To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

We have a ‘go and come back’ agreement. Where she can leave the table to wriggle, run, whatever, for a minute or two, and then comes back and sits for as long as she can and eats a bit more. If she stays at the table she slides of her chair or lifts up her knees or puts her feet on the table (!) or starts telling a story forgetting she has a forkful of food waving around. Attention span of a gnat 🙄

My adhd kid is 16. I'm with you. No one mentions the bloody parents coping! He's bigger than me these days. We've had a few tough weeks but he's now back on his medication

Mealtimes are horrendous as she will not stop talking or wriggling long enough to eat anything.

We had the 'one cheek' rule. As long as one bum cheek was touching a seat, as far as I was concerned, that counted as 'sitting nicely at the table'.

I mean you have to laugh.

I hear you.
DD8, adhd but not diagnosed (yet) as we have had years of ‘It’s cause she’s adopted’ and ‘she’s doing really well considering the trauma’.
But it is absolutely relentless. When I say she talks non stop people say Oh, mine too, girls are chatterboxes. When actually she NEVER stops, if it’s not talking it’s humming or making some kind of noise. Reminders, constant reminders, for every little thing.
Her need for attention is constant.
From the moment she wakes I am:
“can you pick that up; stop dancing and brush your teeth; walk down the stairs properly or you’ll hurt yourself; sit on the stool properly or you’ll fall; just put your top on without swinging it around the room; sit down to put your socks on you’re going to fall over; eat your cereal without swinging your spoon around your head; just brush your hair without doing acrobatics at the same time; why are you upside down?; please put your bowl in the dishwasher; don’t swing on the dishwasher door JUST PUT IT IN; get your shoes on; please get your SCHOOL SHOES on, why are you putting on sparkly slippers?; why are you upside down again?; get off the back of the sofa and get your school bag; stop looking at your reflection in the tv and get your school bag; please get your school bag; tell me that story later, get your school bag; why have you opened the fridge GET YOUR SCHOOLBAG;
It is relentless! And she is talking the entire time. Mealtimes are horrendous as she will not stop talking or wriggling long enough to eat anything.

I hear you. I feel you. I am exhausted.

Hi, my daughter is 22 with ADHD and Autism. ADHD diagnosed at 15, Autism more recently. All can say is, please do try to parent accordingly for your, and their, sake. There is just no point trying to parent my daughter like a NT. It's bloody hard but, try to get used to their funny ways and to stay calm. It does help but it's sooo hard 😔

Yes exactly. I have two kids also, and only the younger one has ADHD (he’s 9).

Its totally different, is all I can say.

Can’t just expect them to get dressed (ie manage all the steps of it) whilst you get ready yourself. You have to keep reminding them of things, which means you need twice as much time in the morning.

Can’t just ask them to do the homework - with mine you have to sit there next to them, doing absolutely nothing else because anything else you do with distract them.

I am in the same position! I have 2 children that have ADHD and myself.
Medication for me has been a lifesaver.
But even then I am exhausted. It's the constant reminding everyone of what needs to be done and then me knowing that an organised house would make things so much easier for them but the disappointment at myself that I can't achieve this.

When I say exhausted it's not physical it is definitely a mental exhaustion,
I really would love a PA/cleaner etc but someone who understands ADHD.

Once you get it set up and kids get into gear it's 100% easier. All mine kids are ND. Don't get me wrong mornings can involve much shouting (swearing ddeom the teen) and eye rolling as someone has moved someone else stuff etc. But mine thrive on same routine and structure.

OP and others posting, I hear you. I WFH on Friday and I cried all day whilst getting shedloads of work done which is a skill I started developing 10 years ago when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been widowed for nearly 7 years now and I’m totally exhausted from parenting ND DS, and now NT DD is doing the pre-teen hormonal thing. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few years. My life hasn’t been my own for so so long.

I feel exhausted just contemplating the effort that would entail.

I do have a child with ADHD as it happens but my other child could be equally, but differently, annoying and frustrating too. We all get fed up at times or overwhelmed but sometimes it helps to step back and accept that they can't meet your expectations FOR NOW. Be positive about what they can do and pick up the pieces for those they can't.

When I was having a hard time with our eldest once, two friends separately said to me, this will pass. And it's true. Sure, different challenges come along but the ones bugging you now WILL go away. They do eventually learn to do things / mature and change.

It’s the constant chatter for me. I need peace and quiet to function and I just don’t get it.

@MrsTerryPratchett - the ONLY time I haven't lived in some sort of chaos is when I had a very large spare room that I could fill with crap. Like an overgrown storage cupboard.

I'd love 2 dishwashers, then I'd just use what is in the clean one as I needed, load it into the dirty one and then swap. Kitchen would be way tidier if I had that!!!

Removing electronics for an hour for not flushing a toilet is ridiculous

My life is check lists.
Toilet thing I started removing an hour of electronics for toilets not flushed and hands not washed as its wasn't forgeful it was just lazy.
Each kid has laminated check lists for different things like packing school bags and laying uniform out. Morning checklist for getting ready. Then one of the back of the door to check before leaving - which is for me too.

I have to use lots of checklists, alexa reminders, phone alarms as instuggle with processes and remembering. I teying to teach kids to self check and scaffold themselves.

Giant static white boards sheets are good for homework schedules and reminders.

For the sake of clarity - by suggesting examples of duos or trios, there was no implication of reduced ability whatsoever. And of course there can be no limit to the number - or complexity or age appropriateness (even up to adulthood) - of any trios / or lists / or whatever suits that family or individual. There is no implication of 'only' being 'able' to remember '3' things.

But there is something in having a different way of approaching how we build capacity to recall within the context of ND, specifically ADHD. Which through no fault of the individual is extremely challenging for parents ... and the individual themselves!

And absolutely it's relentless.

Ultimately developing routines or the knack of gaining skills in how to mitigate the negativity associated with 'not listening / not remembering /getting distracted / never finishing/ always forgetting/ always needing to be told' pays dividends in spades, eventually, over years at some level ...

But maybe there's also something about accepting that we are dealing with diversity here. And there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

Different, yes. But not wrong. Nor worse nor less than nor failure.

Totally agree about having high expectations, and these need to be embedded within the very different context of accepting - and celebrating - the ND. Lots of posters on here commenting about the impact and messages they internalised growing up.

Threads like these really make me realise how lucky I am to have my parents. Even though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult they still made adjustments for me as a child because they picked their battles.
Examples include……
I slept literally ON my dad for 6 months as a toddler after an insect ran across my face one night.
They took a paddling pool to the beach and filled it with seawater for me to sit in because I hated the feel of sand.
I had adjustments made to my meals so I could eat it i.e. mum would make a mince/tomato base, then take out some for me, add the spices etc to the other for chilli and then different for me (garlic powder and a tin of heinz spaghetti). And I was allowed a big bowl of cereal if the meal was really difficult to adjust.
I was never nagged about the small stuff……and was allowed to play how I wanted to play.
Routine was encouraged but not enforced.
But I also knew exactly what was non negotiable so knew exactly how to behave in restaurants, family gatherings etc, but was never forced to stay with family guests. The rule was you must come and say hello and engage with them for a few minutes then you’re free to do what you want. Occasionally I got it wrong but was never really shouted at.
As a teenager I was never nagged about length of shower or bath time etc.
Even now, they still support me without nagging. My dad recently researched and bought me a special lightbulb for my bathroom that can be adjusted using my phone….I can change the brightness and colour to suit my mood (I’m 42). My mum visited and helped me with a first visit to the tip. Now I know and can do it myself.

I’m not saying anyone is a bad parent or not supportive but please please let some of the smaller stuff go and consider what strategies will help your child. Like, what are their sensory preferences? Create a little corner in their room they can go to to decompress and self soothe, even if that’s a little tent with a lamp or fairy lights in. As a child I had a cabin bed so there was a little cubby hole underneath I could crawl in with my favourite pillow.

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind also, he’s very rarely in trouble, either at home or at school. NT DD gets in far more than he does!

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind you’ve phrased this very kindly and I appreciate that. I get that you’re trying to fight his corner and I understand why but genuinely, he doesn’t need it.
We’ve actually managed, through this relentlessness, to get to the point where he does get himself ready on a morning with minimal prompting. He remembers what he needs for his bag and he reminds me to pick it up as we’re going out of the door. We don’t have stressful mornings, because he knows exactly what is expected of him. He’s got a great routine, but it HAS taken years of reminders to get to that stage. Now we’re on to the next thing, and I expect it to take just as long to master that.
I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with having high expectations for ADHD children, as we would with our NTs. Are we not doing them a great injustice by assuming they (many of whom actually have above average intelligence) can only remember to do 3 things?
DS is praised regularly for his achievements. He finds lots of things difficult, but he’s always encouraged and we celebrate every little win. He has a high opinion of himself, because he should, he’s amazing (as I actually said in post 1!)
We all enjoy our home life, it’s not a bad atmosphere at all.
Still, it’s relentless, which was the OP’s point.

I feel like I've found my tribe 😄

My son was diagnosed autistic at a young age and as he's getting older I'm getting more and more convinced there's ADHD in the mix as well.

Can I ask what the diagnostic process is like for younger children?

I have to remind my son to eat because he gets so distracted by screens/ noise in the garden, the water feature in the dining room that you have to remind him to take every bite.

If I do get a bit frustrated, he apologises. I don't want him to go through like apologising for something he can't help.

The meltdowns are something else though because he's also autistic and has sensory issues.

There is nothing worse when you’re in the throes of a meltdown because you’re completely overwhelmed with something than someone telling you to do something ’to calm down’.

I suspect my dh would say something similar about living with me.
'Did you remember to put the washing in the dryer? No, that's ok I'll pop it on again and we'll do it together'
'Can I bin any of these half finished projects?the one that's been here for 3 years maybe?'
'Did you wash, eat or drink today? No? you're tired because you forgot to go to bed last night, I'll make you a sandwich'

It's an endless loop of me starting and never finishing anything, getting overwhelmed and failing at basic things. He gets frustrated and annoyed but I'm also an adult so he can say when it's too much and has found ways to help me focus or follow through.

As a child my parents just thought i was 'odd' and the constant 'you did this wrong' made me think I was a failure (it's still a mindset I can't quite change). It's not your fault and caring for an ND child is hard, but work together and find ways to manage that work for you both.

I use the rooster app with my suspected ADHD DD. She has tasks that need to be done every day so the app is a reminder for her and a way for me to track without being on at her- I'll say 'have you updated your rooster today' and she gets on with it rather than a barrage of 'did you do x, y, z'. and an added bonus/motivation of cash when she does everything! Just small amounts that is what she'd get in pocket money, maybe £5 a week but it's the dopamine she needs to keep going.

I feel your pain today, my daughter has adhd and spent at least 1 hour having a meltdown over some toy she was playing with, I kept telling her to watch a film or go on her tablet to calm her down but she wouldn't listen. I had a baby napping on me so couldn't do much to help her at that point. She threw a teddy at my head also and told me to shut up a few times. She isn't medicated, but getting to the point where we may have to look into it to see if it will help.