To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

‘How NOT to Murder your ADHD child’

Who on earth thought that was an appropriate book title?? My son would be horrified and heartbroken if he found that book in our house, quite rightly. However difficult it is to live with someone with ADHD, it’s 100x harder for the person living with it, I’d think whoever wrote that book would not understand that in the slightest.

Good if it helps, but when I saw this book come out I was appalled by the title. Ir’s a good example of the derogatory way even psychologist frame us. We have a disability.

Imagine another book “How not to murder your child with cerebral palsy/neurological injury/mobility disability.”

All these things might be hard to encounter but it’s very striking that it was considered an appropriate title.

I haven't got time to read the thread (sorry I hate Those People!) but has anyone on here suggested the book How NOT to Murder your ADHD child?

that book makes suggestions for all the things you're having issues with.

It worked well for us.

It can be so so hard, more so as I suspect I have adhd myself (something I’ve been saying since I was a teen, not jumping on any ‘fad’).

Mornings in my house are utterly exhausting. I have a son with high needs autism and a toddler, so whilst rushing around trying to get them clean and dressed for the day (ASD son hates getting dressed so is running around or kicks out), I’m also begging my eldest to get dressed. He gets distracted by everything. Screens, books, jumping around, stimming (he’s on the pathway for ASD as well). He can get himself dressed but cannot focus for more than 10 seconds. I lay out his clothes in front of him and he’s so hyperactive they accidentally get chucked everywhere, so then he screams he can’t find them. I get up an hour and a half before leaving the house, do 90% of the next day prep the night before and we’re still down to the last minute every morning. Then when we get to his school it’s another war getting him to focus enough to get out of the car, literally stood there saying his name over and over. By the time the kids are in school I’m wiped.

However, as I said I have my own adhd traits and I always remember how little anyone understood me as a child. How I was constantly shouted at by everyone, called useless, lazy, needed to ‘pull my socks up’, ‘just get in with it, it’s not that hard’. It wrecked my mental health. It’s so hard to have patience, but it’s down to me to model the behaviour I want from my children. I rarely shout, use physical cues, I don’t meet negative energy with more negativity. I use a firm but neutral voice when giving directions, all actions and consequences are immediate and once the moment has passed it is not brought up again. I have days where I do get snappy, but I always apologise after. I never want my children to feel the way I did for something we simply can’t help, however much it irritates those around us.

(My apologies, for some reason I am unable to edit and quotes aren’t working- so it’s likely unclear who I’m replying to…probably a glitch with Google login!)

I say this with understanding but how you phrase this worries me, because longterm an ADHD child will register the emotion over everything else - we are very hypersensitive to it- and resentment/ anger can be profoundly damaging to your relationship and to your preferred outcomes.

Me and ADHD DD14 had a massive row yesterday because things really got to me. It's really really hard sometimes.

Can you invite your parents on here, I find those from the older generation were so much more laid back than us and really kept order in their lives. I think this is probably why diagnosis are so late for some people because a lot of parents really went the extra mile to help their children rather then ridicule them. Your parents sound so lovely and caring as well as very calm.

Why is this please? I suspect 4 year old has Adhd but too early to diagnose. Diet does seem to have an interesting effect on his behaviour/demeanour, including some food intolerances.

It might be helpful to know she will feel just as much, if not frustrated, with it and with her limitations. I think if you can make her your ally within the condition you can both share ideas for solutions, which is more empowering and calming for you both. You might find ADHD - focused solutions designed for ND people help more- asking adults with ADHD for tips, reading about the way our minds work- then you can play to her strengths.

We can get confused about what we think and feel which can lead to meltdowns. It can be very valuable to teach her how to self-regulate by both working out what she is feeling and experiencing. Just as an enquiry, an informal question and answer session in a peaceful space. Being led by curiosity helps as it’s a big motivator!

Visual aids. Children with adhd are so distracted that what we carry out in daily tasks they struggle to keep the focus to maintain these daily tasks. I have to organise my ds on a morning 10 and to be honest I use the visual aids(can be bought on eBay) as a visual reminder for him but he struggles to maintain that focus. However he is heading on to teenage years and most children at this age are forgetful. From forgetting pe kits to water bottles, keys, you name it.

This is so lovely to read and gives me hope I'm doing the right thing!

Love this comment! I have to say that I found this thread extremely upsetting to read.

I currently have 12 alarms reminding me to drink water and keep forgetting to switch them off 🤣

I think people don’t realise that we are in almost constant physical/emotional discomfort and the seemingly ‘small’ tasks are excruciatingly painful and take vast amounts if effect - we get burned out because we put so much more effort into everything than NT people. And it’s still rarely appreciated/shown empathy.

@Chickaboop that's interesting.

I do try not to always criticise as I know she cannot help it but sometimes it's very hard not to get frustrated. I do worry about when she is older. I think her dad is also undiagnosed ADHD and he has a very strained relationship with his mum.

I do now recognise when she's anxious - she's gets very worked up over small stuff and will scream about everything and I am very careful not to react as I know it's just her letting out the worry. But she often then also lashes out at her sister who is less understanding.

Ah come on now, being caught in short supply of sanitary products could happen to anyone- especially a young woman.

Every month? Anyway, I said that was my least favourite - do you have experience of someone has no organisation, doesn’t understand what you say, can’t understand official forms, and who forgets everything? Birthdays, meetings, appointments, prescriptions, meals, to charge their phone, no cash, no idea how much money they have in the bank (because they haven’t opened any post for a year)…..

(Also another tip- because of our executive dysfunction, the best way to help us do something is to remove as many steps as possible. For example even as an adult when I do laundry, I don’t perceive one task, rather loads of confusing steps which we can’t process simultaneously. Our brains don’t perceive time like NTs, so it’s hard to sort in logical order or predict outcomes. And we can forget any component at any stage, and this is exhausting!

NT: Wash laundry, hang up

ADHD: Find laundry, put in one place, find powder, put in machine, remember stains, take out of machine, get confused about whether one should just soak and delay the laundry, get overwhelmed. Come back to it, soak needed stuff (at this point very stressed and in physical discomfort).

Set laundry going, forget powder. Rewash. Forget it finished. Early eve, go to find basket, put in basket….etc.

You can apply this experience to everything we do to help ADHD children to manage. We cope by engineering steps out- for example, if you keep laundry basket lids open it it removes a step. Using stain removers in the machine every time removes a step. Keeping replacement loo rolls in the bathroom, sticking reminders to things, having auto-opening bins, all of these things make a huge difference to us and free up space for other tasks.

All true, @Chickaboop .

Various people have suggested setting alarms etc. I set alarms all the bloody time, meaning I have an endless string of alarms going off, all of which I postpone, and so they mount up even more and become stressful and naggy.

I suspect my 12yo has ADHD (as well as the Dyspraxia she is diagnosed with) it is relentless. She does set herself alarms for lots of stuff and she now gets up super early (5.30) to give herself the faff time she needs before she goes to school. But the mess and losing stuff is unreal. We are on our 3rd Oyster card in 9 months with a £10 fee every time.

The most memorable was at about 9 she put a very large glass of milk on one sofa cushion and could not understand why it fell over when she sat down on the other one......

ADHD woman observing quietly here- absolutely, it 100 % comes across this way.

ADHD is a neurological disability, and it can’t be framed as the child wilfully being ‘difficult’. The apparently ‘easy’ things are very hard for us and our brains process differently.

There are a few things which may be interesting to know. Being NT people often don’f understand what is going on beneath the surface as we usually present as cheerful.

Our bodies do not produce dopamine correctly. Every time an NT focuses, is motivated, remembers something- it’s not from your innate willpower- the chemical effects of dopamine are facilitating it.

It’s physically painful to sit still. Being in constant movement relieves some of this pain and that helps us to focus more.

our minds do not retain short term info well and we are constantly stressed when people complain about even trivial things. You might not see it but each complaint makes us feel cumulatively worthless and helpless and overwhelmed. Studies show most children with ADHD also end up with a form of PTSD as they have internalised a huge cumulative number of complaints and criticism from childhood.

One interesting comparison would be repeatedly criticising a child with mobility disability because they are unable to walk, for their whole childhood.

While I’m sure NT parents do love their children it generally does not come across that way to us as we are highly sensitive to rejection. As well as having dysregulated dopamine our amygdyla is more active- we feel emotions more strongly than is typical. Acceptance is the greatest form of love. Most of this thread reads as very resentful and without any interest in what the child experiences. If you can understand their world then you can create more productive solutions.

If you resent your child they will feel it and it will affect your relationship in the long term. Many peers with ADHD have withdrawn from their parents in adult life because they felt they were never enough.

For example NT solutions like lists don’t work for us. Because we have executive dysfunction (affecting coordination, prioritising, planning)

We also have limited bandwidth. If we are shouted at for loads of trivial things, we get overwhelmed and then often freeze regarding important tasks. Ideally, choose what is essential rather than depleting our energy and yours.

Our apparently annoying chatter has a lot of functions. We are often overwhelmed and anxious so it helps us to feel connected, knowing the other person is there. We love to share info with people and it is a way of showing our love. Our enthusiasm gets crushed when it is rejected.

Talking also helps us to remember what we are doing and, again, it is physically painful not to release this energy.

We also talk because it helps us to focus and process, so if we have to stay silent it makes it hard to function.

I am happy to post a few videos if you want an idea of what we go through every day and if if is helpful. You can take a break; we never can, and have the added burden of others totally misunderstanding our condition.

I'm on e if the parents caring for a child with complex needs and think tabby. You have to remind him to do basic task and that frazzles you? Really? Believe me life could be very very different I wish that's all I had to do

Have you removed all fortified foods from their diet?

Who is saying they are ‘superior’? Is that how it reads? I didn’t get that from the thread as a NT person but I am interested that’s how it has come across?

All you parents with kids with ADHD sound far more patient than me. Nothing you describe fits with the challenging behaviour of my NT kids when they were this age. It’s a different ballgame entirely as you eloquently describe. But I guess you do it, find strategies etc because what’s the alternative?

There is clearly so much love and understanding here. I would feel incredibly frustrated at times as I am impatient and like things done my way. You sound more tolerant and flexible than me. The toilet thing would really test my patience.

On threads like this, surely it’s fine to share frustrations and tips. It can help keep your sanity. And maybe these posts can teach those of us who don’t have much contact with ADHD in our day to day lives something about ND.

NT people are very hard to be around for people with ADHD.

Just so you know, it works both ways and you are not superior because you are NT.

Hugs op my son is non verbal adhd asd and honestly I don’t know what I’m going to get from one day to the next with him! It’s extremely hard I don’t really get a rest as I constantly have to pick him up from nursery as they can’t cope they have halved this nursery time as it is! Untill he gets a one on one! Ehcp has been delayed a entire year! It’s shit! Xxx