To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

Thank you! The great thing is that this also removes steps for the parents- they might not need it as much but it should still reduce at least some of the stress.

I think a lot of people think one has to do household stuff ‘perfectly’ or in the typical way but it can be quite liberating to try something different. Often you can find great new systems this way that work for everyone.

It’s a hassle planning them initially but can also be a lot of fun, especially if you corral your ADHD child into helping you think of creative solutions… and once it’s in place you don’t have to think about it as much.

I have ADHD I was most definitely extra work for my parents growing up, they werent resentful but I don't see the issue in saying the truth. There is typically more work involved in parenting a child who is ND, and there is a woeful lack of support for parents, both can be true and not offensive to someone who's fault it isn't.

OP only now I'm older do I realise how relentless it must have been for my family growing up and pushing and fighting to get me a diagnosis and then to support me. I wish there had been better support for them, and for me outside of the family to give them more respite. Sadly i don't know the answer beyond trialling different things like whiteboards, lists etc and finding something that works.

Thanks for this. The remove a step idea is really insightful

@nosykids Thanks for words of wisdom.

With me it's the stress of the responsibility that gets me. This week I lost a card that I had written and misplaced when I went to post it. No big deal right? I also forgot tickets to something but sorted it out. All week I have felt panicked and continually berated myself and questioned why these things happened although both were minor. The reason is I CANNOT lose things or forget things because if I do we are all f*cked. I am the organiser, finder, rememberer and reminder.

Exactly-all this reminds me why I prefer other ND people for myself and my ND kids. 😳

I think I accidentally voted YABU, but YADNBU! I feel this way about parenting my almost 8 yo who has ADHD. It is incredibly frustrating.

DD tells me, people with ADHD have worse relationships with family and friends than NT people. Imo OP, it’s due to the extra work they cause for their relatives and friends!

Oof. I know it was difficult parenting me as a child but I'm glad that my mum and dad didn't make me feel like I was "extra work"

We have found a cleaner who is flexible with whatever state she finds our house. I know that when she comes she'll clean whatever is available to her, so e.g. whatever of the floor in my daughter's room is clear! Sometimes the house is tidy, sometimes we just pile stuff on beds and couches so that she can clean underneath 😀. It's a done is better than perfect situation because whenever she's not available it tends to fall apart. And we are motivated by the deadline each week to tidy. Ours does a full house once over but not deep cleans because as a family we are good at occasional large efforts but struggle with the daily routine. I know another family whose cleaner does deep clean portions so the whole house doesn't have to be tidy. If you can find someone flexible who knows your expectations it could make a huge difference. Rather than them feeling frustrated that they're not able to do their job properly for each visit.

Massive empathy OP and all the other parents on this thread, whose children have ADHD and similar. My youngest has ADHD as well as autism, and while my partner is optimistic that one day he will be able to take care of himself, I honestly don’t see it ever happening, and despair at times. Not because I don’t love him and don’t want to take care of him, but I worry how he will cope and because I know he wants to or will want to manage himself. And because I’m knackered.

Perhaps I should clarify that an individual without ADHD, while exhausted, and with other factors and differences play in which may definitely be hard, will never really know what is is to exist with ADHD 24/7.

It’s not possible too, really, but it’s such a complex condition that it’s hard to convey the experience, and how the lack of choice factors into it. A parent can walk away for a moment, but we can’t walk away from our own minds.

The main reason I’m mentioning it is to help people understand that most children really are trying, they may be overwhelmed but everything you see them do will have taken monumental effort and usually motivated by a wish to please you- I think that might make it feel better sometimes for parents, as I know it must be hard when it feels like you aren’t making a difference. You are, but it’s a huge thing to push through as navigating the world takes continual work for ADHD types, every second.

One of the reasons we are suggesting this is with that in mind, too, tbh. The best comparison I can make is that pushing ‘against the tide’ in certain matters is going to exhaust the NT parent, often without constructive outcome (which is even more tiring).

Learning to identify what is ‘essential’ (structure, safety and modeling positive skills) and what can be dropped, will get you better results and spare a lot of energy besides. Also understanding that you might be suffering because the orthodox methods advised by NT people might not produce the results you want.

I am not NT, but all of my 3 dc are ND too - so I have to meet their needs, alongside dealing with my own difficulties and quirks. I sometimes think it is easier that our whole household is ND (dh likely is too, although he is not diagnosed) as there is no expectation of NT behaviour. However, our needs don't match up perfectly and there are clashes and compromises still. I think the saying 'you are only as happy as your unhappiest child' applies here - if things are set up as well as possible for dc then it is easier to find peace for yourself. I've made some big changes to support my dc (two are home schooling) but this has resulted in a much happier atmosphere at home and everyone is more relaxed. Other than that I would say find something for you and do it - I spend a lot of time playing music - my ND gives me the ability to focus intensely on this and it gives me a great deal of solace - whatever is going on I can always retreat into this space. You might have been looking for a different answers, but you can't change your dc, you can only help them navigate the world, so you have to find ways within that remit to look after yourself.

With adhd it takes a minimum of 40 times doing something everyday for it to start to become automatic. That's a huge task.

Forgetting to flushing the toilet went on for ages, but me getting him to stop gaming and go and flush the toilet every single time registered after about 6 weeks. It's not laziness, it's the brain jumping tasks. Now it's repetition and it's actually really good.

I remind myself this when losing the will with my 16 year old.

Remind them gently every time. Build that repetition. It's hard work but it does work. We use visual cues a lot with success. I have notes on the door asking him to lock it when he leaves the house.
He often left for school with front door wide open and all lights, fans, television still on.

With things that are irritating you and there are other solutions, try to use them. Obviously this won't work for teeth brushing.

In our house a major bug bear was leaving the bathroom window open in mid winter. always flinging the window wide open and walking away. In summer no problem. I now lock the window in winter and use a dehumidifier instead.

The other thing was leaving downstairs windows open and going out with the house unsecured. We put contact alerts on windows and doors now so we can monitor what's shut from our phones.

Windows and security seems to be a recurring theme!

I feel your pain. They struggle so much so normal parental responses don't work. Then they berate themselves. It's a hard path between parental sanity and not damaging the child's self esteem.

You can take a break; we never can, and have the added burden of others totally misunderstanding our condition.

Not really! DD2 is diagnosed ADD, DD1 who has a whole host of complex needs also meets the threshold for ADD; and DH is clearly undiagnosed ADHD. DD2 and DH also have OCD!

I have the added burden of picking up the pieces for all three of them, and fitting round two of them with different forms of OCD.

Your parents sound amazing 💜

We have very low expectations in our house, something that I have to constantly remind my husband. I find myself repeatedly asking him "does it matter?" Not in a snarky way, but actually, does it? Does it matter that he wants to roll around on the floor eating his dinner rather than sitting at the table? We're at home, not dining with royalty. Does it matter that he's flicking through tv channels constantly rather than watching one thing, it's not something we're trying to watch.

I also despise the words "properly" and "nicely". Sit properly, walk nicely - to a heavily sensory seeking autistic child (and likely adhd), actually he is walking in a way that is nice to him, or sitting in a way that is proper to him. Instead I use phrases like "walk safely" when he's trying to leap down the stairs, as that's at least a mutual frame of reference he might be able to understand.

I just hope I'm getting things right with him. All I want is for him to feel happy, secure and loved.

Water sensory seeker! I have one of those (who also does incessant handstands...)

ADHD: Find laundry, put in one place, find powder, put in machine, remember stains, take out of machine, get confused about whether one should just soak and delay the laundry, get overwhelmed. Come back to it, soak needed stuff (at this point very stressed and in physical discomfort).

Set laundry going, forget powder. Rewash. Forget it finished. Early eve, go to find basket, put in basket….etc.

I know it's not funny, but 😂

I'd add after 'get overwhelmed': "Put laundry thoughts aside. Remember that you have four plants in the sink which need to be planted. Start digging holes, then remember the laundry. Stop digging, go back inside, remember that you haven't replied to an email. Sit at computer, look at Mumsnet and forget about the email. Remember about laundry. Go to soak the item, and remember the plants in the sink. Move them to a washing up bowl, then realise you can't soak the item because the plants are in the washing up bowl." And so on...

Yes. They are great. I had a great deal of struggles growing up and have a lot of challenges still but my parents were and are great. I do struggle to maintain my house the way a neurotypical does so my parents gently remind me about things until I’ve done them, like getting my car or house insurance sorted or getting someone in to do the guttering.

I am a water sensory seeker so when I’m feeling overwhelmed I get in the shower and sit down. Having that lightbulb that I can adjust in the bathroom really helps because I also struggle with bright light when I’m having a bad day. If my parents had restricted my shower time when I was younger it would have led to so many meltdowns.

I was also always, always doing cartwheels or handstands as a kid, but was allowed to just get on with it most of the time. We were allowed to remove the cushions from the sofa to build a den or slide down the stairs on them……as long as we put them back properly when we were done. There are so many restrictions put on kids now, and for the neurodiverse ones it makes life doubly hard.

Limited screen time (including tv), strict routine, opportunities to burn off energy ?after school sports clubs etc) and medication helped us. With those steps in place he’s got a lot better over the years.

Some of the advice here is really helpful thank you.

I do feel though that the thread is very much focusing on what OP or other parents could do to make life easier for their ADHD children. I feel like I've read a million things about this, but never much advice on what the parent can do for their own wellbeing and mental health. While the expectations of a NT person may be higher, they are still human and what is being demanded is way above and beyond what is manageable for most. There are a lot of comments saying you should never criticise your ND child (rightly) yet when an exhausted stressed parent reacts as any exhausted stressed person would they are immediately criticised for their behaviour. Its seems a little harsh. I think its important to remember that while daily tasks are easier for NT people life is hard too and they are not super human.

Best of luck, GCSEs are so hard for ND kids. It’s actually what caused my first major breakdown. I was already struggling so badly, it was making me physically ill. One day I missed the morning but managed to get to my afternoon mock. My head of year marched up to me in the hall asking where I’d been. I tried to explain how I’d not been well and she screamed at me - in front of my entire year just before my exam - ‘you are always FULL of excuses, we’re sick of it!’. I left that day and refused to go back.

I’m so glad children these days have so much more understanding and support.

Just ignore the "boys will be boys" minimisers. There's no point engaging with their ignorance.

I absolutely agree, Op. It is exhausting, and relentless. We are in the GCSE phase in our house, and trying to support ASD/ADHD DS through his mocks revision is not for the faint of heart. I am sick at the thought of what the real exams will bring to our family next spring.

109 per cent! If I found a book title like that belonging to someone I trusted, especially as a child, I would never trust or feel safe with the owner ever again.

I haven't read the full thread as I often find posts about ND on AIBU descend into nastiness and I just find it upsetting. I just wanted to say that I was an extremely difficult child and teenager in many ways and I am sure that my parents were often tearing their hair out about me - I don't have much of a relationship with them now I am an adult and I truly believe it i because they essentially gave up on me - let me just get on with whatever I wanted to do, didn't protect me from myself or seek any help for me, just got fed up with me and left me to it. Apart from the small things like you describe above, about which my dad would shout at me, everyday. One of the difficulties with ADHD is that often the person is perfectly aware that they need to do these things but get completely stuck - I see things I need to do all the time, but don't do them - when I was a kid this would be my homework, tidying, self care. I am still frustrating to live with but dh loves me and I know it - I didn't feel that from my parents. Try to stay patient and let him know he is loved - it's ok to tell someone that their behaviour makes things difficult for others and try to find a solution together (post it note reminders for flushing the loo, for example), but always from a place of love and not criticism. He's about to enter an incredibly difficult stage for people with ADHD, I would be thinking ahead to how he is going to manage secondary school rather than worrying too much about his minor day to day difficulties.