To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

Thank you for the words of encouragement x

I'm so with you in this. I'm at my wits end and having a really bad day. My daughter is 12, AuDHD. I'm REALLY struggling to stay sane. Everything is a struggle/argument. Brushing teeth, getting ready, getting her out the house, rudeness, disrespect, selfishness ..it just goes on and on. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I really don't want to be around her. She ruins every bit of spare time (rare as it is) We have as a family with her unreasonable behaviour. She moans CONSTANTLY during what are meant to be enjoyable walks in nature, she is destructive to the extreme and breaks everything from tech, clothing, furniture, doors, windows etc. I can ask her to do/not do something until the day I die and she will continue to not comply. How do we keep going? It's a miserable existence and I've truly had enough. How are we meant to keep going when we have to face this every day...? Help!

You might have fallen victim to a degree of sexism that existed until lately. It’s only been recently discovered that females present very differently to males with ADHD, but the diagnostic criteria was modelled on the male incarnation. Girls tend to be less hyper and loud and more inattentive (not always but often.)

The irrelevance of the old criteria might have been why you had so much trouble getting a prompt/accurate diagnosis. I’m sorry you went through that.

Thanks @Quisquam . Sounds like she’s lucky to have you.

Typo - ADD

*@Lacucuracha

DD is in her late 20s, diagnosed at university with DD - after I had raised concerns with the school about her from age 12. I knew there was something wrong with her executive functioning, but didn’t know what it was. She is quite different from DH. I had her assessed by a speech therapist and neuro-educational psychologist in her teens. They found problems in her cognitive processes, but as she could work in a quiet room 1:1, the attention problems didn’t show up. She had also learned strategies to cover it up, which I didn’t know at the time! The school ignored what the professionals and I said.

I believe she goes on FB groups or whatever for women with ADD/ADHD. She could not live independently without support even now!

I have to laugh, on a regular basis.

As I say, the one I feel sorry for is my one NT child who has to live with the rest of us. He's probably on MN, asking for advice on how to cope with a mother with ADHD.

Sorry, I misread the bit about walk ins- I’d definitely recommend calling 111 if you haven’t as they can get a nurse or doctor to call him back. Then you have some idea of urgency and they might have other ideas besides.

That sounds really hard. Have you asked why he won’t take the painkillers? I wondered if it might be texture or something in which case you could mix them with something he likes?

If you call the GP I’d recommend explaining the situation and that he’s ND- I’ve seen friends experience this and they sent someone out on a home visit. Alternately you might find a drop in centre could be a bit quieter than A&E and they can treat a lot of things (and triage at the least for less wait time).

I love this!

We can either laugh or cry 🤣

Get out of my head! 😂

Add in an injury and it's fucking hell.

He won't let me take him to A+E or the walk in - is insisting I wait for the dr tomorrow, but what happens if I can't get him an appt? Then what?

How to explain to the receptionists he has autism and ADHD and simply will not get in the car to go to the walk in.

He woke up 6 times in agony last night but won't take painkillers.

One that I as an adult with ADHD would recommend is that rather than trying to get your child to do things the neurotypical way that seems the obvious and straightforward way to you, you focus on the desired outcome and why it is important, or why certain behaviours cause problems, and then you help your child to work out a solution that works for their ADHD brain. And teach them to expect and make honest plans for failure/forgetfulness/executive dysfunction rather than trying to get them to mask their ADHD which just causes bigger problems down the line.

In my case, I know that I will regularly misplace my keys, diary, shoes, phone etc making me late, or will leave my lunch at home. The "obvious" solution is to develop routines and habits to remember them. The trouble is, that this is a LOT of effort for something with a very high failure rate. I can manage when I'm full of energy and focus, but if I'm not on top form, those rigid routines will crumble, and I'm left exhausted from the effort, and ashamed of my failure, and regularly let people down.

So instead, I accept that my disability means that I will regularly mislay/forget things and instead plan for how the minimise the effects. I have trackers on my phone, wallet, keys, handbag, headphones and diary. I keep an old pair of smart shoes at work so that I can just fling on any old pair of shoes if I can't find the ones I planned to wear. I also have an emergency meal replacement shake at work.

I can't always remember a complex string of instructions. I used to try, really really hard, and sometimes get it wrong or forget things and be seen as unreliable. Now I'm upfront and stop people to ask them to pause so I can make a note of what they are saying so that I can remember, and not only have I become more reliable and efficient, but now my NT colleagues have started doing the same thing because we all forget things or get distracted sometimes, and this way the whole team works better.

In terms of what that might look like for a child, it might be keeping an old PE kit in their locker for emergencies, or getting rid of their wardrobe and replacing it with a clothes rail and open shelving with baskets you can see into easily, or keeping a small dirty laundry basket in every room of the house, or putting a pull-up bar in a doorway and a balance board or Swiss ball in the sitting room to allow for nondestructive movement.

How old is dd?

My inspirational friend wrote this recently. A lot is about parental wellbeing which gets overlooked (altho covers strategies etc too). It's a bit different. She has 3 with SEN (one ADHD)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Different-Perspectives-Worlds-Special-another/dp/B0BXNBDJRC/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=different+perspectives+different+worlds&qid=1687708496&sr=8-1

Just to add, one of these contains flashing images so please be careful if you have epilepsy of migraines x

Here’s a few interesting simulators which might inform good troubleshooting techniques! So you can target things to make your life easier…and get an idea of what might work. These are all by real people with ADHD.

Simulator to evoke processing dysfunction in ADHD

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xfo1tZ95Ypk

Everyday sound/experience simulator

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t32CK5t8d2Q

Internal dialogue simulator

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2fYg5hSgtug

No problem- the good thing about knowing this stuff is that you can get much better effects with this in mind which is what I hope for parents…

For example if you let your kid move/ fidget when you want them to listen or process something, they’re much more likely to listen as they’ll be much more physically comfortable. Otherwise it’s kind of like working when you’re ill; it’s harder to focus when in discomfort.

Most NT-authored parenting books aren’t aware of the physical pain people with ADHD get when trying to keep still/focus which can make their advice really unhelpful. Then the parent is left demoralised and wondering what they did wrong.

It’s also really useful to get attention with physical cues. Sometimes we can respond with our unconscious steering and respond verbally, but still haven’t consciously processed the message- a bit like sleep-talking or sleepwalking. A physical interrupt can get the ‘focusing’ conscious part of the brain working. So you could try the required task, wave, hand the thing over, gently move their hand towards it. This also spares verbally repeating stuff over and over!

Your child might also be overwhelmed by something ambient- we process sounds as louder (similar to ASD) and sounds also overlay at similar volume, making it harder to distinguish them. So if you’re struggling to communicate switching room may help.

That sound tough. Especially stuff like it hurting to sit still.

The world is very much set up around certain behaviours and expectations. Maybe that’s why NT parents want their kids to get dressed properly, go to school on time etc. To prevent the kids being rejected and miss out even more. It feels like an impossible situation and forcing ND people to live in an NT world isn’t the answer really.

Thanks for sharing your experiences in a calm and informative way. It’s really helpful.

Also have a water sensory seeker and am able to get my water rates capped. On a meter but they are capped at I think £32 a month because his occupational therapy and educational psychology reports identify the need so we’re used as evidence for the scheme. He uses a lot of water but it’s a necessity, not a choice.

I have DS15 with ADHD and DH too.

Even DH still forgets everything and cannot cope with sorting anything out. It is incredibly frustrating and I totally understand but people with adhd can't always help it. There are checklist things you can make or buy online and these have helped DS to make sure he's got his swimkit or football boots for school on the right day, but I have to remind him to check the list! You can also set up Alexa to give you a list of what you need each day, but it still means you have to take on that job. It's stressful and I understand

This sounds like me.

My son is 7 and has not been diagnosed with anything but I do suspect ADHD.

That sounds just like me. I find I'm often stumbling over my words because I'm forced to dish out so many warnings / reminders that i don't want to have to say and I'm tripping over my words trying to get it all out.

I see hazards and warn against them and am ignored so say them again, along with 100 other reminders etc....then the accident happens, the accident I was repeatedly warning him about, and then there's lots of tears and I have to comfort but really I'm just so bloody pissed off and frustrated because I foresaw it all and warned him numerous times.

It's utterly exhausting.

He is also addicted to YouTube/ switch, which I am not proud of. But the mornings are hell. He follows me around narking at me about things, or demanding that I watch him do things etc, or just making a total mess, YouTube is the only thing that will keep him contained whilst I get the rest of us ready for the day.

I give him his clothes while he's watching you tube and tell him to get dressed but he doesn't. Just sits staring at the screen with one leg in his pants or whatever. CONSTANT reminders. I'll say "get dressed or I'll turn it off" and he moves at a snails pace. If I then follow through with the threat he goes nuts and starts crying...and still not getting dressed, and it just delays us even more. He can't seem to understand "ok, if I just quickly get dressed I'll get it back."

Aware it sounds like awful parenting from me but I'm utterly stuck. I have younger kids to get sorted in the mornings as well, and I can't deal with him following me about / causing chaos which is why I allow yountube, but it does bring its own problems.