To not understand how it is possible to work F/T and have a clean and tidy house?

16 yr old can go live with the 19-year-old and they can spend their time bitching about how hard done by they are.

This, this is the answer OP.

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this - I do too, I get so upset when I ask my kids to do one job and they won't without an argument - but the last thing I'm going to do is let them flounce off in a huff and just do it for them.

I think you need to sit down with them and have a serious talk, that you know they're unhappy with certain things, and you are too, but you aren't just some housekeeper that they happen to live with, you are their mother, living as a family in a family home, and families need to help one another.

Never mind rehoming the dog, tell your self-entitled daughter to shape up or ship out if she doesn't like it, cleaning her own home will give her something to concentrate her mind on rather than laying in bed being self-absorbed thinking the world owes you something... Sick to death of this MH obsession being used to excuse bone idleness.

Realistically you have 3 adult sized human mess and one adult cleaning it plus 2 dogs and 2 cats, one who isn't toilet trained.
On top of this you are dealing with 2 mourning teenagers, both with what sounds like significant mental health issues. Plus your own greif.

And you are holding down a Ft job? Personally I think it's quite impressive you get anything done. No one would be able to maintain any semblance of cleanliness in those conditions

Don't be hard on yourself. That's an awful lot to deal with. Your daughters do need to help more. It does you and them no favours to let them not get into the routine of not cleaning up after themselves. You need to sit them down and be frank with them about how your feeling. Give them set jobs and you will need to nag/shout if they aren't done.

It's completely normal for teenagers to hate housework. It's completely normal for them to moan, and sometimes make horrible comments about the house they live in. None of these things mean they shouldn't do housework, or you need to redecorate.

How old are your daughters? I'd never gotten on well with my mother but when my dad died grief turned me into an utter bitch for a bit, of which I am not proud. I tried to make up for it when I started to cope with the loss and realised but it is a time I am not proud of.

If they're older teens they need to buck up, as mam would have said, and start helping you. Don't let your love for their dad, and presumably for them, make you turn yourself into a martyr, doing things that are their responsibility, and possibly make yourself ill.

I am very sorry you're going through this.

I think you need to pick your battles/start with small steps.

Sit them down and tell them that you are struggling, that you’re a single parent working FT and you are tired.

Tell them that you will carry on with the routine housework (hoovering, mopping etc) but they need clean up after themselves eg cleaning the kitchen and washing their dishes, if they make a mess in the bathroom then clean it up, putting their laundry in laundry baskets.

Cleaning as you go is so much easier than leaving it and then having loads to deal with.
Your home should not be that messy if people clean as they go.

Feeding the dogs together is probably easier so you can strike a deal with your DD that you’ll feed her dog but she needs to clean up after it and walk it etc.

It would be really good for her MH to get outside and walk her dog more.
Perhaps you could all start going for a couple of long walks a week somewhere remote which will exercise the dogs but also give her time out of her room.

Once they’ve learnt how to clean up after themselves then you can start sharing out the regular chores like laundry, gardening etc.

You are teaching them skills for life.
If is not nagging to tell them to clean up after themselves.
You are failing them by not teaching them these skills as it’s going to be 10x more difficult when they move out and do everything by themselves.

Hi OP !

I'm an 18yo DD, using my mums account, and I wanted to give you my perspective on your current situation.

I'd just like to say that 1) I'm so sorry for your loss, and 2) your children's behaviour is not normal or okay.

They may be grieving and they may be having a hard time adjusting to the loss, but your problem goes farther than that as this was happening before your partner died.

My family has faced their own difficulties and yet, never has my mum had to "nag and shout" at me, especially repeatedly for me to help with chores or cleaning.

I do acknowledge that we aren't all equal when it comes to motivation or cleanliness/organisation but at some point, you are doing the best you can and your children refuse to help. So their ill feelings towards your situation or house are partially of their own doing.

Don't like that the house isn't decorated ? Decorate, help with projects or even bring ideas to the table.

Don't like that the house is clean ? Well you live here, so do the chores and/or cleaning when it needs to be done. Washing up/drying isn't that hard or long (although it can be unpleasant but that's what gloves are for!). Sweeping and moping are also not that hard to do. Washing and drying clothes isn't that hard to do.

My point is, even if chores are beyond mind bogglingly boring, they aren't that hard to do !

Now I've got to say that shouting and nagging probably doesn't make people want to help, at some point, if they're bothered by the house/you (as the texts seem to indicate) then they can help or stop complaining.

You can't have a bruise and poke it, just to complain that is hurts when you poke it. You either leave it alone or you don't complain when you hurt yourself.

Anyway, my whole point is you have some very entitled sounding children.

I mean, AFAIK one of your kids hasn't fed their dog in days - which is actual animal cruelty! What happens if you'd actually not fed it ? And what about it's needs ? Why are your kids not taking it out/cleaning up the messes ? My gran sold her DS pony when he did the same. Lesson learned.

Your children are being entitled.

And I think your ex partner is partially to blame. I mean, what chores did they do at his house ? Why did he not back you up during those text exchanges ? Why was your ex undermining you ?

I really hope things get better and you are able to get back on track with your life.

So, to recap, your children complain about everything, they have money and they won't lift a finger in the house? Your oldest has MH issues and a dog.

You have two dogs, your dog is trained, your DD's dog isn't.

Did your ex work? did you take care of him as well? Maybe that's where they picked up their attitude?

You say he agreed with you DDs that you didn't do enough for them. What did he do for them? What did he think you could do more?

Unless your DDs step up you have no way out of this.

Why is this on you? A 19 year old can put pads down and toilet train a dog! In the nicest way, I really think you need to stop taking everything onto your own back, it’s just not fair or sustainable . Your daughter got a dog, she is an adult, she needs to look after it.

Sorry for your loss

It's very hard even working part time to keep an tidy, clean and decorated house! It's barely organised chaos here at best, that's with 2 supposedly competent middle aged adults (I only work 20 hrs pw plus some charity work) and 2 supposedly intelligent young adults though both are nd.

I get it I really do, it gets me down often.

I think you need to sit down together and make a plan, divide up chores (bit less for 16 year old as still at school) and have firm house rules you will all stick to. Then make a plan for long term improvements they buy into

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re in a bewildering state; I’m also mourning a loved one and feel like my magnetic pole has disappeared.

This may not be the time to try and make any big changes. I’d urge you to put on the kettle and make a nice cup of tea instead.

Those messages weren’t intended for you to read. Sometimes, it’s not possible to say 100% of what needs saying; your ex might have been looking for the easy win by agreeing about the decor, in order to drive home the point that they should help more.

And they should help more.

I remember laughing with my teenage friends about all our dp’s terrible decor. I think that’s a normal part of starting to separate from parents, and prepare to move out into the world. We were beginning to imagine building our own nests.

What you’re trying to do is impossible. You already know it.

In olden times the people working two jobs lived in one or two room hovels, and the ones with nice houses had more than one full time staff. Now our housing standards have risen but we are expected to be breadwinner, skivvy, cook, housemaid, nanny and the lady of the house all rolled into one. And you’re adding psychologist, gardener, interior decorator to that.

You know it’s not possible. What you’re doing is more about self flagellation, guilt and grief. You don’t have to be some kind of perfect parent to make up for the loss of their dad. You can only be yourself, and that is enough. It really is.

If I maintain basic household standards during the week, feed myself a reasonable diet and work full time, I consider that a win. Saturday morning, I put the house back together. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your daughters need to chip in!! Even my 5 year old tidies his toys up after him once I have asked him 5 times

Firstly , I’m sorry for your loss, this must make everything a lot harder. With regards to the house, there a variety of issues going on that need sorting separately I think.

1. your kids need to help more. Don’t feel bad for asking them, they are perfectly capable of doing their share and should be helping.
2. the dog that poos- why is it it pooing inside? This shouldn’t be happening. If it’s not being let out enough-your daughter needs to step up and sort this. If it’s a medical / behavioural issue, it also needs sorting. In the meantime I would get a crate or restrict the dog to a moppable carpet free room at night.
3. I think a lot of your problem is ‘stuff’. I know you’re exhausted and I know how hard it is but I think your main focus for the next month or so should be to massively reduce how much stuff is in the house. You will find that it is so much easier to deal with other things when the house isn’t full

Your daughters need to help more.

But I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It is not sustainable.

My house is a cluttered mess. Some weeks it looks better than usual....but those are the weeks my job has suffered.

I am not a single parent. I have a partner and i still struggle (my kids are young).

Some people do seem to manage it. I really don't know how. Very focused and organised, I think.

Also you'd find it more manageable if you didn't have your daughters living there. You are no longer legally responsible for the 19yo so give her a couple of week's notice to pack her bags and leave. While the 16yo doesn't have to live with you either, you're still responsible for making sure she has somewhere safe to be for the next couple of years. But if you give the elder one her marching orders your problem will be halved and hopefully it'll make the younger one think that they need to start pulling their weight so they don't get kicked out too.

Bloody hell 😳😳

Kicking your own kids out because your home is bit messy is an over reaction.

Just get them to help with cleaning/not make any more mess.

I am sorry. It all sounds really tough.

Your daughters are being unreasonable, espeically at 19 they share a responsibility for your joint home and the state it's in. If you work that much I imagine you aren't home much and most of the mess is them.

But the way to keep on top of it - either be super organised, or outsource. Decorators, cleaner etc.

Also is 19yo getting professional help (I know nhs is a mess) but their are several charity organisations that might be able to help?

I’m a single parent and work FT and struggle to keep on top of the cleaning.

I have pets and I definitely think they make it more difficult.

Just this morning my cat knocked over the cat biscuits, then was sick on the stairs and then I had to clean his litter tray out - if I didn’t have that to do then I could have done the washing up, put a load of laundry on etc.

I love my pets but I compare my life to my DB who doesn’t have any and his home is so much cleaner and stays that way for longer.

On Sundays I put an audiobook on and spend the day doing a proper clean.
Then during the week I’ll just do like half an hour a day but by Sunday it definitely needs a proper clean again.

I have a teen who is messy but I try and contain their messyness to their bedroom.
If they’ve made a mess in the kitchen or bathroom then they have to clean it up.

I’m so sorry about your loss.

it sounds as if your kids and you had a great relationship with their dad, and that you co-parented them really well. They felt secure enough in their relationship with you and him to have a moan about you to him (and I would guess before he died they moaned at you about him sometimes as well as saying “but dad lets us do that”)

Bitching about one’s parents to another trusted adult is normal teen-age behaviour. It dosent mean they truly hate you or the house. If your ex hadn’t died you wouldn’t know. He never told you I assume? So he thought it was normal teen winging and was ignoring it. With his death this has all become caught up in the bereavement feeling. you feel the need to be a better parent because your having to be both parents and they are going to idolise the way he parented them because your all grieving.

They probably think they hate doing chores because their teens- Tbf most of use hate doing chores. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to do chores and the ongoing need to do them regularly as part of becoming an adult. There older teens. sit them down (maybe post last GCSE if the 16yr old is sitting them) and say this is the stuff that needs to be done in the house daily and weekly - who is doing what? and let them decide. Thier are apps where you can divide tasks in a gamified way. Their also old enough to decorate their own space, and it’s a great life skill for them to learn- hold out the carrot that if they do their chores this summer you will give them £x (what you can afford) to buy paint etc and help them do their rooms - you might discover a talented decorator!

The 19yo has very severe social anxiety and suicidal ideation so she is not in work or education. She's mostly in bed. The dog is her biggest comfort so I cannot even think about threatening to rehome it

@Frequency I cross-posted with this. I can understand why you wouldn't wish to rehome the dog. And I think some of the replies would have been different if PP had known about your 19 YO's struggles

Perhaps best to make small steps. Ruthless decluttering during lockdown made a huge difference in my family

If I were living by myself I could.