To fight 5050 custody?

I think it wholly depends on the individual situation. My dh is an excellent and very competent parent and I completely trust him to care for our dc, but there are multiple reasons why we could not do 50/50 if we split. People on mumsnet can only comment about their own situation - there is not a global example of what is best for an individual family in these circumstances.

I'd push for nesting then. As it sounds like you're by far the higher earner, your ex might go for it as it means he gets to stay in the nice big family home 50% of the time.

We do 60/40 and it works really well

I think 50/50 is only in the interest of the parents. Many adults would hate to have to move half of their time and not have a main home yet expect children to do it. Often it is used as a way to get out of maintenance.

I have 50/50 as do most of my friends. Works for all of us.

50/50 Is usually best for the parents not the children.

As child I didn't like 50/50 but had no say in it, even if I did I wouldn't have said anything because that would mean one parent thinking I wanted to see them less. Please think carefully about what works best for the children rather than what's fairer for parents

Would you consider nesting? IMO that's gold standard if you're putting the children first. I agree shunting them between two houses 50/50 is definitely not best for them.

Might add I don’t provide childcare or do any child related tasks. Just to intercept the sexist “he got a new wife who does it all” mentality. I love my DSC but their day-to-day care is DH’s job, not mine (unless I offer).

It seems to be the norm now.Days of Dad working ,Mums at home largely passed by.We know of someone whose DH is wealthy ,owns several properties and went for 50/50 .Got it and has avoided any maintenance at all!

The best thing for your children is to know they have 2 reliable parents who love them & are there for them. Let your husband create that situation if you possibly can.

That's unlikely to be how it works though ... you trial a separation, he is crap with the kids, you move back in.

More likely he will move on quickly, possibly outsource the kids to a new partner.

We have the DSC 50:50 with DH’s ex. Been this way for 6 years. Now they are teens DH and his ex regularly check in with them that they’re still happy and both kids say they’d hate to not see either parent for more than a week. And my DH couldn’t imagine being an EOW dad. Initially his ex hated it, but she quite quickly saw how she was able to use the time to have her own life. It can be a blessing.

So if god forbid, you died, would you prefer your children to live with someone else and not their father because he’s not capable?

if the answer to that is that you would want your kids to live with their father then you ABU.

if your reasoning is that kids should have one main home then are you willing to make that sacrifice and only have your kids EOW?

you need to acknowledge that your feelings are becoming from fear and panic at not having your kids 50% of the time.

I have shared my boy 50/50 with his father for the past 10 years, from 5 onwards and it works. And TRUST ME he is an incapable and useless man, but love is far more important and my son can see with his own eyes now how much I do by comparison.

I think this is a good point. You’re saying that 50/50 isn’t fair on the children, but I think you really mean that you think they should be with you for the majority of the time.

OP, I know you’re at the start of a daunting (and potentially scary) process and I totally understand your fear when it comes to your children. Do surround yourself with people who can support you and give you grounding advice. Wishing you well.

But he's relying on you to do that now. I did all that when we were together.
When we split he had to step up and he's a much better dad and the load is lightened.

And of the many families I know who don't share 50:50, the mum is wrung out and resentful and the kids don't have a bond with their dad. Different experiences.
I can't IMAGINE not being able to see my kids an equal amount of time.

It’s not as common as people make out I don’t think, I don’t know any single mums irl who have 50/50 however I would have LOVED it if my ex wanted 50/50

Depends. My children would have hated 50/50, they were far more comfortable with me in their own home. Their dad was a lazy parent who was unpredictable in his moods and he would have only ever asked for 50/50 to avoid paying CM but then would have done the absolute bare minimum in caring for them. So no not every divorce settlement is looking to award 50/50.

My parents did the same and argued against 50/50 - as a result the bond isn't there with our dad.

In my eyes it would be perfect looking back on what we had instead, equal time with both parents would have been much more settled for us. Being shuttled about isn't always the best, but neither is spending 80% of your time with one parent and not getting to see the other one. It's worse in my experience uprooting your life for just EOW vs actually getting to feel settled in both places.

I don't think fighting it just because you don't agree with it is a good starting point tbh, you've mentioned he's a responsible dad who loves his kids - why shouldn't they get to spend just as much time with him as you? They'll be living in two homes anyway even if it's 80/20, 60/40 or 50/50.

You guys are the ones breaking up the family unit - I think as adults you'll need to remain friendly and close enough to make shared custody work, children pick up on vibes from parents so much more than some people realise.

Does he know you're planning on leaving? Have you spoken about custody arrangements?

I'm not sure why you'd fight to keep the kids from their Dad unless there's a back story here.