To fight 5050 custody?

Ime 50/50 is rare. The ones I know are self employed so can work round the kids or they have a new partner look after the kids so that they can continue working their old jobs.

While I totally agree with you about men previously doing little childcare wanting 50/50 he could argue in court that he could have more than 50%

Does he have free childcare from family ? The cost of childcare will probably be more than maintenance and if he's easily annoyed by the kids then he may be unlikely to want 50:50.

Just to add to what I've already said up thread. If you don't think 50/50 is suitable have you spoken to their Dad? What does he think?

It doesn't necessarily have to be a fight, try and work something out that works for everybody. IME fighting amongst yourselves will be the absolute worst things for the kids regardless of the custody arrangements.

50:50 isn’t always best. The children want to have a ‘home’ rather than shuttling between houses. My teen DD had a meltdown during GCSEs as it was too much for her to keep travelling with all her schoolwork, revision books, musical instruments etc. For that period she ended up doing a week at each parents house to feel more settled.

Whereas DS was just here, there, going where he liked. This has morphed into 1 night at dad’s, rest of the week at my house. DD is more structured but will spend more time at my house. So it’s interesting- as they’ve got older they’ve chosen to spend more time at one house (my house and I don’t have the huge marital home - just pets, snacks and I’m around more for them)

In my personal experience it’s luck of the draw with the judge you get. DH wanted 50/50 with his children and he had done the bulk of the parenting during the marriage and was and is an excellent father. CAFCASS proved the mother was emotionally manipulating the children and causing parental alienation but he still only got every other weekend. This was 5 years ago now though so things may have changed in that time

Of thd people I know who have separated, none have ever gone 50/50. Not sure how it would work with working unless they earn enough for childcare. Situations I have seen, majority of the time the mum has them most of the time, either doesn’t work outside the house or is part time, and the dad works full time and pays maintenance.

Given how many women on this clearly say they would NEVER entertain the idea of 50/50 I don't think you can really make the assumptions that all dads are lazy and don't want their kids because it clashes with their free time.

Equally I know a lovely man trying to get more time with his children because going from seeing them every single day to EOW is utterly devastating. As it is for any decent parent.

What’s better for the kids in a divorce is two parents who can still generally get along afterwards.

If your soon to be ex is a shit parent he might initially demand 50/50 to spite you but won’t be likely to stay with it, as if he’s a lazy half arsed parent 50/50 will be too much effort for him and you’ll have them back more often anyway. If he’s a decent, committed and involved dad then 50/50 will work out fine for the kids.

Just try and get along as best you can in the process, whatever is arranged will be the kids norms anyway.

Well it isn’t really avoiding it, he has them half the time, half the costs. She is ‘avoiding’ it just as much

Surely kids would be back and forth regardless? The argument that 50/50 is bad because it is upheaval for the kids doesn't really work as the reality is there will be upheaval anyway by going 2 nights a week or EOW.

Most single parent families I know, the kids see their dads every other weekend. I've only known two dad's fight for 50/50, but this fizzled out within months. When they realised they couldn't work full time, and have the kids for half the week. Quite often they'd complain that they didn't have any free time!

It really does depend on the individual circumstances whether 50:50 is best. Some kids will find the constant back and forth destabilising. They need a stable base. Some will struggle with coping with different parenting styles.Realistically for 50:50 to work well the parents need to live close by so kids can pop between two when older and can still see friends. Parents need to get on and both need to be actually doing 50:50 of everything.
It would never of worked for my eldest as his father lacks the capacity to parent a ND child. Even professionals have told him he lacks the basic understanding of DC needs. Obviously he knows best so he didn’t do anything about it.

Unless your husband is a total deadbeat, you should want 50:50 for the benefit of the children. The fact that you currently do everything aside, why do you think you deserve the children more?

My friend split up with her now ex-husband and split custody of their son 50:50. He did one week with her and one week with him. They each paid for him whenever he was with them and any costs like school uniforms or trips, etc, they just split equally between them.

It was a very civilised split though and they've remained on good terms since.

Their son is very close to both his parents and still, even at the age of 25, splits his time between his parents' houses.

But, ultimately, you'd have to have a discussion with your husband about what he wants. He might not even ask for 50:50, but ask yourself whether you'd want to get in to a court battle if he did ask for it?

Even if it started out as 50:50, if he's really rubbish at life admin, etc, he might change his mind. Or, as @QueefQueen80s says, he might just take it as a kick up the backside and become a better dad off the back of it, which is definitely in the kids' best interests.

Yes kids are all happy. They wouldn't be happy with a half hearted relationship with one of the parents if they saw them EOW .

Not all men are like your ex though. Some are loving fathers who are very involved.

Fine, 50/50 won't work for you but it will and does for some families.

I can think of five couples I know who have split and none of them do 50/50. All busy, career types. The more involved dads do tend to see the kids mid-week for a dinner or activity to catch up, but otherwise the mum has them.

I personally don't believe 50/50 is best. It's more for the parent than the child let's be honest here.

The parent doesn't have to shuttle between 2 homes, rearrange social activities because they have to be at a different home, have 2 sets of everything, not feeling settled in more than one place for 7 days at a time, enforced separation from a parent a week at a time

I wont be doing 50/50 unless a judge forces me - hand my kids over to a man who has done no dinner times, bath times, bed times, night wakings? Absolutely not

For my friends who have this arrangement, the annoying thing is that 50/50 means no maintenance, but often doesn't mean 50% of the work and 50% of the expense. Often the mums are still running around trying to organise everything and make sure the kids don't miss out, and their lives are made harder by having to deal with a subpar coparent. But tbf this is usually where a previously uninvolved father pushes for 50/50 to avoid maintenance and then doesn't really care if the kids miss out. I think that's different from fathers who care about their kids and want the best for them, but who lazily push their responsibilities onto the other parent because they can... here, 50/50 may make them step up and become better parents.

There are more alternatives to 50:50 than EOW! An arrangement which ensures the DV see the non-resident parent every week for 2 or 3 nights can work really well. Especially if those 2-3 nights are not just weekend days eg Sunday - Tuesday or Thursday - Saturday.

They get their home “base” with one parent, regular contact with the other and both parents are doing some school runs / taking some responsibility for “child admin”. It does take a bit of coordination, but all shared arrangements do.

Good Luck op, it’s so difficult to navigate x

My DSD likes it, we always check in with her about it. It's just completely normal for her now though so she doesn't think twice about it.

It only works if both parents put their own feelings aside though and communicate properly. DH and his ex are pretty amicable and it all works well. DSD is a very happy child.

I assume he’s ducking out of so much because you’re doing it for him. That’s not a criticism, it’s just a fact. If you’re not there to do it, he’ll probably step it up and if he doesn’t then you can re-visit the arrangement.

50/50 is clearly the fairest option where logistics allow for it (for kids and parents).

Totally depends on how the children feel.

50/50 can definitely work in some families, not necessarily in others. What the adults want shouldn't even be a factor, it should be done on the basis of what's best for the children.

Not at all. I split with my ex when DS was 10 months old. 50/50 would absolutely not have been in DS's best interests at that age, when I had been the primary caregiver his whole life. Every case is different.

And on these threads all the people sayng 50/50 works well are parents. Most children who have actually done it (my younger self included), disagree.

OP I totally get where you're coming from, I agree with the stable base and that the kids are still very young. 70/30 or similar might be better, or no overnights for a while? Not sure how these things are negotiated.

What I would say though is he will HAVE to step up when you're not there and you might be surprised - he might become a much better dad through having to be more hands on and realising how hard it really is to slog through the tough parts.

I very much disagree with this. 50/50 is about being fair to the parents, it's not about the kids who then have to relocate every week. You couldnt' find many adults willing to do that.

OP, I think if you think it would be unsettling for the children then challenge it. Speak to a lawyer, they will be best placed to offer advice. Anecdotally noone I know has 50/50 except my sister in Sweden which is the most gender equal society I know.