To fight 5050 custody?

If he was a good dad and wanted 50/50 I'd probs not push for him to have less unless I would be happy to be in that same situation and only have them 25% of the time.

Sometimes it's better for the kids to spend the majority of the time with their mum but tbh I feel like there are also plenty of women who just want to have their cake and eat it.

My exH and I are separated and currently have a shared care arrangement in place...not quite 50/50, but close enough. He has DD from Sunday lunchtime until Wednesday when I pick her up from his after work (about 5.15pm). Unfortunately, as I work full time (Monday - Friday 8.30 - 4.30) I only really get to spend 1 full day with DD, so recently started having DD until about 6pm every 2nd Sunday so I can spend 2 full days with her (Sunday mornings were basically spent getting her ready to go out and meet exH at church to do handover, so no quality time really). He's now not happy with this as I'm not 'replenishing' the hours I'm now taking away from him earlier in the week.

There's also a backstory with my ex as well in that, I'm leaving because of domestic abuse (emotional and coercive control). I'm living with my mum (who helps me out majorly with childcare) but still paying rent on the house my ex now lives in as he doesn't work, hasn't attempted to look for work but is waiting on a UC claim coming through.

I also do all of DD's admin. For example, she recently needed a repeat prescription for her eczema cream. Instead of popping into the GP surgery (which is literally a 3 minute walk from the house he's still living in), he expected me to do it and kept saying things like "I told you she needed more cream"....err, just do it yourself! Of course I did it as DD needed her cream (she still had a bit left in the tube we had) but just the fact that he wants to spend more time with his DD but isn't willing to do basic things like put in for a repeat prescription! I've just decided to do all the admin as he doesn't do it.

Anyway, I'm ranting. In many cases, it can work...but I also agree with those saying it's good for a child to have a single place of residence where they wake up and go to sleep etc...also for the sake of putting the child's address on forms.
Let's face it, even if it was a perfect 50/50 split through the week (each parent gets 3.5 days with DC), there are still an odd number of days/nights in a week, so the child will always be spending one night extra with one parent.

If you were only concerned about the children, having them stay in the family home and the parents swapping in and out would be the best solution. It’s likely to be an absolute nightmare for the parents though.

The answers to "What is best for the kids?" May be one answer now but different when they are a little older

Kids and parents deserve a strong bond. This requires investment and give n take by parents.

You may need to loosen your ties slightly to allow for it.

It won't be easy whatever is decided.

Can you afford to live in separate homes close together? This makes 50/50 work much more easily. Same village or part of the town. Both walking distance to school so same friends, shops, parks, library and GP.

I know parents still sharing a house as it is not affordable to run 2 homes post split.

I know of another family planning to keep the family home and purchase / rent a flat nearby. The kids will stay in the same home and the parents will move between the 2 locations. It means having a closer tie between ex's but keeps the kids stability.

It means keeping the split very amicable!

Good luck. Are you sure you want divorce? Would a trial separation and some marriage therapy be helpful first? (Apologies if you have already tried this)

I agree. There are loads of other options. We do roughly 60/40 but also have things like both sharing the lifts for activities, and sometimes one child staying with me for a night while the other is at their dad's. We're also flexible around work commitments etc. I've seen others rigidly stick to 50/50 and have to have all sorts of complex childcare arrangements on top so sure they technically spend equal time under their parents' watch but they are not necessarily with the parent all the time but at after school clubs etc.

Surely the least disruptive thing for the kids is to roughly stick to the childcare pattern already established if at all possible.

I know a few divorced couples who have agreed to 50/50 splits and from what I have observed (from the outside) it has worked as both parents, despite the emotional trauma of the divorce, have managed to cooperate. Yes it was tough at first but the benefits have been enormous and after a few years there was a great deal flexibility and goodwill insofar as accommodating business trips, holidays etc.

Conversely I have seen some spectactular long drawn out shitfights lasting several years where the ex wife has demanded more then 50/50 because of some outdated notion that 'the children should be with the mother' no matter how competent, hands on and loving the father is. The children certainly don't win in this scenario.

You may also find that once you're into single parenthood, you may need more breaks then you think. Its hard to date and have a social life when you're a single parent and they are just having them EOW.

I know PP has already said this, but the principal consideration is what is in the children's best interests. Hopefully as parents you will be able to discuss and agree on this

My DC definitely needed a primary base with me as exH has no parenting skills and didn't want to learn, DC have SEN, and exH lives too far from school and in too small a home to have the DC on school nights.

However, if you can co-parent well and both live close to school/nursery then 50:50 is a good solution for everyone. It is very hard work to do it well, needs respect on all sides and good communication all the time.

You need to talk through what's right for your family, and consider all the options.

Does he want 50/50? If he finds parenting hard, its likely he won't want that. I don't think you can even begin to make plans until you find out what he wants and then you can begin to compromise. The best option for children is 2 parents who are willing to be flexible and meet their needs but also some structure to access. It may not even get to court if you can agree something between yourselves and that is what is best for the children.

We split when our child was 18 months. Dad never liked doing weekends as blamed work and social life. Now he's got a gf our child stays 2 set nights a week and about 1 in 5 weekends. It's not alot but if he doesn't want more I'm not going to force it. It must be awful for a child to be somewhere their parent doesn't want them

My parents divorced and I'm so glad my dad didn't push for 50/50. EOW was plenty - not all dads are created equal...

My close friend was in a 50/50 arrangement and totally hated it, they said they didn't feel secure/at home anywhere.

Disagree with this wholeheartedly. You POV only works if both parents are fully committed to making things as smooth as possible for dc - that means two sets of everything from clothing to games consoles. It simply isn't fair to expect young kids to pack up their whole lives every single week. And ensuring clubs can be attended, social lives can still go on as normal (not easy to conduct friendships if parents live quite far apart especially as kids get older and want to go out on their own).

Even in the best possible scenarios I'm not sure it's something I'd want for my dc. I wouldn't want to up and move to another home every week, why should they?

It's not standard by any means.

Everyone in my social circle does the EOW and half the holidays.

My ex asked for 50/50 and the judge said no. I had always been the primary carer and they look to keep the status quo where possible as its better for the children.

I don't think 50/50 is best for young children, though also EOW isn't best for young children either as that's too long to go without seeing their other parent. Something like one week they go the weekend and the next week the monday and tuesday, or EOW with several evenings with the non-resident parent inbetween.

50/50 can work well for older children so long as the parents live near enough to each other that the children can go independently between them if they forget something or just want a hug from the other parent, so maybe 8/9+

With older teens they should be allowed to choose themselves how long they spend with each parent

In terms of avoiding potential for upheaval, and your children feeling settled in one main home but with equal access to both parents, the 50:50 can be waking hours but not necessarily overnights. This is what exH and I have always done since separating when DS was 7, so DS will go to exH's after school on the one or two days a week that exH works from home, and he's there for dinner and 3 or 4 hours, but will be dropped back with me to hang out for an hour or so before bed. He only actually sleeps at exH's for two nights per week, and until age 10, it was just Saturday nights.

For this to work though, you need to get on well, for the financial arrangements to not be a source of tension, and preferably live fairly close. We expect things might become more fluid as DS is now a teen. He does prefer to see me every day though, even just for a quick cuddle and chat, whereas his dad has always worked part of the week away, so he's never seen him every single day.

It also helps that we've never needed childcare as I've always, and exH partly, worked from home, so there's always been lots of time to share.

There's growing evidence to say this is untrue.

Yes healthy relationships and time spent with both parents is the best thing but children benefit from stability and one base to call home. I certainly wouldn't want to be constantly moving backwards and forwards all the time not to mention potential long travelling distances. It's unfair and disruptive.

My ex is useless and sends the kids back scruffy, smelly and with unbrushed teeth and hair. 50/50 would NOT be in the best interests of my children. He has them eow and that is what is best.

I’ll be honest speaking from experience. 50/50 is horrible. A child’s life is essentially ripped completely in half and they are not really 100% part of neither family.

But what is the alternative? No parent is going to allow the other to have the bulk of the access even though it would give the child a stable home and family (with e.g EOW visits to the other parent).

Basically it is shit but you don’t have a leg to stand on. Ducking out of basic parenting responsibilities that you pick up isn’t going to fly in court.

That's absolutely not true in all cases. Every child is different, their needs are different, their parents are different, their relationships with each parent are different. You just cannot make a blanket statement about what's best for all children.

FWIW my nephew coped horribly with 50/50 contact and both parents ultimately agreed it was not in his best interests. He felt that he didn't have a "proper home" and was bouncing from place to place constantly. He needed the stability of a main residence. He also needed to spend the majority of his time with the person who had been his primary carer for his whole life up until the separation.

I only know of one family who have 50/50 contact and they do four days each on a rolling schedule. They've been separated since their son was a baby so it's all he's ever known. Every other separated couple I know, mum has the child/children for most of the time and dads have EOW and a couple of evenings in the week.

My dc have roughly 60/40… it’s become closer to 50/50 as they get older. For us, it’s healthy and works well.

As someone who didn’t have much of a relationship with my dad, I feel strongly that it’s really important to have equal relationships with both parents. He will have to step up if he wants 50/50. He’ll have to be a parent. And if he does that, it will be better for the children. In your absence, he won’t be able to duck out and will have to find his own way of parenting, and they will have to accept him as caregiver. It could really strengthen their bond.

if he isn’t capable of doing this, 50/50 won’t last long anyway.

BIL used to be a bit of a useless parent, SIL did it all from when the kids were young. When they split she insisted they do a fair share each and he has stepped up (no choice!). There was a lot of pizza in the beginning but they were fortunate that finances were healthy and so they were able to live separately but near to each other. A few years down the line the girls are 12 and 10 and things are going well I believe and they don't mind having two houses. It won't suit all parents and it won't suit all kids. You need to talk to each other about it and be realistic about what's possible.

Why can't you have a full time job and the children 50%? Lots of single mums work full time and have the children 100%. Just use childcare like most people.

My kids chose 50/50 themselves. It was really important to them that they split their time equally, but everyone is different.

It also cemented the 'two homes' rather than one home and being a visitor somewhere, they treat each house as their home. As they've got older, this has relaxed a bit and they choose where they want to be, come and go as they please because it's home.

As a parent, the benefit is getting a break. Being solely responsibly for children for the majority of the time is pretty draining.