To fight 5050 custody?

@TrucksTrains op what happened can you update us

@Lavendersparkles22 hi, how have you managed to fight it please? Have the courts been involved?

Zombie thread

Well to be fair, when it’s the other way around on here everyone says the woman should rinse the higher earning man for all he’s worth.

I don't see why it should be any different with the genders reversed.

Can a mum ask for 5050 custody of the children? Can it be enforced on dad in the court?
Children are age 5 and below. Reason I ask is because is becoming too overwhelming having to care for 3 children while dad is only in their life once in 2weeks. I think it is only fair we have equal parental responsibility.
Is this something you think court will agreed too with the mum?

I actually don't think it's in the best interests of the children. Contact yes, of course, but actual 50:50 split so the children have no actual home but have to live in two entirely separate homes? Naaa. I'd hate it as an adult—and that's coming from someone who loves change and staying away from home—so why inflict it on my children if it wouldn't work for me?

Of course there will be exceptions - there always are. But generally speaking it's Mum the kids reach out for when, for example, they're ill. It was Mum the wounded cried out for on the battle field, not Dad. No offence dads. It's just a Mum thing.

Some of the issues with 50/50 are if one parent has a long commute or works away a lot, proximity to school etc.

Ideally you don't fight for anything. Remember once you worked together and the fact you don't know is very sad for the children. Divorce but try and treat each other well. I was divorce lawyer and once read a welfare report where the lad said he wanted to spend more time with his mum and more time with his dad. Stuck with me.

I was pretty much 50/50 from age 11 upwards and even though it became my normal I’m still torn on whether it was actually best for me or best for my parents.

I always felt quite temporary at my Dads, I didn’t like having to always be packing up my stuff and moving between houses, the different rules were confusing. I remember starting my period at my Dads house and just wanting to go home to my mum but it was a bit of a drama. But overall it was fine, I had everything I needed in both houses and got to spend equal time with both parents and have a great relationship with both now that I really value.

But I have a 2 year old myself now and I admit if DH left us I couldn’t just not see her for 50% of her life. I just couldn’t. I don’t know what the answer would be but 50/50 would completely break my heart. I have a friend who does it with her 18 month old and everytime I think about her handing her tiny toddler over knowing she won’t get to cuddle her for 3 days it makes me feel tearful. At least I was older and more independent, for infants it just feels different and quite unsettling. Idk, just my thoughts, I guess there is no perfect solution in some cases.

My parents are not separated but if they had been I honestly couldn't imagine spending half of my childhood away from my mum.
I love my dad dearly, he was funny and made me laugh but my mum was my rock, my support and my best friend and as a child I needed my mum.
I think it's important to find out what the child wants and needs.

If he is a good father who is involved with the children and can care for them properly and you can practically make it work in terms of travel you are being unreasonable to fight 50/50. They are his children too.

He ducks out of so much now because you are there. He will have to step up if you split

If he doesn't step up at that point it may no longer be in the kids best interest to have 50/50

Might I ask how this is going as currently in the same situation!

The only thing about this is we have to bear in mind the change in cultural expectations of fathers as compared to, say, in the 80s/90s.

I have said I’m not really a fan of 50/50 for little ones, although I also said it can work sometimes and Ive seen it go well (for context of this reply)

I really couldn’t imagine my own father having been able to do 50/50 - but more fathers nowadays are stepping up to do 50% of the work within a relationship, so it might be becoming more viable than it was.

🙌

@isthistheendtakeabreath Your way works for you. Don't be a bitch about people who make different choices or have better dads for their kids.

I think that's perhaps because no parent wants to admit to themselves and others that their decisions - like leaving/ending a relationship/marriage - has ultimately made their children very unhappy and negatively impacted them

I think also many parents don't want to openly admit that they don't want to parent more than 50% of the time on their own and that they want a break from their kids and so use 50/50 custody to facilitate this

I didn't have children to only see them 50% of their childhood. My ex left us - our marriage was normal by every day standards - no real arguments, got along fine, seemed like a team until we weren't. In my mind his actions had consequences, in choosing to leave he forfeited certain things and that includes the right to dictate that I lose time with my children. (CAVEAT - This is very specific to my circumstances and obviously won't apply to those that left due to abuse - my ex specifically left because he didn't want to be part of a busy family life so he doesn't get to pick and choose the best bits now and avoid the drudgery of nappies, potty training and sleepless nights)

And most kids wished they didn't just see their dad sporadically. Everyone has their own opinions and experiences, there is no perfect solution. We all just have to do our best and find what works as a family.
My ex is an amazing dad, my kids would HATE not seeing him 50% off the time. 50:50 is for them and it's for us.

It's exactly the same with threads about step parents. All the parents claim their children adore their step parents and step siblings. All the posters who were those children say it was miserable. Parents never want to admit they've put themselves and their desires first.

There was an interesting thread a while back where the OP asked people about their experiences of 50/50 care as the children in the scenario. Most who experienced it as children said it was not good for them/they hated it. Most parents on the thread insisted their children were happy with 50/50.

Do you think he’ll actually want 50/50?

Of the men I know that went for 50/50 on a split they were either hands on, excellent Dads so 50/50 was a no-brainer as it was best for the kids or ones who wanted control still.

The vast majority of guys still default to weekends and holidays in my experience. Especially those that haven’t been proactively hands on and the Mum did most of it.

It might be where the courts head mostly now, but the majority of couples splitting don’t end up in court sorting access arrangements.

If there are two good loving parents then yes 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids.

My Ds was 3 when I split with my DH, we live overseas with no family.

We started with him doing pickup from daycare then home for dinner bath every night at my place (where we had always lived together ) as we had done while married.

Then progressed over six months to 3 nights a week, I needed this to be able to work full time to pay my rent and bills.

He stepped up over time and became an amazing dad, we are pretty equal as parents now, whereas before I seemed to do it all.

We do live 5mins from one another, and have a good friendship and put the needs of DS first before everything.

We help one another out if work commitments come up, and despite slightly different parenting styles DS is thriving now at 10, we are now 50/50 on a 5/2/2/5 rotation.

It was important for both of us to have the time and energy to build our careers to support two households and with no family support we had to be able to rely to an extent on one another.

Your 2 paragraphs contradict each other.

Men get custody if they fight but the best thing for the kids is for the to be amicable.

If you do end up splitting, then by far the best thing for your kids is for the two of you to be amicable and on the same page about things. You need to work on the relationship with your coparent, even after a divorce. Do you think you could convince him that having one main residence really is best for the kids? And possibly spend summers with Dad? But even if the two of you agree now, if you split then his loyalties may shift more towards his own family, and they may influence him as well.

It's tough, and yes, people are mistaken when they say "the woman always gets custody." Men who fight for custody have a good chance and many people sympathise with a Dad who wants to spend time with his kids.

Your ex left you so you refused to have the debate? Was this to get back at him? Anyway, you would have had to have the debate if he had fought for it.