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Original poster

Selfish husband?

139 replies

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:34

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 13/06/2023 22:23

you put your wish for a second baby above everyone else's needs, including your children's.

This. You've given your elder daughter a sibling, sure.

At the cost of being spoiled by having her dad's exclusive attention, and normalising a dynamic where she is the one loved by both parents, and her sibling is second class. And that's before you get to the second child who was categorically unwanted by her father.

I don't think you're in a position to throw the word selfish around when you made choices for your children that others wouldn't inflict on a dog.

Motnight · 13/06/2023 22:20

Why will it change when your second baby becomes a toddler?

Original poster
PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 22:13

Thank you for your replies and your honesty. It has opened my mind a little more into my husbands thoughts.
Knowing my husband, I am confident it will be okay when she gets to toddler age but will be hard until that point. I take on board your advise on couples therapy.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Cakeorchocolate · 13/06/2023 22:10

He made it pretty clear it wasn't what he wanted, you pressured and pressured to get him to agree and unfortunately for the whole family he gave in to the pressure.

So it definitely isn't as clear as he's selfish. You're no less selfish for pushing him to get what you wanted.

I guess you thought he would change his mind when the baby was born and fall all doe eyed in love with it.
I'm sorry you're knackered, parenting as a team is exhausting, let alone doing all of the care for the youngest yourself, but at the same time, it is what you offered to get your own way.

UndercoverCop · 13/06/2023 22:08

He told you very clearly he didn't want a second child. You badgered him. A male partner would be called a bully for similar behaviour. He relented, he didn't happily change his mind. Why on earth would you agree to a pregnancy on the basis he would have nothing to do with her?!
I mean he's being pretty terrible ignoring his own baby, but you've essentially tried to force him to patent a child he very clearly stated he didn't want. It didn't work.
This situation is toxic for your children. He's being selfish but so are you, you put your wish for a second baby above everyone else's needs, including your children's.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 13/06/2023 22:05

Yeah this is a hard one. You made him have another baby he said he didn’t want by saying you’d do everything. You’re both wrong and I don’t have a solution apart from therapy or for you to split because the impact on your children is going to be a lot if this continues!

Ash099 · 13/06/2023 22:05

I just dont think many men have the baby maternal urges that we do. Some of them are just incapable of being around a baby but can happily deal with older baby/ toddler.

Original poster
PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 22:03

Bittersweet.

Over the moon I have a second child. The bond between the sisters is lovely too.

Sad that there is no bond between father and baby after seeing how close father is with first daughter.
Also I very rarely ask for help. Would appreciate support the few times I do ask for it without a sarcastic reply. Maybe I’m wrong…

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 13/06/2023 22:01

The whole situation sounds like a mess. I agree with the suggestion of going to couples therapy.

Ash099 · 13/06/2023 22:01

I could have written your post. It is a horrible place to be - mine also mentally switched off at home and also with our other kids because he couldnt cope with another baby! I dont know what the solution is, mine came round during extended annual leave at home but the baby was 13 months by then. Maybe you will find that once baby enters toddler hood, he will find himself getting more involved.

negomi90 · 13/06/2023 21:58

You're both equally awful.
He's being awful, but he told you what he'd do and you didn't believe him. He didn't want a second child, you pressured him into it, and he's doing what he said.
You're both unreasonable. He should never have let you badger him into a child he didn't want. And when he did agree, he should have stepped up to avoid harming that child.
You badgered him into something so that he didn't feel able to say no.

Now because of both of you, there are children who are going to be harmed in the middle of this.
Your younger child will start noticing in a few years and it will hurt her. If you divorce will he even look after her? Divorce or together his neglect will hurt her.
And with you, are you going to try and compensate the younger one for the neglect of her father and thus give her more time/attention/things/latitude when she does something wrong. That's inevitable as you subconsciously try and even things out. But it will harm your relationship with your older one who will feel that you favour the younger one.

Please get both of you and him into family therapy or counselling before the baby grows old enough to notice.

Original poster
PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:57

I don’t think he would want both children. He would only want to look after the second when she’s older and can communicate.
He’s out 4 times a week instead of 2.

OP posts:
StuartBroadshairband · 13/06/2023 21:49

So, you're unhappy that you got what you wanted.

DustyLee123 · 13/06/2023 21:39

Your second DD will know, if he doesn’t change his tune. It would be interesting to know if he would want both children equally for contact if you did divorce 🤔
Is he going out more now than he did when you only had one ?

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