Selfish husband?

Wtf have I just read? Sorry you are as bad as him. Your selfish need to have a baby will probably lead to divorce and both your children suffering emotional damage in some way. Was it worth it? Clearly not.

I second this!

You got what you wanted and he's holding you to your promise. You should have thought about how the child would feel, and he should have stuck to his original decision and not agreed for another baby. Lose lose for you, him and the baby

My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it

This was, frankly, a fucking stupid thing for you both to do.

At the end of the day, if he didn't want to be a dad, he should have worn a condom or had the snip.

He agreed to this. The fact OP persuaded him is irrelevant. He could have and should have said no. He could have left the relationship if he felt pressured.

He had options other than to neglect an innocent child

@Pallisers I see this as the husband set a very clear boundary- I don’t want a second child, but if you do then carry on but know I won’t do a thing for the child- it was clear, unequivocal and very well stated.
The OP clearly heard this and only an extreme optimist would have thought, oh, he will come round, and actually had this baby.

I can see this is ok for a cat, or at a push a dog, but to bring a child into a family where one person has said they will have nothing to do with the child, is surely madness.
there are enough stories on here of men who clearly think like this father, but don’t say it and just passive aggressively get a hobby instead, so have no time for the children.

and there is no guarantee siblings get on, so many threads also show this. The OP was foolish to ignore her husbands clearly stated boundaries and now has a monumental mess if she is to prevent severe psychological damage to both her children. Ignored kids struggle to build self esteem and golden children have another set of problems.

A man who truly loves his wife and family doesn’t behave like this. You know it. I’d be asking him to walk out that door and keep walking.

It is a one sided issue. The issue is not whether his wife behaved badly (probably she did - there are definitely two sides there). The issue is whether it is ok for a father to ignore his baby. It isn't. There are no two sides there - if there are please tell me what the other side is? Under what circumstances may a man ignore his baby and refuse to bond with her while having a loving relationship with his older child? Do you really think that is acceptable simply to punish his wife?

I don't have rose-tinted glasses. I do have expectations that men should behave decently.

You are expecting too much of yourself and him. Get a babysitter and go have some time to yourself . An evening swim, meet up with a mate for a walk and a coffee. You’re both working and have 2 small kids with no family support. Get a cleaner. I’m not saying his behaviour is great or that yours has been either tbh. But here you are: everything is easier to desal with if you’re not exhausted. That includes mental exhaustion, you need a break. He is looking after himself 4 evenings a week , you need to take time off as well.

We're ignoring the fact that the OP even admits she pressured him into it, though?
If you see this as a one-sided issue, you need to take the rose tinted glasses off.

He clearly wasn't keen on the idea of having a baby in the house again, and made that very clear to you.

He agreed to another baby on the basis that you would do everything, and that's what is happening.

I'm sure when the baby is bigger he will start doing more. He just made it clear he didn't want a baby.

Essentially you have taught your husband that you get what you want, at any cost. You will make empty promises, go back on your word and try to circumvent reality. If it was a guy that did this there would be outrage. However you are both as bad as each other. I'm not sure couples therapy can solve this. You can try though but it would be very surprising to me if you were together in the future.

Please don’t have a second child unless you BOTH want one.
It will mess with both kids so much if you don’t, and is utterly unfair to not be a committed parent to both.
How can you even contemplate this, reading the replies to this thread. Please set your partner free to find someone who wants as many kids as he does.

Yep. Totally agree with @Pallisers . How can you want to be in a relationship with this piece of shite?

Baby DD is here now, and he’s so wrapped up in punishing you, he’s forgotten he’s her dad. I wouldn’t wait about hoping it might get better, whilst the damage to the children worsens every day.

I’m really shocked at the lack of sympathy you are getting to be honest. There’s a million posts on here about dads/partners trying to force women to get abortions and everyone is up in arms about it, but you’ve essentially done exactly this, just a step back! The end result is that he agreed to get you pregnant. He is an adult and already a father so no matter what you said to encourage that, he will have known full well what that would entail. Leaving you for 8 months to do everything alone and not attempt to bond with this child is terrible. I don’t think you are in the wrong here - yes, the situation clearly wasn’t perfect to begin with but it’s not like you were asking him to agree to 6 children!! You already had one and wanted a sibling for her - I’d say this is a perfectly normal request and I’m sure you thought he would eventually come round. He probably will, but does he love you like you deserve to be loved? I’d be very sad if my husband allowed me to do all of that by myself for months. Don’t stay with him because you think you should, choose what is right for you and your daughters. I’m very sorry you are going through this.

I think you definitely need counselling together with a good therapist who can work through the past decisions and improve the future. It’s obviously crucial he treats your DDs the same as they grow up. It’s too important to not get sorted.

I don't actually think it matters what you agreed before having your second child. He agreed to have the baby, now he owes it to both his dc not to completely screw them both up by parenting one and ignoring the other.

He sounds like a shit dad and partner.

How are people suggesting she makes him step up with the second child? She can’t. If she issues as ultimatum he might decide divorce is better and that he only wants contact with the elder daughter. She’s struggling as it is, if he’s around less how’s that going to help?

I don’t know what the answer is but presumably she’s told him how low she’s feeling and he’s holding firm to their stupid damaging agreement. Awful for both children.

I couldn't live with or respect a man who treats his child like that.

Simple as that.

I don't care if the OP pressured him into having another baby (bad idea but probably choosing to reproduce with this man in the first place was a bad idea). He said yes and now he is rejecting a child. This will affect all his children -but hey it works for him because he doesn't have to get up with his baby (HIS baby) and can go out drinking with friends. WIN - if you are a fucker.

Personally I think he is using this as a get out of jail free card with any work for the baby. When she's older he'll be fine with her because the hard bit is done.

He is horrible. I would leave him. I could not live with a man who rejected his own child. horrible.

You did push your dh to have a dc.
However he's not stupid and must know that a dc needs love and attention from both parents.
The argument that you wanted the dc so he doesn't have to get involved is unfair on the dc.
She should never have been born within this horrible atmosphere of your dd your problem.
Your dh needs to start behaving like a father to both of his dc.

I dont have kids yet but my partner and I have had similar conversations to you. I have helped with my nephews and it all feels exhausting. I only want one, he wants three.

He is begging me to agree to a second before we get married and are stuck together as it's almost a deal breaker for him to have just one child. I don't want a second as I see how exhausting my nephews are and I want some harmony. He has agreed to do everything. It has been tense with us almost parting ways over it. We both agree we need a decision before we have kids (assuming we can have them). Whilst we haven't come to an agreement yet, I am considering having two but would expect him to do everything as promised.

I think this was a terrible idea, sorry. On both your parts. However you are where you are, and you can't carry on like this. Yes some men arent great with babies apparently but in this case he may never get better if he doesnt spend any time with the youngest.

It will fuck both your daughters up to live in a family dynamic of golden child / scapegoat. Even if you treat them the same (which will be hard as you will want to over compensate with the youngest) they will also blame you for not protecting them from it. So something needs to change, despite what you agreed at the time, because continuing with this set up is going to lead to two miserable parents and two damaged children.

He needs to make a decision now whether he wants to work on his relationship with your youngest (who will be a toddler in a few months so past the tiny baby stage) or not and if not then you need to leave the marriage.

No op you are sticking your head in the sand that everything is going to be ok and it’s your own fault . But it needs sorting what if when she’s a toddler that you say it will be ok , what then oh when she’s primary school age the a teenager then an adult .
this is s prime example of a child growing up feeling not wanted and 2nd best , appalling behaviour op and you seem so blinded by this .

I’m struggling to understand the point of even having a sibling in this dynamic. We read similar on mumsnet (and other places) all the time and the siblings don’t have a relationship because of the way the parents have treated each of them. It’s such a huge gamble. So I do agree with the poster(s) who have said both OP and her husband are selfish and I feel sorry for the children in the middle of it all.

Why the hell did you agree to do everything? Sorry but you brought a child into the world because you wanted it he didn’t and only agreed because you said you’d do everything.
he has little to do with this child your words , can you imagine how this child will feel growing up that her dad doesn’t want her and treats her differently to her sister .
sorry op but i think this awful for all involved. how bloody selfish can you both actually be neither of you have thought about your 2 dc . You need to sort this asap tell him this can’t go on . The baby is here now he is the farther like it or not but you will not have it that he behaves like this , he pulls his weight and he takes an interest .

This sounds upsetting all round. For him, for your child and for you.
Unfortunately it’s never a good idea to pressurise someone into doing what they don’t want to do as it ultimately backfires.

Sadly you’ve also decided in amongst this that your DH will change his mind as your baby gets older. Perhaps he will but perhaps he won’t. It actually sounds as though you are the one here who is trying to control everything and even dictate how he may feel in the future.

I would also suggest couples therapy to see if there is a way through this because you can see this is quite a mess at the moment.

I think you are both wrong sadly. I hope this works out for you but realistically I also think it’s down to you to do the grunt work if that’s the agreement that was struck. But I really hope that bonds build as you think going forward. I’m guessing you are both a seething mass of resentment in your own ways due to the diametrically opposed views on what you both wanted for your respective futures with your family dynamic.