Selfish husband?

You should sit down with DH and ask him, if he really loves DD1 then what behaviour do you think he is modelling for her?
What blueprint are you and he setting out for her for her future relationships?

She's three, so she will see mum doing all the work with the baby while dad goes out, dad doting on the 3 year old while ignoring the baby and letting his partner suffer.

If he really really loves your first daughter, he needs to consider very carefully how this upbringing will affect her future relationships with men and how they can treat her in a relationship. He is in a fantasist dreamland if he thinks it will have no effect and he needs this to be pointed out to him.

No matter how he feels about the first child, he is causing a lot of damage to the first child that he supposedly is a good father too by willingly ignoring the other child and her mother's burden of all the work.

He's an arsehole. It doesn't matter if you pressured him into it, the fact is the baby is here and he is punishing an innocent child.

He needs to grow up. Who "wanted" the baby is irrelevant, he knowingly created it and so is responsible for it.
If he doesn't step up, you need to leave. Your child can't grow up in that environment.

I think your DP is being a selfish twat, personally. Does he have no compassion/emotion? Fine he relented and agreed but he still agreed to another baby.

We had 2 young DC’s, I then got unexpectedly pregnant with our third. DP was adamant he didn’t want another baby (I didn’t either really) but after much soul searching I couldn’t abort her. She’s here now & 2. DH loves her just as much as the other 2 & is as involved as he was with the ‘planned’ children. I’d think a lot less of him as a person if he’d been a big baby about it.

Life happens, we adapt. He needs to stop being selfish and put his child’s needs before his own.

A few of my friends cut a similar deal with their husband for the last baby. You would think the dad would melt when they see the baby and help, but no.

how long did you say you would do everything until, 18 months or 18 years?

you need a counsellor, you both feel shafted and are not seeing the other side. Communication breakdown and resentment which is understandable. Get counselling.
Good luck. I wish you well.

He's being a stubborn tit and needs to sort his shit out because he has two daughters and a wife he should be caring about.

But you created this situation. So ultimately, YABU.

Well you're unreasonable having a child with someone whobdidnt want one and thinking somehow it'll all be OK. He's unreasonable for giving in to your stupid demands.
He's kept his deal, you've kept yours but now because you and the baby are loosing out you've changed your mind.
He's right, you did this.

This is such a sad situation. You were crazy to have had a second child with him but I understand just how powerful the urge to have babies is. Look at all the Mumsnet threads where women have babies with terrible partners or where there are other reasons that it's a really dumb decision.

The situation is what it is, it's hard to say what's the best thing to do. Whatever you do you need to put your kids first. I don't think arguing over your second daughter or criticising his behaviour is going to help him bond with her though. I'm going to get crucified for this suggestion but what about stopping making any negative comments about his behaviour around the baby and riding things out until she is older and more interesting to him?
From a feminist point of view that will feel like a shit thing to do but maybe it would be in your daughters best interest? It's not unusual to struggle to bond with babies. I'd be hopeful he will come around when she is older. I don't know though.

If he continues to not bond with her then you will have to leave him. I can't see any other option.

Wow what a sad situation all around op. there is no magic answer in my mind. You have just got to keep going and hope that he warms to your other daughter and if he doesn't then you'll need to end the marriage before it damages your second child life.

Jesus Christ. Both of you are ridiculous.

I just feel sorry for the second kid who's going to have a dad that doesn't love them! Very stupid of you to have a baby with someone who didn't want another though.

Sounds like a brilliant excuse for him to do nothing and will be thrown back in your face forever more. Couples therapy or split for the sake of your 2nd child because they WILL notice and it WILL fuck them up.

Men may not wish to have a child but once their sexual partner is pregnant they no longer have a say about whether the pregnancy becomes a living child, is that more clear?
I think posters are rather missing the point of the comparison I was drawing. It's not about supporting feckless dads that's for sure!

You are both selfish, you for pushing him into something he didn’t want and him for not stepping up and doing the right thing by this child.

The men should wear a condom or abstain from sex or get the snip then shouldn't they.

How do men get a woman pregnant and not have a say in whether a woman gets pregnant?

What utter sexist shit.

Are we talking at cross purposes? If a woman is pg, she doesn't have to give the father of the child any part in her decision to keep/not keep the baby. She might choose to, but she certainly doesn't have to!
We would still judge a man who had a baby in these circumstances for not being a loving father to his child.

I think this will work out fine when she's older. But in the meantime you're going to have to suck it up and stick to the deal you made and yeah, it's gonna be very hard graft, but you knew that when you said you wanted to do it.

Funnily enough I knew a couple who made the same deal and they stuck to it into the daughter's 20s. He had a great relationship with both girls but he didn't help with any of work involved even when they were young adults.

Don’t be ridiculous, men always have a say.

Many men don't want to have a child, but due to getting a woman pregnant they don't have a say in this. Is it ok for them to not give a damn about the child that results, because they didn't want it in the first place? And if not, what's different about this case?

If he was SO against it, he should have never agreed to a second. What he’s done is fucking cruel. Of course you’d assume he would naturally love a second child. I feel so sorry for your youngest daughter. What a cunt he is.

You are where you are, not how I (or most of the posters here) would have dealt with having a second DC.

Why don't you have a babysitter? Give yourself a break and book one, get some time to yourself and recharge.

When you're feeling more rested, think about your future and how to bring up both your DC in a happy home.

It's not just your youngest being damaged if you all carry on as you are - your eldest is too. She can see dad doesn't want to spend time with the baby. She'll sub-consciously realise her dad doesn't like her sister. You will be over compensating with the youngest, whether you realise you're doing it or not, you'll be doing it.

How he treats you is one thing. But to not show love and care to his own child is a dick move

I think it is pathetic and childish how this man is punishing you.

It is appalling how he lacks interest in your new daughter.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison and oh boy does he like poison.

Working 30 hours a week with two young children is very taxing even without the night feeds.

Im not sure I could hold it together the way you are managing to. He needs to do some more jobs around the house and we’ll going out four times a week!!

grrrr that is a disgrace an absolute disgrace. Where is he going?