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AIBU?

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Original poster

Selfish husband?

139 replies

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:34

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

OP posts:
User1438423 · 15/06/2023 20:33

This is really sad for your younger dd. Tough situation all round. He shouldn't have agreed on that basis, but I also think it was unreasonable of him to deny your child a sibling and you another child. Did he say he only wanted one before your first born? It would have been unreasonable of him not to say so before. I would strongly consider breaking up with him before it affects your daughter's relationship. I'd potentially wait it out to see if he becomes more involved once she is a toddler, but if he doesn't then I would definitely not continue living with him. I wouldn't tolerate a father going out drinking 4 nights a week though, I'd insist on that stopping right away.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 15/06/2023 20:32

What kind of a man would treat his child like that?

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:25

Get her act together. She had a child knowing her husband would ignore its needs.
She's got what she wants so now she needs to step up

CrazyHedgehogLover · 15/06/2023 20:24

Wtf are some of these responses, if he didn’t want a second child he should have wore a condom! Yes Op you may have spoken to him/badgered him but surely people can’t be that thick that it takes two to make a baby?

yes the agreement was you do everything, however, he should have the common sense to know the family dynamic obviously wouldn’t work if he doesn’t show love and support! He will cause a rift between the daughters as they get older with the eldest being labelled “the favourite”..
I would have a serious chat with him and say that yes you agreed to do everything,l but in that instance he should have just made it very clear he wouldn’t be having unprotected sex unless you both agree no baby.

instead he willingly has unprotected sex which (obviously) a baby has now appeared.

he should be stepping up and wanting to do what he has done for the eldest daughter, you need to say to him this family won’t work/relationship unless he starts to grow up.

yes you wanted a second child and probably nagged for one, I have many of times done this to my husband when I feel broody! However he’s not stupid and knows by getting me pregnant comes along with responsibility, so he firmly stands his ground and says no, also he’s reassured because I’m on the coil.

you both have another lovely daughter, your eldest now has a little sister and the bond between them should be unbroken, him carrying on the way he is will tear this all apart, he’s being selfish!

Avondale89 · 15/06/2023 20:23

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:22

@Avondale89 it's honest. Not vicious.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Your post was incredibly nasty and unhelpful. I’m not sure what the OP is supposed to do with that information.

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:22

@Avondale89 it's honest. Not vicious.

Avondale89 · 15/06/2023 20:21

ButterCrackers · 15/06/2023 20:18

That’s horrid to state. How nasty of you.

Show quote history

Isn’t it just. Do some people just come on here to be vicious?

i can’t understand people berating the OP, yes it wasn’t a wise decision but it’s a bit late now! The child is here now and he needs to step up.

Mari9999 · 15/06/2023 20:20

@PomPomQueen1
You had a child to satisfy your wants. He did not desire to have another child because he had no such want. He was very clear about his feelings.

You are not unlike my kids who wanted a pet and swore that they would be responsible for all of its needs. Once the pet arrived, they feel in love with it, but within 3 months were tired of the feeding and cleaning.

It is unfortunate that you have become tired of the responsibility that you committed to undertake. It is probably not the baby that he is resenting; he is more likely resenting himself for agreeing to this situation and resenting you for putting him in this position.

There are no good or easy answers to your situation. You might try couples counseling, but your situation is sad because a second child was a want but not a need. His agreeing was unfortunate because he knew that he did not want another child but agreed to this as though it were no more significant than getting a pet. Sadly, you cannot re-home a baby when you tire of the responsibility of caring for it or choose not to bond with it.

Things may change ,but it was an unnecessary risk to take with a human life. This baby deserved better from both of you.

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:20

@ButterCrackers it's the truth.
The husband is ignoring the youngest child and the wife is allowing it.
This is going to be one fucked up kid with a major sibling rivalry complex

Avondale89 · 15/06/2023 20:20

Clearly it wasn’t a good idea to have this child when your husband didn’t want a second. However now that he’s here he needs to step up. He’s an utter bastard and I would all
respect for my other half if he behaved like this. Therapy or bust for me, but I’m not sure I could stick around after seeing his ability to blatantly ignore his own child.

Namechange1345677 · 15/06/2023 20:19

i had this conversation with my husband....over a dog! YABU. your poor DD. he told you he didnt want another child....and you ignored his wishes.

ButterCrackers · 15/06/2023 20:18

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:17

You honestly both sound like appalling parents.

That’s horrid to state. How nasty of you.

grayhairdontcare · 15/06/2023 20:17

You honestly both sound like appalling parents.

ButterCrackers · 15/06/2023 20:17

He had two children but is only bothered about one and you have to do everything. What a selfish person he must be. Best off as a single parent without the stress of this loser.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:13

Goldbar · 15/06/2023 20:12

He agreed to have this child, he needs to step up and parent her.

It might have been better not to push the issue of a second child, but who knows if you did the wrong thing for your first child? MN is full of tales of sibling relationships turned sour, but for many people their relationships with their siblings are some of the most supportive and rewarding of their lives. Also no one has a crystal ball - if he is capable of this sort of obnoxious behaviour towards a small child and his exhausted co-parent, maybe your relationship wouldn't have stood the course anyway even had you stuck with one child.

As far as I see it, he doesn't get to keep punishing you for a decision he ultimately agreed to. He either decides he wants to be part of the family in its present form and participate fully, or he's out.

This

Slay1981 · 15/06/2023 20:13

You begged him and told him you'd do everything? That's the type of conversation that happens between a parent and an 8 year old child who's desperate for a pet hamster!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:13

Even if he didn't want the baby that much, he still agreed to it. You are working almost full time it's so unfair ti leave so much to you to do. Going out four times a week is ridiculous. You need to go out yourself - he knows how to formula feed just tell him which nights are your 'me' time. She's still his baby. If he cares about you he should care about your well-being and having a break. For things to continue as they are would be very worrying for the mental health of your baby and the relationship between the siblings

Goldbar · 15/06/2023 20:12

He agreed to have this child, he needs to step up and parent her.

It might have been better not to push the issue of a second child, but who knows if you did the wrong thing for your first child? MN is full of tales of sibling relationships turned sour, but for many people their relationships with their siblings are some of the most supportive and rewarding of their lives. Also no one has a crystal ball - if he is capable of this sort of obnoxious behaviour towards a small child and his exhausted co-parent, maybe your relationship wouldn't have stood the course anyway even had you stuck with one child.

As far as I see it, he doesn't get to keep punishing you for a decision he ultimately agreed to. He either decides he wants to be part of the family in its present form and participate fully, or he's out.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:09

negomi90 · 13/06/2023 21:58

You're both equally awful.
He's being awful, but he told you what he'd do and you didn't believe him. He didn't want a second child, you pressured him into it, and he's doing what he said.
You're both unreasonable. He should never have let you badger him into a child he didn't want. And when he did agree, he should have stepped up to avoid harming that child.
You badgered him into something so that he didn't feel able to say no.

Now because of both of you, there are children who are going to be harmed in the middle of this.
Your younger child will start noticing in a few years and it will hurt her. If you divorce will he even look after her? Divorce or together his neglect will hurt her.
And with you, are you going to try and compensate the younger one for the neglect of her father and thus give her more time/attention/things/latitude when she does something wrong. That's inevitable as you subconsciously try and even things out. But it will harm your relationship with your older one who will feel that you favour the younger one.

Please get both of you and him into family therapy or counselling before the baby grows old enough to notice.

This is mean but I agree with the last sentence only

wp65 · 15/06/2023 19:59

Pallisers · 14/06/2023 01:02

I couldn't live with or respect a man who treats his child like that.

Simple as that.

I don't care if the OP pressured him into having another baby (bad idea but probably choosing to reproduce with this man in the first place was a bad idea). He said yes and now he is rejecting a child. This will affect all his children -but hey it works for him because he doesn't have to get up with his baby (HIS baby) and can go out drinking with friends. WIN - if you are a fucker.

Personally I think he is using this as a get out of jail free card with any work for the baby. When she's older he'll be fine with her because the hard bit is done.

He is horrible. I would leave him. I could not live with a man who rejected his own child. horrible.

I agree with this.

Valour · 15/06/2023 19:58

He could have said no. He agreed. And on the basis of this evidence, he agreed to have a child he wouldn't care for, and would treat her differently to her sister. He's a bastard.

You can beat yourself up about it all you want OP, but you are where you are. This is no way to raise your girls. You can't change your past but you can change your future.

GrumpyPanda · 15/06/2023 19:58

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:57

I don’t think he would want both children. He would only want to look after the second when she’s older and can communicate.
He’s out 4 times a week instead of 2.

So he's taken the 2nd child as an excuse to do less than before? Whatever anyone's opinion of your "agreement" this is crappy behaviour.

hattie43 · 15/06/2023 19:54

Why on earth have a child when he didnt want one , poor little girl .

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/06/2023 19:34

You knew he didn't want another one but you wore him down, now you and this poor child will pay the price

Modaboutyou · 15/06/2023 19:32

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean this to be harsh, but I think you've been the selfish one. Pushing for another child because you didn't have a sibling? Absolutely no guarantee they will be close/get along. Pushing when you know he didn't want to and then going ahead with his crazy suggestion of not being involved? Imagine how your second child will feel growing up? Always second best, dad didn't want me etc. Terrible family dynamic and this will only get worse as she gets older.

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