My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

@BreathingDeep

I think one of the reasons you're feeling things more deeply now is because you are finally shutting the door. Before, your brain minimized these things to make it easier for you to maintain contact with him without being overwhelmed when you do see him by the pain he's caused you. Now that you've said "No more" to yourself I think your brain is removing that mental barrier and letting you feel all the feelings. It may be a good time to access counseling to help you work through this 'deluge' of feelings and put them in their proper places.

I pretty much always advise to NOT send that 'goodbye letter/email' when going NC. It's not going to change who they are and what they did. It's also not going to give them a 'come to Jesus moment' in which they suddenly realize how terrible they've been to you and come crawling with abject apologies. Their lack of understanding of your words and feelings will be as complete as if it were written in Swahili. Write it for yourself if you choose, but don't bother sending it.

Hope you are okay. It sounds really tough. In a semi-similar I blocked someone before they tried to contact me. I’m not sure whether it was the right approach, I was just done and it said all I wanted to say really. They do send Christmas and birthday gifts to my house now (which they never really bothered to before) but I have never spoken to them since.

I'm so sorry you've got one of the rotten fathers, OP. Personally, I wouldn't contact him to share your feelings as you would still perhaps be hoping for a reaction only to inevitably be let down again. I would just let it go now. If you need a response to an invitation in future, your first line - something like you have a lot on with friends and family and are concentrating on relationships that bring you happiness - should be enough. All the best to you, OP. Honestly, in between the shit about your father, your posts have so much positivity, strength and promise for the future in them. You just don't need him fucking things up.

Wedding has been and gone now!

Do you mean you can't go because you hav
planned to take children? If it's a couples only venue like many of the Sandals resorts then you can't expect them to change their arrangements. Would it be possible to stay elsewhere and travel in for the wedding day? So have your own separate holiday but still see him marry if that's what's important to you.

Re: Your draft replies to him. I would not be vague or postpone telling him how you feel. By all means wait until he contacts you before saying anything, but then I think it is important to be honest with him and why you dont want to meet up. Good luck. It is hard to be estranged from family and about 75% of people express regret about it - but that does not have to mean they wish they had not done it, more that it is really hard and sad.

I know you want to let him have it but he may only be upset for 5 min and then get on with his life. You will not get the satisfaction you want. You will also be waiting for a reaction or reply from him after you tell him and it will hurt you again if none comes or worse he gets back saying he is sorry and will change only for the cycle to repeat again. You said you already had a conversation to clear the air and you thought it had worked only to be sucker punched again. You know there is only ever one outcome - you getting hurt.
Keep your drafts but block him on everything. I would let him stew and if he doesn't stew then you won't know one way or another.

I think your both on a hiding to nothing when you have to make an effort and more or less force a relationship

I think it will be better to let go of your expectations of a relationship and see what naturally evolves

older , wiser and hindsight he will have a different relationship with his younger son

as for gf son that will all be instigated by his gf

I think you need to let him know why. Let him know you struggled at Uni whereas his paid for someone else’s child. Why should he get away without being accountable for his actions. You’ve done more than enough to keep this going and he doesn’t deserve you. You sound like a lovely person and it’s absolutely his loss he’s missed out on a proper father and daughter relationship with you.

@BreathingDeep

I'm very aware these are first-world problems

You are wrong, my dear. These are human being problems. People from the tiniest village in a third world country to people living in mansions in major cities in wealthy countries are trying to see clearly the relationships (or lack of) with family and friends. It's been going on since people were in caves and will still be going on when we're living on Mars.

So don't minimize the trouble and pain that your relationship with your father has caused you, whether it's cost you 50p or £5000. You're seeing your way clearly now and that's what matters.

Amazing message to anyone in this situation with a parent who just doesn't put in any effort. This whole thread has opened my eyes to something close to home. I hope op can move on with her wonderful dh and children. Thank you for this!

Good on you OP.

Whilst a blocking is tempting, I would be aiming for a diplomatically put message that you were now focusing on relationships where there was genuine connection both ways, that you'd noticed over the years that he was so much closer to stepson and new family and that despite efforts on your side and the big conversation to clear the air you had, the connection still wasn't there, as was clear when you weren't a wedding guest. And wish him all the best.

Then I'd just drop the rope. No more effort made from you. And no need to feel guilt.

I just wanted to say I think you are an inspiration op and should be so proud of yourself for realising you deserve better and recognising it is a him problem, Totally not of your making.

Yes block him and move on.

You may need help and support but be aware for some people words is what they hear and they don’t look at the actions.

look at his actions - walked out dropped on and out like a Disney dad as when he wanted.

one of the most common phrases when dealing with an abuser caught out is to tell them ‘you are too emotional’ or ‘too sensitive’ or that you are being dramatic so you question yourself.

Any engagement by you is you picking a scab. It’s opening a door that needs to be firmly closed.

Block him on everything and do not respond. Do not engage. I’m so sorry as it is the worst rejection to be rejected by your parents.

But this is not you but him. Remember that.

I understand why you sent a card and present, not sure I could have acknowledged his wedding at all, but at least he can’t bad mouth you.

I have a 13 year old daughter, her father left July 2022 & has visited her once since! It breaks my heart that she Is probably feeling unloved and that he doesn’t care. But his actions don’t give much reassurance!

BUT like your situation, my DD has nothing wrong, she’s a lovely child and always has been, she’s kind and thoughtful and deserves better!! SO DO YOU…. You don’t need this man’s approval, you know you’re worth… you don’t need the approval of a man who has so fundamentally failed at being a decent father… this isn’t because you’re not worthy of his time, it’s because he’s got a huge character floor! The attention etc he gives his step son is only because it gains him favour with his wife… should they split he’d likely walk away and never I’ve another thought for this young man!…. He seems more concerned with whatever lady he’s with than he is with literally anyone else! Don’t take it personally… REMEMBER this is his floor and not yours!
Also I have to say… Why would you want this man in your children’s life? What benefit is having him to them? He sounds like a right head F£&k and I wouldn’t want him in my child’s life given the choice… and if I were you I wouldn’t even bother telling him why you want no contact but I’d just block him… like you’ve said what will be gained from giving him a piece of your mind? In the short term it might make you feel like you’ve got things off your chest, but I’ve found from experience that in the long term you just feel petty or resentful for writing what you did… in many cases I’ve wished I’ve just walked away … often the silence actually annoys them more too!!

My advice would be to block him and his now on all platforms and move on, enjoy your children and husband and look forward not backward!

You do deserve better @BreathingDeep

I think it would be totally appropriate to just block him. I’m glad you decided fuck the card and gift, that is also the correct response. I’m also glad you have a nice stepdad and are teaching your kids the self worth your dad failed to give you.

BreathingDeep I wish there was a ‘hugs’ I could click on instead of the “thanks” right now. Stand firm it may not get easier but parents like this do not deserve attention/acknowledgement of any kind. Wise words to your DD as you said listen to them yourself, I’m going to.

This is really horrible treatment of you, OP. Inviting his son’s girlfriend in place of his own daughter with a ‘couples only’ excuse was bad enough but your update about the photo of the three of them shows staggering insensitivity. You, however, have behaved with nothing but class. I don’t blame you for going NC: don’t allow him the opportunity to cause you any further hurt.

You sound very sensible @BreathingDeep It's important to protect your own well-being

If / when he gets in touch to suggest meeting up, it might be helpful to have your response ready. In your shoes, I think I'd probably fade out gradually eg "yes, maybe in the Summer" and then not suggest a date. But you should do what's right for you

A great saying I read on Mumsnet - Why cross the Atlantic for someone who wouldn't jump in a puddle for you.

What a horrible man - financing his stepson and having his own daughter work 3 jobs to get through uni.
He'll reap what he sows.

And I agree with PP who suggested preparing your response for that now so it doesn’t take up emotional energy when the time comes.