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AIBU?

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Original poster

My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

479 replies

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:47

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

OP posts:
JMSA · 30/01/2024 20:24

I'm so sorry, OP. This must feel like such a kick in the teeth.
If I knew you, I'd give you the biggest hug (and I'm an amazing hugger cos I'm fat Grin).
FlowersFlowersFlowers

StaunchMomma · 30/01/2024 20:18

Well done, OP. That really needed doing. I'm sure it was really hard to do, though.

I really hope he gives you some space now so you can focus on yourself and your own little family.

If you start to feel bad for him, try to remember you've modelled self-protection really well today. That's another great lesson you can pass on to your kids, in time.

We can't give you a Mumsnet hug but I do hope you'll be running yourself a bath, opening a box of chocs or pouring yourself a few glasses of something nice tonight. You've more than earned it.x.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2024 19:42

@BreathingDeep

I won't lie - I feel jittery and on edge. I hate confrontation of any kind and I twist myself in knots if I know I could have caused some upset. I veer from feeling empowered at sending it and proud that I did it, but then guilty in case I've caused him pain. How ridiculous is that?

Not gonna tell you what to do, but remember that you do have the option to block him. Perhaps if you knew you wouldn't be getting that phone call or text it might help you to relax and 'de-stress'. Besides, you've said your truth. What he has to say back is really irrelevant to what you know you feel.

I hate confrontation, too. And after many years I've learnt that a lot of the time it's avoidable. I don't have to let anybody 'have their say' when I've spoken my truth. My truth is valid to me and that's it. I don't need to accept theirs or even hear it.

OhwhyOY · 30/01/2024 18:47

Well done OP - for being brave and telling the truth despite the pain, but even more for raising what sound like wonderful humans. I hope you get some closure from this action, you deserve to feel valued and loved.

Newgirls · 30/01/2024 18:37

You’ve broken the pattern op. You are raising your own kids well and that is now all that matters. Im glad that he has been told but also your work here is done - leave him to digest it and get on with your life.

theconfidenceofwho · 30/01/2024 18:30

I agree @Americano75 ! Well done Op.

Americano75 · 30/01/2024 18:24

I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but I hope he is hurt by your message. He deserves it.

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 30/01/2024 17:48

Thank you all for the loveliness. Honestly, talking here feels like a soft billowy hug and it's much needed.

I won't lie - I feel jittery and on edge. I hate confrontation of any kind and I twist myself in knots if I know I could have caused some upset. I veer from feeling empowered at sending it and proud that I did it, but then guilty in case I've caused him pain. How ridiculous is that?

The first time I called him out on his behaviour - again, based on facts that he couldn't deny (you did X and Y, and I felt Z) rather than 'you hurt my feelings' - it was radio silence for a couple of years so I'm hoping that he will do the same. I've said what I needed to say, and that's enough.

Interestingly, two of my children have been glorious today - I had a message, out of the blue, from my eldest who said he wanted to let me know he thought I was awesome and thank you for all I do for him and for everyone. Then, one of my daughters just told me that the reason she was such a good friend (I'd just complimented her on how she handled a situation today) was because of the way I raised her, and rather than me being proud of her, she was proud of me. I mean, talk about reassurance and perfect timing! I know I described them as magical before, but my kids really are the best and despite the hand I was dealt with my father, I know I am so lucky.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 30/01/2024 17:37

Well done @BreathingDeep ⭐️
He doesn't deserve a daughter like you.

Inthedeep · 30/01/2024 17:28

That took a lot of guts, well done. I really hope you can start to heal now and get some closure. I’m sure you must be feeling incredibly sad but you deserve better than the few scraps he decides to throw you occasionally. 💐

Americano75 · 30/01/2024 17:17

Well done, that took a lot of guts.

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2024 17:00

I think you definitely needed to say that. He probably won't give a shit but you needed to do it.

SingingSands · 30/01/2024 16:35

Putting a virtual arm around your shoulders OP and giving you a big squeeze Flowers

PaterPower · 30/01/2024 16:33

That can’t have been at all easy, but I think it was absolutely the best thing for you to do to put a lid on the hurt he’s caused you.

JackieQueen · 30/01/2024 16:30

He needed to hear that op, good for you 💐

ChrisPPancake · 30/01/2024 16:11

Bless you @BreathingDeep, that must have been really hard to do Flowers

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 30/01/2024 15:49

So, I heard from him for the first time since the wedding. He started, as I expected, with 'long time no speak' which is his not-so-subtle dig at me not being in touch as usual. He then asked for some info. I replied with the info and nothing more, and had a terse thank you as a response.

Clearly I was in the doghouse for not making enough of a fuss about the wedding and not being in touch, so I sent the message that I'd been working on for a while.

In short, I said how I felt I had no choice but to send the message. I've had a lifetime of feeling unimportant to him, regardless of what I did, and I realised when we were excluded from the wedding and others were included that I had to draw a line now. I explained how the wedding, and the photo he sent, had made me feel and how painful it is to see him lavish support, thought and care on his wife's son when my experience has been so different. I gave examples of how I'd tried to make it better but nothing had changed so I need to focus on the people who prioritise me and protect my wellbeing.

Gulp. That's it, line drawn.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 23/01/2024 08:50

@BreathingDeep, you wrote ".....Slowly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that whatever I did, I couldn't have made it any different........"

It was never your fault. 💐

T1Dmama · 23/01/2024 07:39

Nice to have an update x glad you’re coming to terms with it all.
Men really are so selfish and it cuts us
all
deeo! My daughter is only 13… her dad left when she was 11.5 and has only bothered to see her once, in fact he didn’t see her once in 2023! it’s disgraceful….. he says he can’t afford to train or drive down (coach would be £30 return) and says he can’t just take annual
leave easily…… then shares a picture on Facebook of him with his new GF abroad somewhere!
Hopefully my daughter will grow up and just bun him off, hard though when he texts BS about missing her etc

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 22/01/2024 16:23

HappySonHappyMum thank you so much for sharing your experience, it is enormously helpful. I'm so glad you came to realise, even if it was much later and after he'd died, that this was not your failing, but completely his. For some people, I think their children are a reminder of the things they did badly or got wrong whereas their new lives, with new partners and their children, only know them as 'good', so it makes sense to keep your distance and keep the 'I'm such a great person' narrative.

Slowly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that whatever I did, I couldn't have made it any different. Having spent the past few weeks remembering in painful vivid colour all the times where I was hurt, let down, excluded and made to feel 'less than', I'm definitely more at peace with the thought of not seeing him again and not having to think about him. I know there will still be some tricky moments, it feels like the big damaging emotions are starting to settle, like shitty glitter in a snowglobe.

Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2024 17:40

@HappySonHappyMum

God, that's horrible! (The discovery at his funeral that he'd badmouthed you). I hope you and his family have made peace with each other, if that's something you want.

"Wriggly fish", that's a good way to put it!! I'd add "so shoot 'em in the barrel".

HappySonHappyMum · 19/01/2024 15:14

@AcrossthePond55 I couldn't let that feeling go while my DF was alive that he might just have that 'come to Jesus' moment and everything would be alright. In posting what I did I hope that @BreathingDeep doesn't live her life the way I did with that little seed of hope eating away at her because she feels like her situation is somehow her fault - like I did. I realise now my DF is gone it wasn't me at all, at my DF's funeral relatives who I hadn't seen for years asked me why I wasn't at my DF's wedding (I wasn't invited - I didn't even know he'd got married) and the ugly truth about the lies he'd told about me to save face with his family all came out which was really shocking. In a round about way I did get that 'not my fault' realisation through them although it's taken me a long while to get myself to believe it of him. OP - don't feed those wiggly fish - they're trapped in a barrel, leave them there.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2024 14:44

@BreathingDeep

I'm glad if my words have helped. I think that most of us have had some situation in our lives where we have truly believed that if we could just 'find the magic words' that the situation would resolve itself.

And so we talk and talk or write and write or do and do thinking that the 'Come to Jesus' moment will happen. But it never does. It's Einstein's quip on insanity "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".

The moment of realization can bring profound sadness and/or unreasonable anger. Or both. We just need to 'get', deep down, that there's nothing we can do or say to change things, and more importantly, that the situation is not our fault. It just is what it is. But after the first emotional response, realization will give us profound peace and the determination to build our own 'new' life path. You're building that path now. Remember that as with all 'road building' there will be bumps to smooth out and obstacles to toss out of your way. But you'll smooth and toss and soon your new path will be complete.

@HappySonHappyMum I'm sorry you've experienced the same thing that OP is going through and that you never got that 'not my fault' realization when your Dad was alive. I hope you find peace now that he's gone.

HappySonHappyMum · 18/01/2024 22:26

@BreathingDeep This thread has been really helpful as I recognise me in you - except you are the younger me about 17 years ago before I went NC. It hurts - and your last post talking about the 'come to Jesus' moment that @AcrossthePond55 mentions is what I always hoped for even though I was NC. It never happened. My DF caught Covid and died two years ago because he was unvaccinated. I blamed his narc wife at the time as she alienated him from his whole family - and told us she 'couldn't work his phone' to let us know he was sick in hospital before he was put on life support and never recovered. I now realise two years on that he was as much to blame, he went along with those choices, he wrote me out of his will and left all his money to her kids, he didn't contact me, he wrote letters to me telling my I'd alienated his grandchildren from him, he wasn't the same Father that he was throughout my childhood. I think two years on from his death I am finally recognising how dysfunctional he was. I just wanted to say that you will (unfortunately) feel conflicted in all sorts of ways once you go NC, sometimes you will feel like you've done the wrong thing and sometimes you will feel that you are doing the right thing. I hope it brings you peace though. My DF is dead - and now I finally feel like I'm getting there.

theconfidenceofwho · 17/01/2024 13:15

I'd be up for that kind of night @BreathingDeep Grin