My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

Honestly, some people won't ever change, and I think you've done so well and are now at a point where you can mentally set free from the drama, anguish and guilt. These people also always need to have the last word, to feel justified. I think him sharing everything with your aunt shows this.

Keep talking on here, try and see if you can see a counsellor and take deep breaths of freedom. Save what @honeybeetheoneandonly wrote just in case they get in contact again.

Hugs ! Agree with the above posters, have some counselling to talk about it.

sadly they are not going to have lightbulb moment, no one wants to admit they have been a massive dick so they won’t.

leave it a month then see how you feel. There is no hurry

be kind to yourself !

OP, you just have to give yourself time. I think, a SHORT reply along the lines of Crisette's suggestion - non emotional and matter of fact - is absolutely the most you should send back, and then block them knowing that you won't hear from them again. This will start fade away as time goes on. You are not going to change them or their opinions so don't hope for that or for other relatives to get involved. You just have to move on mentally and emotionally so that they don't matter so much to you. I agree that counselling during this time is a good idea. And I'd look for something new in life to signal a new chapter of your life - travel, pet, job, study, whatever feels right.

I haven't got any useful advice to give, but I just wanted to give you a big unmumsnetty hug. What utter bastards they are, and how lovely you must be that after all this, you still care about what these bastards think of you. You shouldn't care - they don't deserve it - but it says a very great deal about how great a person you are that you do care. Channel that care into caring for yourself, be that a day out with your lovely family, a whole tub of ice cream, looking up counselling, etc.

You’re not going to ever get the response you want. At most you’ll get an “I’m sorry that you’re upset but”. Any more correspondence will just continue and you’ll either accept him as he is or remove yourself. Her email is not and never will be facts, the email and phone call are a good thing as they are showing you who they are. Just ignore unless you can see a path forward, if you can it has to be a path where you are not a priority as he’s not going to change. This is the hard part but you are strong.

I wouldn't address it point for point. I would just email back, if you must, saying something along the lines of: "I understand why it's easier to lash out at me rather than to reflect on the truth of your behaviour towards your own daughter. Your/X response has made it very clear why it is absolutely the correct decision to step away from you now. It doesn't matter what you tell others you know everything I wrote was true. In any case, let me grief and live my life in peace now, as I will let you live yours. X BreathingDeep"

@BreathingDeep I'm so sorry your dad is such a useless father. Please remind yourself that all of that is on him. I was in the situation of the stepson and I can assure you it isn't always as cosy as it seems from the outside. In our case, we only spent time with them really because of our mum. We have always felt bad about how we were treated as opposed to their actual children, but then our mum was lovely although had bad taste in men.
Anyway you sound amazing and the people who actually know you will totally know that and any that he tries to tell different.. if they believe it they are as bad as him.

I understand the desire to respond to "put the record straight" 💐

Have you tried writing it all down, everything you want to say/respond & then ripping it up into tiny bits or burning it to ash? It's weirdly releasing (I favour the burning myself)

Take comfort in your lovely family (& if I knew you IRL I would be happy to keep listening to you, don't assume your friends won't)

I like this, or bullet points addressing every one of their bullshit accusations. Then block.

If you feel the need to respond so that you have not let the lies stand unchallenged, you could just say something like 'I don't recognise any of this and don't believe it to be true. Please don't contact me again in any way.'

You should block them both in every way possible after that, though, because they will absolutely take it as carte blanche to carry on attacking you. I think counselling sounds like a very good idea.

He had the cheek to criticise your parenting? That's a bit rich! I agree that counselling might help because you've got years of pain to unpick. Take care

I get the need to set the record straight / leave him in no doubt. But emailing him won’t change anything. For you, or him, unfortunately.

Better for your longer term mental health to try and put this behind you now. With counselling, if you think that will help you do so.

It’s a sad fact but most people want a quiet life and don’t challenge bad behaviour. Unfortunately, you’ll have to accept that people you thought were allies will not call out your dad. And may even stop speaking to you. It’s not fair but that’s how it is.

There will be no “lightbulb “ moment for your father; sending more messages will be fuel to the fire and will add to his sense of self righteousness. People like that have no self awareness or introspection, particularly when they have supporters to back up their viewpoint.

All you can do is rest easy in the knowledge that you’ve done the right thing for you. You don’t need other people’s validation for your decisions.

can you organise counselling? This is clearly troubling you, and understandably so.

he was trying to make your aunt a flying monkey.

he is meant to be the parent in all this and is acting dreadfully. He doesn’t have the emotional skills to sort this out and it won’t magically improve unless he himself gets counselling. Honestly the advice in these situations is NOT to engage further. If he emails you personally to say he is getting family therapy etc then respond but otherwise it won’t go well.

I won't be replying - I refuse to go that low.

I think this is the right decision. The lack of a response to her vitriol will enrage them even more.

Please don't be taken in by any token gestures he may make in the future such as a birthday acknowledgement.

Any gesture he makes will be rooted entirely in absolving his guilt by getting a positive response from you, however brief.

Please also tell your children about this so he doesn't try to use them as a proxy for you.

You clearly hit a nerve there @BreathingDeep

think about it though, no reply would be worse, you’d second guess it forever and wonder if you got it wrong somehow, there would never be closure.

youve said what you needed to say, you thought long and hard and carefully about it, you were honest with yourself and with your dad.

you don’t need to send a reply, there’s literally no point. If you wanted to really irk her you could send a 👍🏼 and be done, close your door with a click.

You’re done, your out.

counselling could really help you if you can access it? It really helped me come to terms with my family fall out.

i remember when my sister (guilty of pulling off some ice cold stunts to hurt me in the past) emailed me to guilt me into something. I struggled a lot with that email, but then reminded myself that to expect her to be anything other than hurtful was unrealistic and to turn the page and try to put it behind me. I was in therapy at the time and it helped to talk it through

When people react so defensively, without trying to see or consider your point of view or empathize with you at all, that kind of tells you everything you need to know about them and basically proves that you were right to have distanced yourself for your own self-preservation. That's how I would see her response - her showing you who she is and who he is, because either he allowed her to send her response or he was aware that she had sent it and didn't reach out to correct her 'wrongs.' Either way, it just re-confirms everything you thoughtfully wrote to him about how you experience him as a father. Move on and enjoy the lovely family that you have created.

This makes so much sense.

When I tried (but failed) to get through to my mother, she said some things that were so defensive and so unjust that I felt the pain of that knife TWISTING but ............. it helped crumble my denial. It was better than carrying around denial for another few decades. Although boy she has hurt me.

The irony of his relationship with her son being 'none of your business' when here she is sticking her huge beak into your relationship with your Dad is pretty staggering! She sounds delightful!

Good point @StaunchMomma

Christ, what a bitch BUT I have to say I'm not surprised.

I think I'd have to send one more message, OP. One that made it very clear your Dad has always been shit, that you see the projection for exactly what it is and that your only regret is trying to forge a relationship with him for so long. I'd then tell her to never contact you or your family members again and block the lot of them.

The irony of his relationship with her son being 'none of your business' when here she is sticking her huge beak into your relationship with your Dad is pretty staggering! She sounds delightful!

In a way, it's good that this has happened. A part of you would always have been waiting for something to happen. Now it's really over.

Block them both now, and either delete or archive any WhatsApp chats. I went NC with my mother after one spectacularly unpleasant message that was the last straw. To save me the anxiety of receiving messages, or wondering if she was going to message me, I blocked her. Out of sight, out of mind. I feel so much more better mentally for it.

All he's doing is showing that underneath all the tearful "I'm sorry I'm been shit" conversations, he hasn't really changed. And, most importantly, he has no interest in changing.

I'm afraid I don't have any wise advice, but here's lots of sympathy.

I know what your trying to say - but a good person would have had a ceremony that included all his loved ones. And gone on holiday after. He had choices. And he made choices that hurt people.

Some very wise posts here. Sounds like new wife is very uncomfortable with this view of her husband and it’s easier to lash out at you than face that he isn’t the perfect dad figure she wants to believe.