Page 2 | My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

BreathingDeep · 2023-06-13T16:47:07+00:00

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way. He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times. We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer. Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us. DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go. It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them. I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy. AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like? Or, AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

RandomMess · 19/03/2024 18:09

It will pass and you will move on and leave it behind.

Americano75 · 19/03/2024 17:39

Congratulations @BreathingDeep , you're free.

Original poster

BreathingDeep · 19/03/2024 17:24

I gave it a couple of weeks and then replied. So much of what he (and she) had said was wrong and I felt the need to defend the point I'd made. I also apologised for causing hurt, but reiterated that this wasn't about me lashing out to upset him, nor was it about money, but it was about drawing a line that was causing me pain. It was calm and conciliatory although I did say that I didn't feel it was appropriate that she had replied when I'd messaged him and I was still processing her email.

Mistake.

As you all rightly suggested, replying simply gave him more ammunition to come at me with. He was angrier this time, mainly I think because I had the audacity to criticise his wife. He defended her message, saying it was only right I heard some home truths. He also said that he saw that it was ALL about money and if anyone had had lack of care shown to them, it was him.

He doubled down on the 'you have no idea how much you've hurt me' message. He referenced the first time I ever called him out on shitty behaviour (which was almost 30 years ago) which led to us not speaking for a couple of years. Interestingly, despite previously apologising for it, he's now rewritten history and made it another example of how unreasonable and hurtful I am towards him.

While it's hurtful to read, it's also helping enormously to be able to close the door and move on. He is proving to be every bit the narcissist I believed him to be - there isn't a single moment of reflection and 'I'm so sorry this/we could have made you feel this way'. Instead it's all about proving the different ways I'm wrong or have behaved badly and caused him hurt. He's said that he's clearly not the dad I'd hoped for and went on to reference 'his grandkids' and how I'm keeping them away from him.

This has all proved that I was right to step away, but my God, it's been painful. He has caused such deep-rooted problems all of my life - I've grown up always feeling less than, or not good enough. He's made me feel small and unimportant, or made me the butt of the joke, and he shows no empathy, understanding or support when times are tough - for me, my husband, my children. I'm now learning that this is not love. Love isn't conditional. Love isn't one sided. Love doesn't make you feel invisible.

So I'm done. I feel horrendous that I've caused this upset, of course, especially to a 75 year old man, but I also feel liberated that I've said 'enough' and followed through.

OP posts:

DuploTrain · 05/03/2024 07:59

I think you’ve done the right thing OP. If you’d stayed silent you would have always been tempted to get in touch again or given him another chance to change. I know it’s painful now but hopefully it will give you evidence that you made the right decision and the relationship cannot be improved.

I also think that you’re so used to being treated badly by him that you’re overlooking the fact that him sharing such a personal message with other people is a huge betrayal of your trust. And that alone would be hugely damaging in a normal relationship

CameltoeParkerBowles · 05/03/2024 07:41

T1Dmama · 28/02/2024 09:17

This!

personally @BreathingDeep I think you need to block them both and move forward. He doesn’t even have the decency to apologise, his wife sent you a vile message which he thinks is ok, he’s slagged you off to everyone he possibly can and shared your and her message… I think it’s time to block them both and when ever your mind drifts to thinking about them get up and distract yourself, or put on some calming music and do some breathing exercises…. Anything to stop yourself from giving them a moments more head space!

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This, as so many others have said. What do you get out of the relationship, other than sadness and stress? He's a useless father, and you do at least have a lovely stepfather. Concentrate on the people with whom you can have a decent relationship instead.

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 28/02/2024 21:59

You sound lovely OP

Sending you strength and love

Isthisit22 · 28/02/2024 21:44

Hotgirlwinter · 27/02/2024 19:10

I would reply simply along the lines of

“I don’t expect you to accept any of your failures as a father or acknowledge the lack of care you have demonstrated at times throughout my life, you never have and I know you never will. My message was never intended to cause harm or pain, it was and remains a truthful account of our relationship. I wish you and new wife all the best, there is no need to reply to this email as I won’t be responding or getting into debate about this again. Take care”

you did the right thing OP, they of course are deflecting but you can cut this off now. They are trying to bully you into saying you are wrong, but it matters not. You said your piece, they don’t agree. No surprise. Draw a line now and refuse to engage any further

Send this and then block.
You have been nothing but dignified and they don’t deserve you in their lives.

ollypollymolly · 28/02/2024 21:32

Hugs xxxxxxxxx

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2024 17:46

@BreathingDeep

Honestly, it's time to block him. I mean, you could separate his response and reply line by line, too. But what will be the point? You don't want to start a 'back and forth' that you will never win. That man will never see nor acknowledge the way he's treated you, and he has his wife backing him up every step of the way.

I'll say it again, you know your truth. Your feelings are your feelings, and you have a right to them. The ONLY reply I'd make would be 'I refuse to engage with you on this. I am blocking you. Further contact on your part will be reported as harassment'.

Let it go, love. Time to let it go. Look at your wonderful family, acknowledge where your true life and your true love lies. Let go of the 'false' love he's tried to foist on you with his half-arsed gestures and his self-service falsehoods.

Just let it go.

rainbowstardrops · 28/02/2024 14:57

I think you did the right thing telling him how you've felt all these years. You've put your cards on the table and so now, with their responses, you can draw a line and move on.
You did the right thing.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 13:41

@BreathingDeep

What @Hotgirlwinter said upthread.

Do that.

Newgirls · 28/02/2024 13:33

The right response from him should have been:

im so sorry this has come between us. I love you and would love us to get on. I apologise for causing you upset. How can i improve matters? Your dad.

everything else is self justification and denial. Until you get that op id stay well away

toomuchfaff · 28/02/2024 10:57

Theatrefan12 · 28/02/2024 10:54

We are way past this. The wedding has been and gone a long time ago and the issues have now moved on

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ah sorry - just noticed 17 pages of comments.... my bad

Theatrefan12 · 28/02/2024 10:54

toomuchfaff · 28/02/2024 10:18

This - i'd need to clarify this!

Are you being told "ah its couples only and as you have kids you probably cant go because you cant get childcare and leave the kids"
OR
"I'm paying for the brides son and his GF to go but you're not welcome to go even if you paid for yourself"

After that clarification i'd know more and make the decision to match his energy; i.e i'd be deprioritising him (blood relatives) in favour of strangers (think brides sons gf)

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We are way past this. The wedding has been and gone a long time ago and the issues have now moved on

Theatrefan12 · 28/02/2024 10:53

This needs a “recollections may vary” type of response but the one above is perfect

Remember he is not only deflecting because deep down he knows he failed you but he will also have his wife in his ear goading him on. Take the high road and close it down and focus on the positive aspects of your life

Unfortunately we cannot choose family but we can choose what sort of relationship we want with them

toomuchfaff · 28/02/2024 10:18

BellaJuno · 13/06/2023 18:05

Are you not invited full stop or are you invited if you don’t take your children - that’s two entirely separate things?

This - i'd need to clarify this!

Are you being told "ah its couples only and as you have kids you probably cant go because you cant get childcare and leave the kids"
OR
"I'm paying for the brides son and his GF to go but you're not welcome to go even if you paid for yourself"

After that clarification i'd know more and make the decision to match his energy; i.e i'd be deprioritising him (blood relatives) in favour of strangers (think brides sons gf)

LadyEloise1 · 28/02/2024 09:49

I'd be done with the pair of them.
You're right, they're wrong
And block.
Forever.
He's made his choice. Fool.
Concentrate on your own lovely family and friends. They are enough.

T1Dmama · 28/02/2024 09:17

Americano75 · 27/02/2024 18:06

I still think you absolutely did the right thing. And it was always almost a certainty that he would respond the way he did. Fuck him. Fuck them both.

I'm just going to say it again, you should be proud of yourself, and he does not deserve you.

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This!

personally @BreathingDeep I think you need to block them both and move forward. He doesn’t even have the decency to apologise, his wife sent you a vile message which he thinks is ok, he’s slagged you off to everyone he possibly can and shared your and her message… I think it’s time to block them both and when ever your mind drifts to thinking about them get up and distract yourself, or put on some calming music and do some breathing exercises…. Anything to stop yourself from giving them a moments more head space!

theconfidenceofwho · 27/02/2024 22:36

Hotgirlwinter · 27/02/2024 19:10

I would reply simply along the lines of

“I don’t expect you to accept any of your failures as a father or acknowledge the lack of care you have demonstrated at times throughout my life, you never have and I know you never will. My message was never intended to cause harm or pain, it was and remains a truthful account of our relationship. I wish you and new wife all the best, there is no need to reply to this email as I won’t be responding or getting into debate about this again. Take care”

you did the right thing OP, they of course are deflecting but you can cut this off now. They are trying to bully you into saying you are wrong, but it matters not. You said your piece, they don’t agree. No surprise. Draw a line now and refuse to engage any further

Either block altogether or go with this response.

Wishing you strength & peace Op - it's his loss.

OhwhyOY · 27/02/2024 21:03

He's trying to make himself feel better. Don't rise to it. Perhaps consider blocking them. If you do reply I would just reply simply to say that if he can't recognise the problem there's nothing further to discuss. Or 'recollections may vary'.

DuchyCazalet · 27/02/2024 21:00

I was in a similar situation albeit with a friend. My regret is that I didn’t get a chance to tell them everything they’d done to hurt me. It was only ever their narrative.
They are never going to be wrong but at least you got to have your say and make your point, rather than regretting never getting the opportunity.

Trickabrick · 27/02/2024 20:58

I do think you did the right thing OP, you have confronted this head on and whilst it’s obviously unbelievably painful for you, this is the start of your healing and acceptance which should bring you peace.

It’s sad that you’ve had to face all of this but honestly, I think you’ll eventually be glad you said your piece and then kept silent because you were never going to get agreement from them that your view is valid.

Boulshired · 27/02/2024 20:46

It is easier to absolve yourself from blame than to accept responsibility especially as he has a sounding board that is his new wife. He has his narrative and at most he’ll probably want a compromise. Contact now is for you to decide if you can accept him including being emboldened by his wife, as he is or is life better without the pair of them. As that is what they are, she has inserted herself and will continue to double team. Nothing can come of continuing correspondence by letter as it’s being used against you.

Hotgirlwinter · 27/02/2024 19:10

I would reply simply along the lines of

“I don’t expect you to accept any of your failures as a father or acknowledge the lack of care you have demonstrated at times throughout my life, you never have and I know you never will. My message was never intended to cause harm or pain, it was and remains a truthful account of our relationship. I wish you and new wife all the best, there is no need to reply to this email as I won’t be responding or getting into debate about this again. Take care”

you did the right thing OP, they of course are deflecting but you can cut this off now. They are trying to bully you into saying you are wrong, but it matters not. You said your piece, they don’t agree. No surprise. Draw a line now and refuse to engage any further

honeybeetheoneandonly · 27/02/2024 18:39

It's fine. Put it out of your mind. You said what was on your mind and he has now said what was on his. He will not come round to your thinking but you knew that. Draw the line now. Go no contact. Block and move on with your life. It's time.