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AIBU?

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Original poster

My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

479 replies

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:47

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

OP posts:
JellyBelly50 · 14/06/2023 09:18

I had an ex boyfriend that’s father was in and out of his life yet became the most amazing dad to his new step kids. It was really hard for ex boyfriend to watch him be everything he wanted his dad to be, to other children of his new wife. Although he was invited to the wedding his dad actually made his new step kids groomsmen and not ex boyfriend.

I am going to be really honest and say I really don’t see your dad changing. He has always been a naff dad to you (sorry) and despite you sharing your feelings nothing is changing. I agree in telling him you’re hurt you’re not invited to wedding, but if he does then decide to invite you - would you actually want to go now knowing you was an after thought?

I do have to agree with others and say, maybe you are best off stepping back and sadly not expecting any more from him. He has shown his true colours and I imagine you could speak to death your feelings but he just won’t become the dad you long for x you deserve better and maybe letting go a bit might help in the long run xx

Lacucuracha · 14/06/2023 09:14

It would t surprise me if the story about it being a holiday turned into a wedding is a lie.

Most likely they always planned it as a wedding.

Theblacksheepandme · 14/06/2023 09:10

JudgeRudy · 13/06/2023 21:35

I can see this would be a bit disappointing but I don't think they deliberately didn't invite you. I mean the holiday was never intended to be a wedding was it. Sounds like your Dad's siblings, parents etc aren't going either, or your 'step mums'. I've no idea where they're going but let's say it's a something like a Sandals resort....its really not geared up for children.
As for paying for SMs child...has this person been a big part of your dads life ie is he closer to them because he's lived with them? It's disappointing but you can't change the past. You might become very close one day but you won't have a traditional father-daughter relationship.

I am shocked that you actually think that this would be just a little disappointing. You clearly think in the same mindset as OP's Father.

ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 08:57

They will come running when old age catches up and they need care.

Boulshired · 14/06/2023 08:48

They went out of their way to include her son but decided (as it is a choice) to have a wedding unsuitable for his daughter. I can guarantee if the son had children the wedding would be suitable because she is invested in her child when the OPs father is not invested in her.

Aprilx · 14/06/2023 08:38

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:52

Thanks all, I'm glad it's just not just me. I've spent my whole life being told I'm too sensitive so I second guess myself.

Anybody would be “sensitive“ about that. Your dad is an arse.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 14/06/2023 08:35

What a horrible and nasty thing to have done to you. You have my empathy, I am being excluded from my siblings wedding next month when all of my other family are invited. It is a horrible feeling. You poor thing you do not deserve to be treated this way.

canfor · 14/06/2023 07:46

You're not being too sensitive. It's pretty normal to want your nearest and dearest to be at your wedding. When you talked about coming he could have said, "I know, if you stay nearby and can get childcare could that work for you" and he could offer to pay toward your costs - but you got a brush off instead.

I agree with others that you should drop the rope. Put in the effort that you are getting out to protect yourself.

Bananarepublic · 14/06/2023 07:11

JudgeRudy · 13/06/2023 21:35

I can see this would be a bit disappointing but I don't think they deliberately didn't invite you. I mean the holiday was never intended to be a wedding was it. Sounds like your Dad's siblings, parents etc aren't going either, or your 'step mums'. I've no idea where they're going but let's say it's a something like a Sandals resort....its really not geared up for children.
As for paying for SMs child...has this person been a big part of your dads life ie is he closer to them because he's lived with them? It's disappointing but you can't change the past. You might become very close one day but you won't have a traditional father-daughter relationship.

Disappointing is not being able to go to a social event because you get ill at the last minute. Acknowledging you have a parent that just doesn't care about you is painful and extremely hurtful, not disappointing. I can't understand your attitude. Do you have parents? Do they just ignore you too?

Baffling.

Bananarepublic · 14/06/2023 07:03

ripplingwater · 13/06/2023 21:00

Ah, the old "you're too sensitive" line. Trotted out by those who dont want to admit they've treated people like the dirt off their shoe and so shift blame to the other person instead. Classic manipulation technique.

You are NOT being too sensitive- you want a relationship with your dad, I mean, goodness, thats not an outrageous thing to ask at all. As PP have said, you arent too sensitive, you just have a shit, deadbeat dad and you deserve better.

Your dad could learn a lot from being more like you. Cut him out like a malignant tumour, he brings nothing to your life except disappointment, distress and pain.

My guess is, as soon as this relationship breaks down and/or he gets old and frail, he'll suddenly expect you to conveniently resume the daughter role because thats when it suits him. Its just pure selfishness. He's an arsehole.

This is so true. My dad wasn't a good dad (they weren't separated, they were just terrible parents and totally self absorbed). They would have pulled this kind of shit about inviting everyone but me and my family. But as soon as both of them got ill, they wanted/expected me to step up and help out.

oakleaffy · 14/06/2023 00:23

xXiXx · 13/06/2023 22:06

you're not too sensitive. That's a predictable normal reaction. Brew
I agree with the poster who says he wants an easy life. An easy life right now means revolving all decisions around his new wife. Doing the right thing is not his ''north star''. If he doesn't know you well, it's cos his God is the Easy Life.

It's not you.

Yes, this. ⬆️

@BreathingDeep Situations like this cause untold hurt.

Many men are weak in the face of a naggy new woman, they hurt their innocent daughters and sons in the process.

oakleaffy · 14/06/2023 00:20

@BreathingDeep That's absolutely cruel and unacceptable.
I'm really sorry your dad is so utterly WEAK and UNFAIR in the face of the new woman.

No wonder you feel so hurt.

DO tell him how you feel.

Lacucuracha · 13/06/2023 22:49

I wouldn’t be going out of my way for him anymore.

Don’t let him feel like a good dad by making the effort anymore.

goldenlocks · 13/06/2023 22:45

Just stop the relationship with him. He is an asshat. I am not sure why PPs are bending over backwards to find ways to defend him.

N1a2m3echange · 13/06/2023 22:43

He really is the shittest dad. What an absolute arsehole. Value and nurture yourself OP. Don't devalue yourself by accepting anymore of this treatment as 'normal'.

BTW my dad is crap too so coming from a place of understanding.

xXiXx · 13/06/2023 22:06

you're not too sensitive. That's a predictable normal reaction. Brew
I agree with the poster who says he wants an easy life. An easy life right now means revolving all decisions around his new wife. Doing the right thing is not his ''north star''. If he doesn't know you well, it's cos his God is the Easy Life.

It's not you.

Backtoblack1 · 13/06/2023 22:06

He’s a weak man to allow this

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/06/2023 22:03

I am guessing that he is the one who told you that you are too sensitive. I would guess that his soon to be wife is the one who makes the arrangements and so favours her own child. He needs a kick up the damn arse about it all. I am so sorry, I would guess he loves you as much as he is able, but there is something missing in the way he understands love.

Exasperatednow · 13/06/2023 21:54

I'm so sorry this has happened.

I think you need to tell him how you feel and at the same time realise he's never going to be a 'dsd' to you. It's rubbish but you've gotvto adjust your expectations so ge can't disappoint you

Booklover40 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Oh just cut the knobhead out of your life for good. What does he actually bring to your life? Anything?

Some of these stories of pp’s not being invited to their dads weddings or made to feel unwelcome are just atrocious - I cannot imagine what a shitty human being someone must be to treat their own child that way. I wouldn’t have anything to do with the lot of them ever again.

BadNomad · 13/06/2023 21:38

That's so hurtful. This man has never had the role of "father" in your life, just the title. And he has shown you repeatedly that you are "daughter" in name only to him. It's time to put him in his real place in your life. He should be seen as nothing more than a distant relative you send a card to at Christmas.

JudgeRudy · 13/06/2023 21:35

I can see this would be a bit disappointing but I don't think they deliberately didn't invite you. I mean the holiday was never intended to be a wedding was it. Sounds like your Dad's siblings, parents etc aren't going either, or your 'step mums'. I've no idea where they're going but let's say it's a something like a Sandals resort....its really not geared up for children.
As for paying for SMs child...has this person been a big part of your dads life ie is he closer to them because he's lived with them? It's disappointing but you can't change the past. You might become very close one day but you won't have a traditional father-daughter relationship.

SoShallINever · 13/06/2023 21:28

I admire your control, I would have told him to fuck off.

NextTimeItsOver · 13/06/2023 21:20

That's really shitty behaviour of him. Are you going to tell him? If you do you might have to spell it out to him.

Plantymcplantface · 13/06/2023 21:19

Lower your expectations of this man. Perhaps call him by his first name. Not Dad. That title has to be earned to be true. Perhaps the time is right to give more thought around why you don’t feel you deserve better. Perhaps you were brought up to people please, and put others on a pedestal at the expense of your own well-being? Perhaps the time is right now to draw some boundaries.

Spend that holiday money on something you and your immediate family want to do. Make it fabulous. Send a card for the wedding, wave and smile and wish them well.

Most importantly, realise what this man is, and always has been. See the reality and the truth. Grieve for a while for what you thought you had. Then let it go.

Create room in your life for people that treat you with respect and kindness and make you feel valued. Space for being accepted for being you. The adult you that recognises that that little girl deserved far better. Do that for her.

Good luck, OP. 💐