Exhausted feeding my family

You chose to work for some financial independence? What t does beg the question whether you had free rein over the household money before that or you were forced out to work to have ass was to some funds?

Theres obviously a cultural mismatch here between what might be considered normal in Pakistan and what is considered normal in the U.K. Yes there are lots of Pakistani families in the UK where the wives dedicate themselves to cooking, cleaning and raising children and consider it their duty. Many of those women would have been raised in households themselves where the women and girls catered for the men and that was completely standard.

However for women like me there’s no way in hell I would be providing home cooked food across the day alongside hand crafted drinks and working. Honestly FTS. So if you want to do it I wish you well. But please don’t force your two year old into early servitude as she grows. She deserves better than that.

And no you don't "choose"
To work anymore than your husband choses to work

If he wants a full time housekeeper and cook he can take the role and gender roles can be stuffed up his backside in the process

gosh, sounds like my household. I'm pretty 'fussy' too with what I eat so that compounds the issue. The fruit salad, the veg salad, all need to be there along with 3 cooked meals. And I just can't have batch-cooked food. My family helps somewhat, but DD has decided to go Vegan, DS has wheat and nut allergies. DH basically has what ever given. And I'm a stickler for nothing processed, all made from scratch so much so that we don't even use tomato sauce. And I work full time. So its all quite busy and I'm exhausted. didn't realise others don't do the same.

@WestHamAreMassive I love this. I cook a lot of tioli!

Maybe you need a compromise? So your son has a little snack after school and you all eat at 6pm. Your DH can adjust his schedule so that he’s hungry…it can’t be that difficult!

if it was to be totally fair, you’d share cooking for five days a week and you cook on the two days you’re not working. Or you could do all the cleaning and share the cooking equally. Your DH can get his own drinks! I wonder if he’d actually drink his faffy drink if he had to make it himself…..?

I think (many) women go too far in trying to be fair and men take advantage. Yes you choose to work but there’s good reason for that….why shouldn’t you have some financial security?

With regards to your son, he can get his own drinks and snacks but it’s not normal for a ten year old to be cooking an omelette and soup. I’m not saying it’s wrong and not a good thing (it is!) but you’re obviously trying to work out what is fair and what most families do.

I’m someone who does too much for my DS although he’s perfectly capable of looking after himself. There’s nothing wrong with doing some things for him and wanting to look after him in that way although as he gets older he should start being more independent. Why not slice some lemon and leave it in the fridge for him?

I find that most of my friends here in Stepford look after our families this way.
You will remember to change into something that he thinks is nice when you sit down to the meal won't you.
A spray of home grown flowers on the table will complete the picture I think.
I am certainly on your side OP.

Jesus fucking Christ.
you clearly couldn’t cope with our rules, so here’s a modified version for you to adopt. print it out
Core principles

1. I’m your mum/wife, not your slave
2. you are all functioning human beings with two hands, two legs and a decent brain
3. part of a parents role is bringing up capable children

1. Everyone makes your own breakfast. You could add: If you are 10 or over you may make cooked breakfasts if you have practiced wiht a parent on the weekend and been told you’re ok.
2. Everyone clears up your own breakfast. If you’re old enough to cook your own you are old enough to wash the pan
3. everyone makes their own tea
4. mum doesn’t cook lunch. Everyone makes their own lunch and we make family lunch on the weekend with everyone helping.
5. mum cooks O.N.E meal per night. I’ve done a roster that rotates between all of us and on the night with your name on it I’ll cook something you like, the people who don’t like that can eat it or make their own food. If you are going to be out you can swap roster nights with someone as long as you give me enough notice.
6. after school snacks can be x y and z. These will tide you over till 7pm dinner.
7. dinner is at 7pm

my 7yo makes his own cereal and often does the 4yos. If he asked for a cooked breakfast we’d laugh our heads off. I have to get to work!! We cook one meal per night and tough luck for anyone who doesn’t like it, the kids generally adapt eventually. Dh obviously is expected to cook as much as I do and the kids help prep the meal, clear their bowl etc.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Please, please, please do not raise your son to think that only girls need to help at home.

Living in the UK at least, he will never get anyone to live with/marry him, british people (including many/most from indian and Pakistani heritage) do not value lazy feckers who expect to be waited on and hand and foot so he'll either starve or you'll be stuck waiting on him forever.

@arethereanyleftatall agree.

Even if cultural was YOUR basis of choice for creating this for husband , I cannot fathom why you would willingly and knowingly wish to raise a child this way.

You will be the poster MIL someone is moaning about in years to come.

What about your culture...
I am in mixed culture marriage and I would in no way tolerate doing things just by his cultural dictates. Nor would he tolerate home being just my culture. We are married and both our cultures are important (plus the different one we live in).
Plus you live on your home turf so yours should be bit stronger by default anyway.

Bloody hell, your DS is very spoilt, and it sounds like he could be picking that attitude up from your DH.

You need to stop doing all this unless you want your DS to grow up to be a nightmare and quite likely a misogynist.

Just thinking about a 10 year old demanding that they must have ice and lemon in every glass of water is pissing me off.

Why can't you say no?

Eg. Son wants an omelette for breakfast. He is a child, he doesn't buy the food or cook it, you do. Just because he wants it doesn't mean he gets it. Just say no, thats too much work mon-fri you can have that on saturday.

Husband: i want x cuisine
You: ok, if you give me a list I can pick up ingredients next time im at the supermarket so you can cook it.

brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

🙄 indeed, OP. And you take it from his hand and refill it, do you?

Oh no this has been taken out of context.
I mean in the cultural thinking. Not mine.

So why are you, a woman, making glasses of water for a 10 year old boy (and teaching him that cooking and cleaning are exclusively women's work, even if the woman works outside the home too) instead of making it clear that it isn't a woman's job to serve men?

WOW just WOW, your eldest son aged 10, has a cooked breakfast (omelette) a cooked lunch at school and a cooked meal when he gets in from school as well as fruit and salad in between.
Thats an awful lot of food, your food bill must be huge.
Son has had 2 cooked meals, agree omelette is better than cereal, but porridge every other day is just as good with fruit.
You can chop up lemons put in a sip lock bag in the freezer, son can get his own water and add lemon slices as his ice cubes himself.
When he comes in from school it would be beans on toast or a sandwich, followed by a yogurt and some fruit which can easily be prepared by him at aged 10, followed by him loading up the dishwasher, or washing up, if he was a girl would she be helping you at aged 10?

You did not say which of the food types your eating, do you eat the very spicy food husband has, do you eat at the same time as husband or with child?
Your husband can get his own drinks, and make you one at the same time, your not his slave.
Yours and husbands main meal at 7pm, think id be batch cooking putting into portions sizes, and freezing, (it was your son that does not like frozen mash, so presume husband ok with frozen foods, )that way pull out put in the oven.

Batch cooking for all, could be done at weekends with all helping out, even if its the 10 year old watching and playing with the 2 year old while you and husband chop cook freeze.

why can't your husband cook? is he always lazy?

@winterrrain

why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning for your husband and son OP? Can you answer that?

If your DH is working from home he can make an omelette for him and your DS in the morning.

Your Dh can do half the cooking so he can sort your and his dinner out and you can sort the kids.

I assume they can manage to cut some fruit between them? I make DH a cuppa if I’m having one and vice versa

I’m Indian, I don’t cook breakfast for my DH, he does DD’s breakfast on weekends. I’m a SAHM mum so I guess I could but tbh I’m busy sorting the 3yr old, don’t have time to pander to a grown man and tbf to DH he’s never expected me to. Culture here is an excuse for being a lazy sod. If DH insisted on eating only one cuisine he would also be cooking it.

You really don’t have to do all this. It would make me utterly miserable.

My 4yo can get her own glasses of water.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Say whaaaaat?!
Okay folks, give up on this one, she's a lost cause.

Trying a different tack...

You are a disgrace op.

Not for making your own one life utterly shit and miserable, that's your choice.

But for teaching two young boys that a women's role is to serve men.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help

WTF have I just read?! Don’t you dare let the men off the hook like that. You have a DH who can help. You have a son who can help.

Do they really think it’s acceptable thats you refill your ten year olds water glass? Honestly that is disgusting!

I work FT so domestic labour is split between me and DH. But even amongst my friends, who are now SAHMs to DC in their teens/away at uni/boarding school, who have DHs who are running billion £ companies none of them act like this.

Cultural expectations are not an excuse. My husband was raised in a similar way. Guess what? That's not how we live and never have for 35 years. Our adult son can cook and managed fine at university. So no excuse to perpetuate this.