Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Its interesting to read these different dynamics.

I get on with my ex despite our horrible past - he was abusive. He has a long term partner. Im glad she is good to the children when they are all together but i have never met her or his previous ex. With his previous ex, i was a stepmother to his children so they stayed here regularly, i was good to them etc but i never pretended to be anything more than dad's partner. We still get on well now.

With my ex's current gf of several years, they have no children so no need for me to meet her or for her to ever come to my home. I cant ever imagine us one big happy family dynamic so i would definitely be setting boundaries like the OP has said.

My friends and family always say how great it works for myself and my ex because everyone we know has a more contentious relationship. But i think OP is right, the ex is overstepping.

Also, as a step mother you do actually have real duties to your step children. You did them a great disservice by making their mother go from having a friendly cuppa and fuss of your kids ( their siblings !) to being banished outside…

I would imagine your partner must be pretty disappointed that you went from a healthy co parenting situation to this mess borne by insecurity / being bored of playing along as a willing step mum now you had your ‘real kids’.

I wonder if to you she feels like a threat to your relationship with your children? I can understand you feeling that way based on what you have described but unless she’s a bad influence on your kids in some way, if you can ride it out you will see that nothing will compare with your relationship with your kids, and to have more people who think your kids are great, and make them feel loved, is only a good thing.

If she’s fairly decent, may be have a chat with her, to find a way that works for all of you. Might take a while now as you’re both feeling bruised but you’ll know each other for a v long time so worth persisting?

I think you’re being very unreasonable and short sighted. This woman will never really be gone from your life. She is the mother of your partner’s children. There will always be contact, whether it be weddings, family events etc, even when those children are adults. It sounds like you stepped into what was fairly friendly and amicable (after post split animosity) and have turned it on its head. I’m not surprised you feel like the bad one. You should be glad that she’s nice to your child. Would you rather she was resentful and nasty towards it. Speaking from experience being friendly with her will make your life a lot easier in the long run. Is it really such a big deal to let her in the house and make her a brew when the children are dropped off, and let her have a cuddle with your child. You are making a rod for your back that will impact things long term.

I’m so confused why you don’t like her giving your kids a kiss and a cuddle? I actually think that’s nice and healthier for your partner’s other children…

You sound jealous and don’t understand why, as a jealous person, you would enter into a relationship with a man who already has kids.. you must have known you would need to have his ex somewhat present for the sake of his kids..
much healthier to get on and not make her drop off her kids like a postie..

I know! Who would actually tolerate this in real life?😂

So long as it was appropriate. Yeah, I'd have been over the moon that someone else gave a shit of some kind about my children.
I'm assured step parenting can be a minefield, but this seems like cutting off your nose.

dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house

All the people pretending that they'd be ok with this 😂. Yeah right, of course you would. Why on earth does she have a key to your house?

Honestly... absolutely NOT being unreasonable at all! I'm in a similar situation, and some of my friends are too.. seems to be the norm now. And there is NO way i would allow my partners Ex to come into my house and be so pushy/ forceful. She is far too familiar! I'd be telling her straight, why confuse kids. No harm in drop offs, and communication, there is no need to be nasty with each other, but there is also boundaries! Why should she have what she wants, and you have to lump it? you take care of her children!

Some people have that set up and its all good from all parties, but you arent happy with that ( neither would i ) and thats OK too... not everything works for everyone. so continue your stance!

She has no reason to compare her kids ( who DO seem very lucky to have you ) with your child?! It makes sense though if her relationship is rocky...and you and your partner are happy.

One thing I suggest is that you ensure it does not affect your relationship with your partner, over her. Boundaries are normal! and its NOT worth it.

I cannot stand when people suggest you are jealous... being a step parent is the most selfless act ever. Of course you wish to be a whole unit, but that's not the norm nowadays. its 2023... blended families rock.

I would speak to your partner and explain your upset, and that its not the children you have a problem with... its the parent! something that a lot get confused with.

Enjoy your time with your children, and enjoy your time with your step children. together and separate, time with them and showing them you include them and they are heard are all they want. 😍

Yes!

I mean reading the whole thread will show you that there been many an opinion given, mostly given in a very normal way. There’s a few skirting the line.

It’s not an attack to give an opinion that you might not agree with. You seem to think that it is however?

And frankly your attacks on people are really beyond the pale, you really do need to rein it in. Most of the people you’ve spewed vitriol to aren’t actually ‘bitter first wives’ they’ve come back and said actually they’re step-parents themselves. You’re being the height of miserable, poisonous and counterproductive yourself.

I would pay good money to hear the other side of this story.

you live with her kids half the week but she’s not allowed in your ( her kids 2nd home ) because you don’t want her to see your child ( her children’s) sibling. I think that’s being verY unreasonable especially as it was fine for you all tho mix previously. It’s not fair on the children or their mum and dad.

Yep - this absolutely.

OP - I had similar. DH's ex decided it was appropriate for my DD to go and spend time with her and her husband and my step kids. Sunday dinner etc. To be 'equal'. We had years of verbal abuse about DD's existence, messing with contact, etc and then it switched to 'we have to be one happy family'.

It's exhausting. Keep your boundaries, be a good step mum and do your best to ignore the fuss she makes. Its hard, but if you give in she'll be running rings around you otherwise. To DH's family if they repeated anything I ended up saying 'that's shame she feel that way', but didn't engage further. In the end, it settled down (although my stress levels go wild if I have to see her at a family event as I know there will be an approach and new plan for me to deal with).

But this happened after OP banned her from the house, completely took apart the friendly coparenting relationship that otherwise existed and everyone seemed happy with. All because OP thought the ex was going to come for her husband and child. Of course the ex is going to be angry.

There was no abuse before, which you said was what justified the boundaries?

Equally, he moved on and now has a new wife and family so maybe his ex needs to adapt to the new reality?
Honestly, does anyone's life carry on exactly the same way when they are married as it did when they were single, or do relationships with other people (particularly ex's) change?
If he expected to carry on placing his ex at the top of his priority list then he had no business marrying again.

You are definitely not being unreasonable!!
I am not the step parent, my partner is, if my ex was to come in for a cup of tea when picking up DD that would be fine, although he chooses to stay at the door, but if he were to obsess over our baby and want to kiss, cuddle and be involved in his life I think my DP would feel the exact same as you, as would I and put something in place to stop this. My partner and I are very friendly with my ex and his partner however on both sides there are boundaries put in place automatically because it’s normal, healthy for our DD and makes everything run smoothly so that everyone is happy. You are not happy with the way the EW is behaving and rightly so something should change, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare actually, I feel for you OP.

Sorry OP - YABU. You jumped on the train - you need to adapt. I dont get the whole 'dont look at my child' thing either - bizarre.

YABU on soooooooooooo many levels here. If you can't see that then, I really don't know what to say.

BUT, I would absolutely stop anyone just letting themselves into my house unless they lived there - just ask for the key back or change the locks.

Many people don't want anymore DC I don't. I like having lots of disposable income and time to myself, more dc would set me back to nappies and drudgery. I like fussing over my friends babies though because they are cute, I like handing them back though.

Oh, and a custody battle ? Seriously ? And when the children are old enough to understand what happened, and realise that the common denominator in going from amicable co-parenting to the courtroom is the OP, that’ll go down really well won’t it ?

Strange responses on this thread. Would anyone want such an overbearing ex wife of their dh? I doubt it very much.

Absolutely spot on! The split was clearly not amicable, she had an affair. I'm going to hazard a guess that her DP actually wasn't that comfortable with his cheating ex going in and out of his home but probably felt pushed into it. The ex sounds very controlling, probably why her DP has allowed her to call the shots all this time, and now he's finally putting up overdue boundaries she's pissed. How she thought that was acceptable is beyond me. She cheated, she broken up her family and she thinks everyone can just be friends? She's proven herself to be an untrustworthy person, I wouldn't want her in my home either and would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

The fact that she's kicked off just shows it wasn't a healthy set up. Co-parents can be civil for the kids without being in each others pockets.

I can see this from both sides really. You are insecure in your relationship as a second wife but it's been years and the ex hasn't tried to seduce or shag your husband yet. You have had your own DC so feel more secure in your position and are now trying to assert dominance in the household it's classic powerplay really.
You will always be your dcs mother , the ex probably doesn't want to shag your husband. She needs to take a step back but I don't think there's a problem with her being friendly with your baby. She absolutely shouldn't be inviting herself into your home.

I think its a sign she's moved on if she shows affection to your baby. A lot of exes can't stand new half siblings and won't foster the relationship between the step siblings and new half ones.

This has the potential to be a really good thing and positive for all the dc. Its not just boundaries you are putting in you are trying to assert power and dominance because you feel/felt insecure about your position. Its relational aggression.

The OP says her behaviour changed towards the ex when she found out ex had a rocky relationship with her husband. I would sat that is the OPs insecurity, not the ex wife acting with jealousy. Who's to say she wants more DC? How do you pay too much for your own children?