Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

The ones that really suffer here are your husband's DCs.

They've gone from seeing a healthy and mature relationship between their parents (and OP), setting an example of getting along, to a very negative scenario.

I'm sure there's more to the story, but from the info you've given, your response to the ex was OTT in my opinion. I can't really see what she did was that bad. She comes round for a cuppa and cuddles your baby.

Often, and I've seen it over and over again just not in my own life, 'healthy co-parenting situation' is code for 'Parent 1 has absolutely everything their own way and Parent 2 goes along with it because they know WW3 will break out if they express a different opinion'. Usually it's a continuation of the dynamic they had in their relationship.

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This is a good point especially as it was his ex wife who made her kids life implode when SHE had the affair

So actually I think the ex maybe needs to meet in the middle a bit more

OP if you do decide to talk with the woman, may be start with the goal of hearing what she has to say, and really understanding her perspective. Then go away and reflect. No decisions/agreements need to be made, instead a useful fact finding exercise. Important for you and would take the pressure off, a bit

@sourcorn I suspect she's hurt by the volte face out of the blue.

She thought she was maintaining co-parenting. Let's be realistic her ex didn't give her reason to believe there was an issue then bolt from the blue.

Ps I would want anyone in my house either & OP right to stop that but she's taken a hammer to a nut & hurt people.
Mostly the kids & probably herself moving on.

There WILL be events with his older kids later in life that she will want to attend with her husband and probably won't now be included.

For example - one of their weddings? My DH ex insisted I was at top table as we get on well

Who here thinks the ex wife in this situation will shout for the OP inclusion in absolutely anything.

Shame.

hmmm my husbands ex stays at our house sometimes and we have stayed over at hers (we live far from each other!)

she has babysat my child a few times too

Similar situation - left my husband for someone else when their child was only 1 year old - was difficult for many years - but everyone is over it now

her new partner and myself get on well - and she and my husband get on well now too!

I have no issues with her in my house and can't see the benefit of putting up boundries!

I'd argue the ex wife is insecure here otherwise she wouldn't give a crap that she's not allowed in her ex husbands house and to see her children's sibling. Surely she has enough going on in her own life to not be bothered by this.

I know I would find it really difficult to tolerate my partner's ex being a frequent presence in our lives and that of our DC. I'm not proud of that, but its the truth and I wouldn't choose to enter into a relationship with a man with DC or 'blend families' for this reason. I think if you're going to do that, all the adults involved need to make a commitment to get along and be civil for the sake of the DC. As pp have said, she doesn't need a key to your home and shouldn't be letting herself in when you're not there. That's intrusive and I can see why you needed to knock it on the head. The other stuff just seems like two adults trying to co-parent properly and keep things harmonious for the DC's sake. By making a fuss of your DC, might she not just be acknowledging the importance of their role as her DC's siblings? Maybe she just loves kids and is naturally affectionate with them?

Surely there is a balance to be struck between her waltzing in and out of your home as she pleases and being banned from your home altogether? That seems very extreme and the kids would surely pick up on it.

The ex is happy being the ex or the marriage wouldn't have ended. Women initiate majority of divorces. I'm not an ex but that sounds ridiculous. By the time divorce and stuff has happened women don't want to shag their ex or get back with him they are relieved he's someone else's problem.

OP you have to remember that most of the people on here will be in the position of the ex partner, so advice will be biased toward saying the ex in your situation is doing nothing wrong.

I don't think she's doing anything terrible and if your partner has an amicable relationship then I think that's really positive for the boys, however as your DC's mother you don't have to let her interact with them.

I would say some perspective is perhaps needed though, presumably she is only dropping off the boys once per week and at a scheduled time, so perhaps you can simply be busy, out, bathing the baby etc during that time.

I do agree with you that she is comparing apples with pears though, she has no place in your family unit with your DH, so I don't know why she thinks it is comparable.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom nope but nice try 🤣

I'm a first wife to an arse & a second wife to a man whose first wife is a doll.

I see how wonderful my DH ex has behaved & hats off to her.

Who cares. She shouldn't be wanting to go in anyway? She must be really insecure and untrusting to be insisting on going in.

Hi @sourcorn me too.
I'm a first wife and a second wife.

But his first wife didn't want to be his wife, that's why she left him for someone else.

The only person insecure in this instance is the OP.

No secure woman gives a crap about being ex wife or wife.

It's ridiculous isn't it

I'm wondering if its first time married , first time had dc women. Women who have already been married had DC seem much more chill and less possessive. If I had another DC (I don't want anymore) and an ex started holding the baby I'd be happy I had my hands free and they are getting along. I think being a FTM combined with the knowledge your husband has a past might be too much for some women.

Ha! I don't want to be the first wife. I'm happy being his current wife.

The messages on this thread are skewed by the fact that they are responses to a step-parent. In most other circumstances women are (rightly) informed that boundaries are healthy.

The pushback from DSCs' mother seems to stem from a rapid move from her position of open season on OP's home, marriage and family to a situation where she's now not permitted into the family home. A more gradual transition might have made her more accepting, but given the level of her intrusiveness I suspect any boundaries would be met with extreme resistance.

The boundaries are, however, belatedly there, and they've been there for over a year, apparently without any let up in the ex's behaviour. I don't think you have much option now but to hold to them and expect DH to do likewise.

As for the cuddling of the baby, in principle I'd have no problem with my husband's ex doing this, but it seems this issue is only the symptom of a much broader and more pervasive problem.

On balance, YANBU.

No advice OP but good luck against the endless waves of ex-wives attacking you. Stand firm.

You’re bananas. 😂 but your post lays your own situation pretty bare.

I said her subsequent abusive behaviour simply proved they boundaries were long-needed.

Frankly I don't believe there's been abuse.

She left him. OP probably resents their close bond. So she tried to power play to destroy it.
She's only harming the kids.

It seems to me (and similarly in a lot of these types of posts) that the wife is insecure.

She'll never be the first.
First person he proposed to
First person he started a home and married life with
First person he went through the excitement of pregnancy and new baby with
First real partner in life.

It seems to really really bother them. A lot (not all) want to pretend the ex wife and kids don't exist.
Remember the mad woman on here who didn't want her dsc at her wedding (although their baby was going ) to the point she booked an overseas wedding (with fancy tiki torches) so she could avoid having his kids their & just be their "little family"

So they play weird little power games.

Secure women don't care about the ex.
Water off a ducks back.

As so many have said, the only real issue was key to the house & everyone has agreed that should have been stopped sharpish.

@TedMullins yes quite. Actually lovely she makes a fuss over the kids, would take a weight of my mind. I feel bad for their older siblings that what was affectionate to their younger siblings ( which probably made them feel grounded and secure with their new half siblings) is not gone all Pete tong because of their step mum.

You are being abit unreasonable. There was a good dynamic at the beginning & then you all
of a sudden decided that things should change, I would be upset too if I were her. Is it not nice that she’s making an effort with your children too as well as her own children? they are her children’s siblings after all. It is immature of her to call you names but that’s because she’s hurt by the sudden change in the relationship.

The mother of their siblings is a pretty big role. I don’t see an issue with her making a fuss of your kids or coming in for a cup of tea. I’ve been in a relationship with someone with an ex and kids and everything was very friendly and familiar, I never saw it as an issue.

I know. They just want to lay into the OP for being the ‘second wife’/stepmother. It’s tiresome. They’re the same posters who’d lay into an OP for not having boundaries. I guess they’re just unhappy.

I’m not sure what you’re struggling with. The abuse came after the assertion of boundaries. I said that.

The boundary crossing behaviour by the bolshy ex, which was really, really weird, is what prompted them to assert boundaries.

What are you not understanding in what I’ve written there?

Also, do you think the abuse is justified by the assertion of normal boundaries by the OP and her partner?