Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Actually OPs husband is the coward who should have put reasonable boundaries in place. It’s difficult for OP to come in and immediately start putting boundaries in place as she will be seen as the evil one and this goes on until OP can’t rake it no more and has to insist.

As she said her husband agreed with the boundaries but was still worried about backlash. He’s the cause of all this and as another PP said this is a situation where one ex does what he or she wants the other goes along with it unwillingly die to fear or rocking the boat.

I'm not an ex my dh has no exes I'm saying how I see it. This is what has happened. OP was uncomfortable with it from the beginning but lacked the assertiveness to say her feelings and only felt comfortable when she gained more power. That's it really.

You haven't come across as hideous @Stickytofpud . You wand and need boundaries and she wants control and your partner/husband goes for the easy option with his ex.

She is not related to your child and has no say but for peace coming in for a cup of tea etc would be maybe worth tolerating. She shouldn't just take your child from you though.

I think she likes her own way, has messed up with her infidelity and maybe yearns for the life she once had and you now have. Pity her.

I'm not an ex my DH doesn't have exes but I would never would have continued the relationship with a man if his ex had a key to his house. OP was pretending to be fine with it when she wasn't and only felt confident to say anything when she felt she had more power and had secured her position. It's a bit sneaky and underhanded spend years pretending to be OK with it then hit the nuclear option of banning her. She should have laid the boundaries at the beginning.

Hi OP. I have shared custody with my exH. Have been doing so for the past 6 years. We are amicable for the sake of the kids. I do not go into his (our marital home) and he does not come into mine. There is absolutely no need.
I have a new baby with partner of 4 years. My exH has seen her and opened my car door to peek in and say hello but that is as far as it goes.
I would not wish to go into his home as I feel it is no longer my place, nor would I invite him into mine. The kids are dropped on doorsteps. My kids have a bigger issue that that live out of their bags all of the time. As long as we remain amicable for them, that's all they need. I agree with PPs that you probably should have set some boundaries earlier, however you need to gauge how happy the kids are and work from there. Wishing you luck.

It sounds like the issues go both ways, you need to relax a bit too. Having her into your home occasionally really helps family cohesion in step situations, also why does it matter if she she's or cuddles your child, having extra adults to love them is a good thing. I'm getting vibes that you don't trust her not to be after your partner?

And while she is still mum to their kids and certainly while kids are still young it makes sense to keep co-parenting smooth, the ex lost all her moral high ground and continued "access all areas at all time" privilege when she shagged someone who wasn't her husband. Although he does sound a bit of a doormat tbh

I'm with you OP, it's your home and your boundaries. Perhaps discuss them one by one with her and explain how her actions affect you.

@Olive19741205 wow chill out, I’m not a liar 😆.

I am not in a step family situation but i would also never have children with a man who had kids if I was not able to be friendly and Mature and respect his other kids/ their mother like a reasonable adult…

So?

Ah just realised. She's not the wife. Just the girlfriend. Thus the insecurity. Understandable.

To be fair, I wouldn't like my husband's ex-wife walking into our shared home as if it were still hers. That is definitely a boundary that's being overstepped. Its one thing to welcome her in and offer her tea or a glass of wine, quite another to come home and find she's let herself in with the kids and made herself at home. How would she feel if the positions were reversed, and you started acting the same way? She really should have the sensitivity to know that that's a step too far. She should most definitely NOT be letting herself in without your invitation or knowledge and when you are not there, even if it's to collect something for the kids. Its not her house anymore. I get the point people are making about the good co-parenting relationship thats always existed and the fact that husband is no longer interested in her etc etc - all the more reason to set some boundaries....good fences make good neighbours.

Oh is that right? So you'd give your DHs ex a key to your house would you? Let her come and go even when you're out. Liar😂

Or alternatively, maybe now she's his wife and also mother to his children (not just a current girlfriend or an ex wife) OP feels she deserves a bit more respect and say in what goes on in hers and her childrens home?

I never understand this way of thinking. You're bashing a mother because she has her own kids? Literally. My step-kids are in no way "my kids". They have 2 parents who make all decisions for them. When they're here, I might cook for them but that's about the height of my 'responsibilities' for them.

I certainly would not allow another woman to come and go as she pleases into my home, I don't care who she is or whose mother she is. You're either a liar, pretending you'd be ok with this and taking this opportunity to bash step-mothers or you're a complete and utter wimp if you'd allow this.

You sound jealous and threatened by you partners ex.

Nah the problem is OP is a coward, instead of being assertive to begin with she pretended all was fine until she got her feet under the table. Now she's given birth she feels her position is more secure so she can start throwing her weight around .She should have said many years ago about how she really felt. It will feel like a shock to the SC suddenly their mum is banned from even pickups. It's pathetic.

Now I have to wrestle to get a cuddle

Married with one DD 15 actually. Family and friends littleies would shower her with kisses as a baby and that's all good. In the same way I would my baby nieces and nephews.

I just wouldn't have wanted others to kiss her. Hardly makes her starved of love.

Each to their own though, I get that

Exactly. They're pretending they'd be ok with it just as an excuse to bash a step-mother. I've seen people on here complaining about their own mothers letting themselves into their house 😂and the advice was to take the key back.

Why are you a never married person with no past or a FTM? As long as baby has had jabs and isn't a newborn It's jealousy more affection never did a baby any harm, in fact it's positive for baby.

She's annoyed that you've put in boundaries.

Either she'll get over it in time, or she won't. Either way, carry on as normally as possible. Continue with the kids as you always have done, and leave any direct involvement with her to your partner. She's allowed to have feelings about the changes, as much as you are allowed to make them.

Either way, it'll be the kids who will ultimately decide/say who has acted well, and who hasn't. And they'll show that with actions and time spent as they become adults.

I would also not be happy her kissing my baby.

I personally wouldn't care about the offspring if my DH remarried remarried someone else. I'd be more worried about the impact on my DDs inheritance and stepmother taking all the cash. The ex is a better person than me, I'd never say it out loud but yeah I wouldn't want anything to do with it. I still love my DH dearly so perhaps that's the reason but no I wouldn't want to be lavishing attention on any half siblings of my DDs.
The ex is a good person to even give the half siblings the time of day.