Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

As I stated, boundaries should have been put in place from the start however I stand with what I said and would not want someone who is insulting me letting themselves into my house when they felt like it!

And?

Boundaries are allowed to change with time. It is not all about the over bearing ex wife.

I think YABU. It’s like their relationship was TOO amicable for you and you were jealous so you made rules to make sure you wouldn’t feel jealous, even though this isn’t in the best interests of anyone but yourself. Definitely not the children, your husband or his ex.

She broke up her marriage and family, upended her children into a 50/50 lifestyle, and now wants to call all the shots? No, there's consequences to putting your own selfish needs above those of your children; you lose the right to control them 50% of the time. That means she can drop them off at the kerb and leave you & your partner alone. I wouldn't be having her wandering around my house and cuddling my kids; next she'll be suggesting your kids call her 'Auntie'... bleurgh!

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad

Why would OP want her children around the person described? Why can't the woman be trusted to accept new boundaries without causing a scene at the doorstep with an attitude like that, I wonder?

When my DSDs Mum is at the door it's all light and breezy and she sometimes even brings a little treat for DS, who aways rushes to see her. It's all very civilised and yet at no point has she ever behaved like the character OP has been dealing with. It's completely unnecessary to having a nice relationship for the kids.

Would you want your kids around a woman who suddenly seemed to take a disliking to you and said you weren't allowed in the house or to the door and you weren't allowed near her children?

They are like the type of boundaries you bring in for someone who's a complete monster. No doubt the ex must think that the OP now hates her.
Personally I'd be very upset to think my kids were around a woman all the time who hated me.

There's seeing my children and there's cuddling and kissing my children. Would you be happy with that for your children?

I wouldn't care. As long as the children liked her and didn't mind the cuddles/kisses then crack on. If she was calling herself mummy and demanding to have them overnight that's also different. I would embrace the fact my step children saw this woman loving their siblings and would hopefully follow suit. It takes a village and this woman will be in your children's lives (via their siblings) forever! In the future, if tensions with their mother resumes, there's a chance you wont be invited to step children's events yet your children and husband will be. You have made her feel not a part of this blended family and one day that could be you. Your children's children will be cousins so days out etc may not involve you. You may have to check if mums at your step childrens house before you go round as things wont be easy and there will be animosity. Yet your children will go round freely. I think you have just shot yourself in the foot to be honest and would be repairing the relationship. You could have done things differently by getting dad to pick up/drop the step children off "on his way" somewhere. Or you taking your DC to your families when she comes by etc. Avoidance rather than an outright banning.

She's being named called? Would you happily have someone in your house is calling you behind your back?
do kids have to be dumped at the door? Why does not allowing someone to invite themselves in being unreasonable?
this seems like a control situation here . Either that or jealousy. She wants to control her ex still but to be fair I think the boundaries should have been put in from
the start and the situation wouldn't have got to this stage

It's like the tea explanation with sex and consent.

You can offer someone tea, you can offer them tea for years, you can make the tea and then one day go - ah no today I don't want to offer you tea and that's perfectly fine.

Same here. Ffs - consent for the ex wife to come into their home has been withdrawn.
Doesn't matter if it went on for decades.
Actions have consequences and frankly based on the ex wife's reaction and using her kids to spill venom, I think ops more than ok to say ok no thank you not anymore.

Hate to say it but similar situation growing up here and my half siblings mum is part of my family now we are all grown up. She's my niece and nephews nan. See her often. My mum and her hated each other back in the day but they've learnt now they're extended family, and get on.

Come back after a day out to see that the OP allowed the status quo to be maintained for 4/5 years before she tried to impose her boundaries..

Probably one of my favourite comments on this thread.

The problem is people come to the internet when situations have escalated to extremes and it's more than a let the ex wife have a cup of tea.

Ops been called all sorts on here based on the little information given. Complete character assignation (and that's fine ?) but when other posters point out mums not acted great, those same people who thought it was ok to rip op a new one start saying "well she supposedly cheated" and we don't know the whole story.

Like of course it's MN not a court room where we can call up witness.

Again constructive criticism is not the same as outright character demolition. Which btw we don't know ops character or mums or dads. But out of the three op has been torn apparat.

I know must people won't care but some of you should really be ashamed of what you have put and it shouldn't need MN to come down and delete things. I'm sure they are thinking they don't get paid enough for what they do.

I think, as usual, with this being AIBU, most posters have been excessively batshit.

The ex isn't wrong to want to maintain friendly relations (including with her children's step-siblings), and the OP isn't wrong to want some firmer boundaries in place so she doesn't feel like the interloper in her own home.

The problem is in how strict the boundaries have been, thus causing a total breakdown of relations. It didn't really necessitate 18 pages of people shouting at each other and MN mods then needing to delete things.

Well. That rapidly went to shit, dinnit?

More holes upthread than in the A1.

I agree, I just thought that seeing as it's apparently fair enough to annihilate OPs character based on very little information I'd return fire in the direction of the ex.
If OP is bad for wanting clear boundaries then ex is bad for cheating and also for still thinking she can waltz in and out of OPs home uninvited.
This painting her as a paragon of virtue with "healthy" relationships is just laughable.

@beachcitygirl You said that secure women are civil and friendly with the ex.

I completely disagree. Having boundaries with an ex who clearly does not understand boundaries does not mean a woman is insecure. Sometimes the ex just doesn't have the kind of personality to be friendly with (as in controlling and abusive). Civil is doable but friendly is not always wise or possible.

‘Silly young woman…’

My, how far we’ve come.

"A person of such low character"?

We've only heard the story from the POV of the partner of the man who was apparently cheated on. People re-write history all the time, and there are always extra details that get left out.

I don't condone cheating. And I know the pain of being cheated on. But I think it's unfair and irrelevant to judge this woman for why her relationship with her ex broke down.

I wouldn't want someone entering my home when I wasn't there, even if they were a person of the finest moral fibre. It just feels intrusive. Entering when I was, for a quick cuppa? I don't see the need for drama. They're not rifling through my underwear drawer; they're just having a brew for the road.

I think you've been unreasonable. It's entirely possible she did a lot of small unreasonable actions that pushed you to this point (that you haven't shared with us), but you've lost whatever moral high ground you had.

I'd expect her to be able to have a quick cuppa and/or use the toilet whilst making a pick-up and waiting for the kids to pack anything they had forgotten. I'm talking a maximum of 30 minutes (not timed!) rather than a four-hour gossip session (that would be intrusive). I'm also talking about limiting her movement in your house to, say, the downstairs loo (if you have that sort of layout) and the kitchen rather than tramping all over the property into every room you have (it is your home and some things do need to be off-limits for you to feel comfortable).

I'd also expect her to be friendly with your kids. Do you not think it's weird that you spend time with her children and your children, but she isn't allowed to spend time with your children?

The kids are all related to each other, so it makes sense they would get to know each other's parents/the new partners of each other's parents, if relevant.

She shouldn't enter your home when you're not here. That was a reasonable ask. Do you have a key to her home?

I think it's fair to say you wanted some boundaries in place, but unfortunately, you think you went a bit too far, and you think you should discuss adjusting those boundaries. It might still be possible to walk this back, have some boundaries in place, and repair that positive co-parenting relationship.

It's likely DH will have to be the one to have that conversation, though, and he doesn't sound the type to really want to have it.

Nastiness is not verve, unless it is enthusiastic nastiness 🙄

The ex is banned completely from dropping her DC off at the house, her ex has to come drop the children off at hers or pick them up. She could be really vindictive and ban the ex from coming to her property but that would be harmful to the dc. Has she done anything that terrible to warrant that? It's weird dropping in for a cup of tea but not that strange to ban all together , how damaging to the DC that their mother is banned from dropping them off.
It creates loads of drama , just say oh I'm busy just drop off at the door. All of them sound like teenagers instead of adults.