Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Also, just wanted to add that of course it is not ok for her to enter your home without anyone being there to invite her in. And of course it’s reasonable to want to have space and time for yourselves.

Instead of a complete ban of her entering not just your home but your husband’s home and your step children’s home and your baby’s home, couldn’t you create some healthy boundaries of when you choose to invite her in?

It’s not just your home though. When sharing a house the other occupants are allowed to have guests.

You said that your husband feels caught in the middle. That’s not healthy for him.

Think about how to establish boundaries that don’t override his healthy boundaries and the children’s healthy boundaries.

Everybody’s boundaries are going to be a bit different but we still need to respect each other’s boundaries.

Sorry, thought I was on Reddit for a moment 🤣 *YABU

It sounds like they had a healthy co-parenting situation set up and now you've come along and crapped all over it. YTA, sorry.

You are being so so unreasonable. Admittedly some of what you have written would make me a bit insecure too. I’d hate someone just letting themselves in. However, instigating the deterioration of a good coparent set up because of it, was not ok. Her marriage is not your business, and I know it’s easier said than done when someone you love has been hurt, but it’s for your DH to manage how their past impacts their current relationship.

You are assuming that her actions regarding your children were self-motivated. It sounds like she was doing her best to embrace you and your children. This might have been to signal to hers that they should love and treat you all well, given that dynamics in blended families can be fraught. The restrictions you put in place were quite extreme and were not in the best interest of the children. Your DH can’t put all of the responsibility for this on you though. He was reluctant for a reason, and he should not have agreed to bulldoze a dynamic that had been working for years.

I think if you want to repair the coparent relationship, the first thing you’re going to have to do is think of it from her point of view. She might feel that she did her best to be kind to you for years and in return you banished her from your house and from interacting with your children like a criminal. I’ll probably get slated for suggesting this, but sometimes you just have to apologise. After that just keep it civil, focus on what’s best for the kids and don’t listen to gossip. It’s highly unlikely, she will want to rebuild a relationship or spend any time in your house or around your children after this, so I don’t think you have anything to lose.

You are unreasonable tk not want her in the house, you sound jealous and controlling. Maybe you should think about your DH’s children in all of this and not just about yourself. Also yojr DH is clearly a coward

She sounds like a nightmare

Your partner needs to support you with the new changes. Ignore as much as possible.

How old are the older children?

OP, I understand where you’re coming from, I had almost exactly the same situation. His ex wanted control, she wanted to know everything that went on in our home. We had the turning up, walking in —- I never went to her house, husband had never been inside it, always spoke on her doorstep.
All I can suggest is you and DH put on a united front. To the children present it as a that’s life shrugged shoulders type of thing. Be firm with the ex wife but don’t involve the children.
One thing you might consider is moving just a bit further away. Something about an unfamiliar house, different neighbourhood def put the ex wife off visiting.

This explains it better than me:

Boundaries that don’t work

While it’s a good idea to set some boundaries, some don’t work and can ultimately have a negative effect on one or both partners.

These tend to be founded in control, when one person tries to restrict or command the actions of the other — and there are some definite red flags to look out for.

“Anything that limits a person’s options” is an unhealthy boundary, Preece explains. “It could be around time, the way they act, even the way they dress.” Crossing these lines, he adds, “can be dangerous.”

This is something Gabb agrees with.
“We shouldn’t confuse boundaries and control —– they’re not the same thing,” she says. “If someone feels a partner is putting up boundaries in a controlling way — ‘These are my boundaries, and this is what you must do’ — then there’s a problem with communication around boundaries being established.”

psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours#ineffective-boundaries

@Stickytofpud Having healthy boundaries is really important.

But I do think that sometimes people confuse boundaries with control.

Healthy boundaries are about you choosing how you want to be treated, you making decisions for yourself, you choosing to value and respect yourself and equally valuing and respecting others.

They are not about controlling situations, controlling other people, changing another person or dictating what they can and can’t do.

This is about your partner’s co parenting relationship with his ex. It is up to him, not you, how he wants to facilitate the co parenting relationship he has with his ex.

I am sorry but I do think that you are being unreasonable.

If a woman posted on Mumsnet saying that her partner would not allow her children’s father in the house for similar reasons that you gave, I would be saying that he is being controlling and that it was a red flag.

You’re getting pummelled because it sounds like you walked into a healthy and happy, very established co-parenting relationship and just obliterated it.

In principle I kind of agree with the gist of what you mean, but you’ve gone about thing’s completely wrong. Honestly you’re the type of woman/step-mum I dread my ex meeting and the kids having.

I think that the absolute best situation for all the children (including yours) was what was happening before and you’ve just bulldozed right through that, for seemingly quite petty reasons. Why would you want to create a situation where the parents weren’t getting along, what have you gained out of this apart from the feeling that you have more power than her?

And no it would not worry me in the slightest if she was holding or kissing one of my children. What did you think she was going to do - kidnap them?

My brother’s children have had to endure acrimony between their parents and a step mother who has never laid eyes on their mother. They would have given anything to have the kind of setup you had. This post has really upset me.

Grow up, be glad she cares and the kids are happy. You are very controlling

I think you're being Abu. Maybe I'm just strange though, I always got one with my kids SM and also am close to ex and hers son, to the point I've had him stay for weekends. They've since broken up, he doesn't see any of the children but we have maintained a good friendship and they even come over on Christmas day. Our children are siblings at the end of the day.

She sounds far too familiar but when you say about her and your kids;

she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

That's quite a big deal if you ask me.

Please ignore those suggesting you are hideous or jealous - both are ridiculous inferences to make.

You are right to have boundaries. Some of her behaviours should have been stamped out a long time ago - coming into your house when you're not there is totally unacceptable. And trying to have a relationship with your child given the hurt she caused your dh is not something I would tolerate either.

Maybe a softening of allowing her to drop off and collect her DC from yours but not inviting in would be OK but the rest, reading between the lines, I'd keep her as far away as possible.

Indeed, I too was wondering who is doing the stirring.

If my child is fine with it nothing to do with me

Agree with PPs YABU

Well 60% of the votes are that YANBU and I'm one of them so I'd take that and run before the nasty people come back 😀

Crikey - my DM is so close to her XH 2nd wife - she was a great SM to my DSis and to me (absolutely no blood relation), DM was happy that my DSis was very much loved while in her care.
My SM on the other hand - as soon as she had her own DC, her attitude towards me completely changed and I was just always in the way. Her oldest child is now 31 and she will still barely speak to me.

what women allow men to do to them,

I don't really see the problem with her making a fuss of your children. They are children's siblings and a bit more love never did any child any harm