Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Where did you pick that up from?
I assumed she was bad mouthing her to the husband, not the kids.

And of course the kids will sense it but they will also have noticed that suddenly their mother wasn't allowed near the house or their siblings.

@piddocktrumperiness
It's absolutely fine to put some boundaries in place but OP went nuclear.

It sounds like "I don't want you in my house, I don't want you even near my house and I don't want you near my kids again either"

Being snarky and calling OP names or talking crap behind her back IS damaging the coparenting relationship-and that is the ExW doing it.

She's doing it in response to what happened, and it was quite clearly already damaged before the exW got to that point.

If she continues she'll isolate the kids and create a hostile environment, which will damage the coparenting relationship.

The OP already made it hostile. Literally the very definition of the word.

The common denominator here is the ExW. Not the OP

I don't think you know what a common denominator is.

The parents can still share duties perfectly well to no detriment of the children. with everything the OP has asked for (and the husband actually wants but is too chicken to say anything-

How do you know? Maybe he liked it as it was

One of the worst things a parent can do when coparenting is bad mouthing the other parent in front of the kids. I didn't pickup anything from the OP's post to say she has done that, quite the contrary. The ExW on the other hand, seems to be doing that- that is creating a problem and that will be to the detriment of the children. They will feel that. They won't really care about dad picking up or dropping off- they'll sense if one of them is pissed off and it seems to be the ExW being all Me Me about it

Well half of us are clearly missing something then-
How is asking for some privacy damaging the coparenting relationship?
How is asking for the ex to not waltz in as she pleases in a house that is no longer hers but is OP's damaging the coparenting relationship?

But,
Being snarky and calling OP names or talking crap behind her back IS damaging the coparenting relationship-and that is the ExW doing it.
If she continues she'll isolate the kids and create a hostile environment, which will damage the coparenting relationship.
The common denominator here is the ExW. Not the OP

The parents can still share duties perfectly well to no detriment of the children. with everything the OP has asked for (and the husband actually wants but is too chicken to say anything- further evidence the situation from the beginning was shit and only favoured the ExW)

Ahh, if what half of the PPS are saying is that the coparenting relationship has changed, then yes- so what? It wasn't healthy from the get go. Evolution and progression can be a good thing.

@piddocktrumperiness

ExW is weaponising her children here. She could have been mature about and asked the husband but she didn't- she threw a tantrum.

I would say the ex wife DID ask the husband, bizarre to assume that she didn't.

I have to wonder myself if we're reading the same thread because the OP has definitely damaged the co-parenting relationship

Are we all reading the same thread here?? It's madness.
ExW is weaponising her children here. She could have been mature about and asked the husband but she didn't- she threw a tantrum.

And since when is dropping off and picking up the essence of 'Co-Parenting'?
Blimey- the most important thing is being on the same page regarding the raising of the kids and their emotional wellbeing, not what street they get picked up of dropped off. It is the mother that is damaging the relationship by weaponising her own children and probably feeding them vile info to pit them against the SM.

OP, I hope you are ok. You've not damaged the coparenting relationship. It was a shit one to start off with- you called it out, and yes ruffled feathers but they needed ruffling for everyone's sake. The situation as is was not sustainable.

ExW needs to sort herself out and for the love of God the husband needs to buck up and step up

Well I just don’t like to presume, I’m not into denigrating people based on assumptions. I had considered she picks things up from an unlocked porch perhaps, me and my ex both do that. Or maybe a keybox outside, who knows or cares really at this point.

Either way if she does have a key and is misusing it then her ex-husband should’ve taken it or sorted this issue long before the pot boiled over for OP like this. Hence why I said I’m especially side eyeing him in all this and really feel for the kids who are the real victims in this childish mess.

@Lachimolala let's agree to disagree and thank you for sharing your opinion.

Also I think the key part is from the original ops post "dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff". Unless of course it's in America and they have people who let others in to apartments in emergencies. If no one's in the house, then there's no one to let her in eg she's got a key.

I assume she's got a key and not breaking in or coming up through the floor boards (which even with all this mess - Iif she had been breaking in, I'm sure op would have mentioned it)

We still don't know who was pouring poison in the OP'S ear about what the ex was supposedly saying.

Does she have a key? Feel like that’s been said a lot but not confirmed by OP unless I’ve missed it somewhere?

I mean I’m not looking for agreement, but my take on it is from the children’s point of view. And yes they do matter, baffling to think they don’t have any bearing on any of this. It affects them the most.

OP can absolutely do whatever she likes, but like I said she’d have been better being smarter about it and ensuring the co-parenting relationship isn’t damaged in any way. I definitely think it could’ve been done by a smarter approach.

Now those poor kids have parents that sound like they’re at loggerheads because of such a ham fisted approach. Pretty unforgivable in my eyes.

I don’t feel particularly sorry for any of the adults in this to be honest, least of the dad. But I can understand where the ex/mum is coming from.

Also I don’t believe it’s disingenuous to say how I would feel if my ex had another baby then allowed mother of said baby to start making decisions that negatively impacted our children and our co-parenting relationship especially when stemming from insecurities - because I would feel like that. And if you have another read you’ll see I was talking from my pov to another poster. Not about the ex-wives pov. So not disingenuous at all.

@Lachimolala see I am a ex wife (and you will have to excuse my self indulgence but I feel like I have every right to hate my ex and be bitter) but I can't actually quite see why anyone would be offended by the change( even if historically been allowed) to not come into someone's home uninvited, demand to be served tea and have a key.

If it's not my home and I have no legal ownership I can't imagine why I would feel affronted tbh.

But say this did happen, I suppose I would reflect back on my actions and instead of asking "why have you let your gf ban me from the house" which to me is pretty hostile - I would ask there's been a shift what's up with that ? Have I overstepped in anyway ? As I agree you catch for flies with sugar than honey. But that rule applies both ways.

Of course the ex can have feelings about the change, no one's emotions in this situation mum or sm is wrong.But using your kids as weapons to me (regardless of how hurt you are) as a adult is bad parenting and can and should be kept separate from emotions you feel.

I think it's slightly disingenuous saying that mums upset about trusting her kids with op, it's not like happened straight after op had a baby and she's pushing them out.
Op doesn't have a issue with her DSc. She has a issue with mum letting her self in and having a key which I think is normal.

Dsc have again has zero to do with it. Which is why i imagine mums upset, because she no longer has control over something she felt entitled to but doesn't obviously just my opinion.

But genuinely question of this was a dad acting like this and the house was mums and step dads. Would people be defending dad ?

Because it would be a day in hell that my ex thought he could roll into my house and demand a cup of tea from me and kick off about not having a key.

This is all v weird and all it's highlighted to me is frankly there are lots of pretty weird opinions have about their exes. More than I ever suspected 🤯

Exactly. The ex obviously had a visceral reaction to the big changes. This idea that she's just trying to be petty shows a complete lack of empathy.

Of course she would have felt shit to be told I don't want you near my kids....I would feel that that's quite a loaded and accusatory 'boundary'....Being banned from being around someones children implies the person is awful, even a danger.

A lot of these responses come across as disingenuous in the rush to make out that ex wives are always out to get the stepmums.

Everyone knows that they get upset/confused etc. when someone just apparently turns on them and in this particular case it's likely to be very emotive as kids are involved.

And obviously this must have been unsettling for the DCs, they may think something bad has happened that the adults are keeping from them.

I would never be as over familiar as the ex and I agree boundaries were needed but I would imagine she has gone from feeling like they are pretty much friends to not allowed on the street, when behaviour has not changed quite unsettling. She may also be concerned about OPs mental health given the sudden huge change in behaviour and concerned she could turn on the DCs in the same way.

I haven't read all as its long now but I think it was a good co parenting relationship and you don't like it. I wish my parents and step parents got on even if it was pretend! Ours was rocky volatile and just horrendous

I would question the judgement and maturity of someone who took such an odd and cruel way of getting the point across.

I can completely understand (and agree) with the no entering unless invited and cooling off on the cups of tea etc. But to unilaterally ban her from even dropping off the kids and being banned from even clapping eyes on her kids siblings is quite the change. It’s what’s caused the strong negative reaction. Especially after it only seemed to change 4-5 years in after the birth of OP’s child, that would make me feel very worried about the treatment of my children in light of said new sibling.

Personally if my ex (and no I’m not a bitter first wife) I’m actually the second wife after the first wife and we detest him equally 😂 yet we do manage to co-parent very well. But if he allowed his girlfriend to ban me from dropping off my kids I would be asking him for an explanation and wondering why he’s allowing the co-parenting relationship to be destroyed.

You catch more flies with honey after all, I would have gone for a subtle cleverer approach to pull back from certain things, one that centred the existing children. Because these kids have gone from seeing mum and dad calm and present to seeing mum and dad very separate and angry with one another. For that I would be very angry and disappointed, I would’ve noted that not much will have changed for the new child in the family. Just dads children from another relationship, that’s very sad.

Unless OP posted it in an update I don't think the kids haven't been allowed in the fathers home?
It's just words, and the mother saying she doesn't want the OP around her kids from what I saw. It doesn't sound like she's stopped her.

The kids would have noticed something was up initially when the mother stopped being allowed in the house or near the siblings etc.

Perhaps they also are now picking up on the tension that has followed on from that, but it doesn't sound like the mother has actually done anything expect complain (to the father I assume).

She may well be hurt, but using her children to try and do some pay back is petty. It will only be her children who suffer when they can’t be in their father’s home and they can’t have a stable life with him, so I really do think the mum should stop thinking of herself and put her kids first.

It's not petty in any way.

I could understand it being petty if the OP just didn't want regular cups of tea etc. and said let's cool that a bit.

But you're not allowed in the house, or to the house and you're not allowed anywhere near my kids??

The ex had a strong reaction to it because it is hurtful, offensive, a real fuck you and she was made out to be an awful person.

So her reaction is far from petty.

It would make me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable to have a woman be such a big part of my kids lives if she treated me like I was some kind of monster.

And that is just such petty behaviour, and not the same at all.

The mum will soon be moaning when OP isn’t including the dscs in stuff because OP is told she can’t see them. Will be her own fault.

@Boomshock can you explain why ? (Because I truly can't see it tbh and want to understand)

Neither would I but likewise I can also see why the ex doesn't want the OP being around her kids either now.

"THIS THREAD IS BONKERS"

Ain't that the truth!

I don't know how hard it is for people to grasp.

Consent can be removed at any time by any reason.

Just because op a sm and mums a mum doesn't change this fact.

THIS THREAD IS BONKERS