Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

I'm surprised but not shocked at some of the replies, probably coming from exwives who hate their DC stepmum.
Exw has had it her own way for far too long, who lets themselves into another woman's home without permission, picks up their DC for a cuddle, walks in and tells her ex to make a cuppa tea?
I'll tell you who, an exw who is marking her territory, she might as well cock her leg and piss up the wall.
There's no need for her to enter your home, it's where her DC live when with their df not where she lives.
Her actions are of someone who's saying "this is my house, my family, you're unimportant, you're an interloper, I'm in charge and I'll prove it"
She could magnanimously state how good you were to her DC but what she meant was "she's dancing to my tune"
Now you're not letting her have her own way you're the biggest piece of shit going.
You have not smashed their co-parenting arrangement, you have put boundaries in place, of course she doesn't like it, you've taken away her power to insert herself in your life.
In any other situation no-one would allow another woman to walk into their home, demand tea and pick up their dbaby, you'd throw them out.
Chuck in a couple of stepdc and all of a sudden this woman is a saint, at least in the squewed world of mn.
Stick to your boundaries

I think you’ve had some harsh replies here. I wouldn’t like such a situation either and I agree that she has no relevance in your child’s life and I wouldn’t want to encourage that either. It sounds to me like their level of involvement was still too high and I would have felt like you. Good luck xx

I think people on here are being beyond ridiculous and can’t believe what you’re being called but it’s a pity it’s gotten here- you (all) decided the family was to be an unusual blended family and then suddenly pressed stop. I think you all need to work at rebuilding the (blended) family and yes you can have boundaries, but they don’t have to be so obvious or forced

YABVU for getting into a step parent relationship and alienating their mother, it’ll affect them.

So what she likes your baby, why does that bother you? It would not bother me.

Poor kids

You need to have a long think about why YOU have tolerated this for so long. First time she tried walking in my house would have been the last. What women put themselves through for the sake of a man.

Some fucking nutters on here. Some ex wives with serious issues 😂
You have learned the hard way @Stickytofpud that keeping quiet, saying nothing and being a doormat does you no favours down the line. No man is worth this absolute bullshit yet you cling on. The ex wife has called the shots for so long of course she was going to struggle with that control being taken away!
Jesus wept, the trolls on this thread trying to insist that this is normal I just can't.

I agree it doesn't sound healthy at all

Hi - stepmum here.
I think the issue you have is like you say- you jumped into the situation as it was and everyone else was happy with the situation as it was.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your partner saying ok, let's not do the whole going into each others houses thing I'm a bit uncomfortable with that now. But it has to come from him and in an ideal world it would have happened before you and your dc were on the scene.

I also get where you are coming from re your own child. Personally my DH's ex hasn't ever met our child but then she hasn't ever met me - I've offered to meet up with her but she hasn't been fussed. If she's not interested in saying hello to me then I'm sure as hell not letting her meet my child. However this is kind of a very hard boundary to put into place after the event tbh.

I’ve seen this sort of thing before is her name Claire by any chance?

Boundaries are not about controlling other people. Boundaries are about how you govern yourself.

What stands out to me is that you accepted the status quo for a numer of years but then upended the whole thing.

But it is clearly important to have boundries.

Tricky!

Op, do not pay any attention to the “hideous” posters verbally assaulting you on this thread. They must have problems that have nothing to do with you.

This is terrible - many people have expressed opinions, some with passion and verve but assaulted?

This.
I always thought if my ex had more kids that I'd love some kind of relationship with them because they would be my kids siblings and a huge part of their lives so it would be just odd to not have any kind of relationship with them. I got on great with the ex he had that I thought he might have had kids with and she even said I'd be the babysitter if they had kids. They broke up anyway so it never happened!

I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.

I don't think that it's too surprising that she suddenly sees you in a different light considering you said The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible

That must have seemed 'all of a sudden' to her too, and hurtful and offensive.

The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else.

I understand boundaries where she wasn't invited in or was invited in less, but it sounds like she isn't allowed near the house at all even to collect them 🤔
From her point of view this must have came across very badly, like she was being treated like she was some kind of awful person.

I’m a step mum and I can see why this has caused an issue. The time to re-draw the boundaries was when you moved it. That’s when the situation changes, it seems a bit odd to suddenly want to change things several years later.

My step kids mum is always nice to my daughter. When we drop the kids off she invites us in/or we invite ourselves in as my daughter likes to see her cats and her dog (especially after the dog has puppies!). She always seems to have lollies in her car so my daughter always goes out to her car when she picks the kids up to see if she has anything! We don’t have keys to each others houses which has actually proved quite annoying on a few occasions and I’ve said repeatedly to DP that we should have each others keys in case the kids need something from the other house, but he is slack and keeps forgetting 🙄.

She was also one of the first people to see my daughter after she was born, she brought the kids too the hospital to see their new sibling (she was also seeing her sister who had a baby around the same time).

If you really feel that she needs to be at your house less then it’s up to your partner to collect/drop off his kids from her house.

I am betting that if p p s calling this a "good co parenting relationship" would be less enthusiastic if they had to put up with this.

I think you were right to put down boundaries and i t is her ruining any co parenting relationship as she is punishing everyone around at for no longer having everything her way.

I think it's far more healthy to have a bit of distance.

You were very uncomfortable with the previous set up and that is reason enough for it to need to change.

It does sound like the boundaries were needed, otherwise she wouldn’t have reacted as she has.

whilst she was demanding her drink upon visiting, visiting the house in your absence op was a great poerson

byt when op said actually you don’t need to be having hot drinks at our place or visiting when adults aren’t present, suddenly op wasn’t a good person

hiw old are her D.C.?

I don’t see how you read that as a healthy co parenting relationship ship, it is not at all. A healthy co parenting relationship means respecting each other especially when your ex starts a new sanity with someone else not bashing in making orders and acting like an idiot.

The OPs husband only went along with this because he is spineless and can’t face up to his ex wife for fear of rocking the boat, how is that a healthy relationship?

If her husband wanted to maintain his relationship ship with his ex as is then he should not have dated and married her, to expect the relationship to stay the same with her having anytime access, snapping orders for coffee, grabbing their child is asinine.

really? It has nothing to to do with you that your partners ex wife who has issues with boundaries comes to your house kissing your children? I’ve read it all on mumsnet lol. Yeah it has nothing to do with her at all.

@Stickytofpud i think the boundaries you put in place are fine given she sounds batshit crazy and in my opinion this mess is due to your husband’s lack of a spine. He should have put these boundaries in place ages ago but he didn’t.

You can be amicable with your parents ex without the over done bullshit that she’s doing.

also don’t worry about the bashing you’re getting here, mumsnet has a her mentality where one person picks one small piece and hammers on and on making their own assumptions and others just pile on and join like a herd of sheep.

and for the life of me why do problem need to bring their issues to mumsnet? Everyday people come to mumsnet and get attacks and attacked and yet you all can’t seem to make basic life decisions without posting on mumsnet.

As a former GF of a fellow with child, I can understand the other party wanting to ensure the woman my children are living with for part of their week, is normal and they are treated nicely and similarly to her own. I have seen it several times where step C. are not treated fairly and I made it a point to get on with then partner's ex. Just helps at hand over time.

Having said that, telling your partner to make her a cup of whatever at your place is out of bounds, unless she is having to wait around for the children to be ready or some such is going on. Then its just polite and I (being you) would offer.

but you did know your partner was a package deal. Again if she is waiting for the children to be ready, it wouldn't really worry me if she is entertaining our little person. Its a good example to their children to see Mum interacting with their half sibling. After all you are all going to be related for a very long time and will be involved in the children's key life moments.

I'd say the boundaries are too harsh. Yes, definitely no going in the house when you aren't there, but her not allowed to drop the kids off and come in for a cup of tea? Why not? Whether you like it or not, your child is her children's sibling, so there is a relationship there. It's odd that your child is banned from seeing her.

I might be overinvested because my situation is similar but I think this is a harsh and simplistic view.

Often, and I've seen it over and over again just not in my own life, 'healthy co-parenting situation' is code for 'Parent 1 has absolutely everything their own way and Parent 2 goes along with it because they know WW3 will break out if they express a different opinion'. Usually it's a continuation of the dynamic they had in their relationship.

And the new partner 'crapping all over it' is code for a pair of fresh eyes looking at the situation and pointing out that it's unhealthy.

Controlling spouses make controlling exes and they REALLY hate losing that control as the person who left them and their controlling ways tries to break free and make a new life without them at the centre of it.

I very much get why you want to establish some boundaries, but I don’t think you’ve gone about it a way that was ever going to do anything other than get her back up.

I don’t have any advice as to what you should do now, but I think most people could have foreseen that the way you handled this was never going to lead to the sort of happy-clappy, skipping-through-the-tulips, one-big-happy-family scenario you were clearly envisaging.

To be honest, the idea of embroiling myself into a step-situation - with unpredictable exes, other people’s children, and blended families - is so deeply unappealing, that I don’t understand why anyone bothers. I mean, sure you love him. But there are zillions of men out there. This seems like way, way too much stress and bother.

Saying your husband’s ‘going to have to get tough’. I mean, that’s worthless advice. Talk about stating the obvious. Mr I Don’t Want To Rock The Boat is never going to do that, so …. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The commenters on here are nuts!

I cannot believe the comments and the polling. Op, do not pay any attention to the “hideous” posters verbally assaulting you on this thread. They must have problems that have nothing to do with you.

You are correct to put boundaries in place. Your husband should not be tolerating any talk from her about you. She has inserted herself into your business and your children and that is wrong. She has violated your space, your baby’s personal space, your marriage and boundaries, both yours and your husband’s.

He’s going to have to get tough, stay calm but firm. I would not allow her within 100 yards of my children, she sounds obsessive and creepy. You’re doing the right thing. Do not give in whatever you do or you’ll regret it.

I don’t understand your issue? You knew the score when you got together? Your DH allowed the lack of boundaries, he was obviously fine with it. So it’s pretty clear that it’s you who’s raised the issues.

The issue isn’t her, it’s your DH.