Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

512 replies

Stickytofpud · 07/06/2023 00:25

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/06/2023 07:00

GoodChat · 07/06/2023 06:59

Another sad situation where it's only the kids getting hurt.

For those who say the OP doesn't sound jealous she specifically said theres no romantic feelings, then explicitly said on her DH's part in brackets, which is an insinuation that she doesn't trust him with this woman, and that part of the reason for her introducing these boundaries was because the ex is having issues with her H. She's clearly worried about her own DH having a relationship with this woman - even though it's whats best for the children.

See, I read that as she didn’t presume to know how the ex-wife was feeling.

WinchSparkle80 · 07/06/2023 06:59

As Mel Robbins would say…. just let them…. it’s not worth the stress.
You might have some anxiety or worry that something bad might happen? have a think what that might be?

GoodChat · 07/06/2023 06:59

Another sad situation where it's only the kids getting hurt.

For those who say the OP doesn't sound jealous she specifically said theres no romantic feelings, then explicitly said on her DH's part in brackets, which is an insinuation that she doesn't trust him with this woman, and that part of the reason for her introducing these boundaries was because the ex is having issues with her H. She's clearly worried about her own DH having a relationship with this woman - even though it's whats best for the children.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/06/2023 06:59

Women on here are constantly being laid into for having weak boundaries. A woman (who has stepchildren for half the week) puts in gentle and fully understandable boundaries (ex-wife is not to barge into their house, demand tea and become weirdly territorial about their new children 😳) and she’s torn to pieces by posters, who are likely triggered by their own broken down relationships.

Sort it out, Mumsnet.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/06/2023 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you fucking serious?

What is it with threads started by stepmothers that trigger some posters (presumably bitter ones, who have children with ex partners who have moved on…) into being unbelievably vile to OPs…?!

BadgerFacedCoo · 07/06/2023 06:54

Your problem isn't having boundaries. It's that you had to insist to your DH that he has some with his ex.

Don't be his consolation prize because his Mrs cheated.

Summerpetal · 07/06/2023 06:54

If it worked for them before u came along ,u should of kept your nose out and left them to it
all u have done is stir up a hornets nest

Laurdo · 07/06/2023 06:52

OP you probably should have posted this in the step-parenting board rather than AIBU. Stepmums are not allowed to have boundaries and mum's must be allowed to call the shots at all times.

Joking aside. You absolutely have every right to decide who does or doesn't come into your home. There is zero need for her to be in your home and I'd say it's very unusual for that to happen in a step family situation. You can continue a good relationship with their mum without her being so present. The fact she has reacted so badly to the boundaries you have places for your own home and children just shows she never had any respect for you. Her aim has always been to have some level of control and to remind you of her presence and importance.

Honestly, the people saying you're being unreasonable, I'm sure they'd love having their partners ex in their home all the time. Not!

Your partner's ex can sulk all she wants. You are his partner now and his priority should be you feeling comfortable and happy in your own home not making his ex feel happy.

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2023 06:50

It’s not unreasonable to want a few boundaries but the time to put them in was when you first moved in or jumped on the over-burdened train tbh. Not a train I would have jumped on.

Try to be civil to her; an occasional cup of tea isn’t the end of the world - it’s nice if she is kind to your dc as well; they can’t have too many people love them

Greywhippet · 07/06/2023 06:50

i think YABU. It’s better for the children for the parents to maintain an amicable relationship. She is part of your family whether you like it or not and that is the situation you knew you were getting into.

Screwcorona · 07/06/2023 06:49

It sounded like you had all quite a positive relationship as far as coparenting goes, which was good in front of the kids too and you've ruined it and created this problem.
I don't know if you can fix this.

Changechangechanging · 07/06/2023 06:45

The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place)

So he can go to her place for all things children, but she can't go to yours? You don't see an issue with that?

You don't need to invite her in but you shouldn't control the situation so tightly. It's a bit of a mess and you are at the heart of it.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/06/2023 06:44

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

I agree. I feel sorry for the kids, not an insecure wife.

SchoolShenanigans · 07/06/2023 06:44

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

She clearly felt threatened from the beginning.

I agree with you, it's the kids who'll suffer. Step mum of the year, she is not.

SchoolShenanigans · 07/06/2023 06:41

Well written OP, you've got the "woe is me" routine nailed down well.

But from what you've written, I think YABU. They had an amicable relationship which must have been lovely for the kids. What could have been stressful and upsetting was made easier by them seeing their parents get on over a cup of tea.

I really don't see what the problem with a cup of tea was. And what exactly did she come into the house for when you weren't there? I would imagine it was for kids stuff and that your partner agreed given she must have had a key.

You waited patiently. Then, when you fell pregnant, you took the opportunity to use your new power to create animosity. Well done you.

I hope the kids are ok in all of this. Sounds like your husband definitely has a type. And that for you at least, your goal has been accomplished. You clearly felt his ex, despite ending a marriage and marrying someone else, still loved your husband and you decided you wanted her no where near you and your husband, but it doesn't work like that when you have kids (or shouldn't if it can be helped for the kids sakes).

olympicsrock · 07/06/2023 06:40

I’m sorry . I also think OP has been unreasonable. There is fault on both sides here. She appears to have been very heavy handed banning the mother from coming near one of the children’s homes.
pick ups from either house with the parent being welcome for a cup of tea and chat is far more normal and helpful for the children.

Yes to boundaries but this is the Berlin Wall.

BubziOwl · 07/06/2023 06:38

I think there was probably a middle ground to be found somewhere between letting herself in when you're not there and not even being allowed in for a cup of tea...

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

Darkandstormynite · 07/06/2023 06:38

First rule of Mumsnet is don't post in AIBU if you're a step parent

Second rule of Mumsnet is don't post in AIBU if you're a step parent

Rookie mistake there OP 😉

Sissynova · 07/06/2023 06:33

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

How on earth does holding a baby mean you have an obsession and think it’s yours??

I actually think for the most part you’re making the co parenting dynamic as difficult as possible.
The parents being mature and maintaining a friendly relationship is best for the children. Children don’t want to have 2 entirely separate lives with no crossover, being pick up at the end of the drive etc.
Coming in for a quick cup of tea while the kids get their bag is actually a very good thing.
You’re letting your insecurities of him having an ex wife cloud your judgement and your enforcing things that actually are not beneficial for your step children.

ACynicalDad · 07/06/2023 06:30

Your husband sounds like a door mat, first for her, now for you. What does he think?

Yousee · 07/06/2023 06:30

Campervangirl · 07/06/2023 06:24

I'm surprised but not shocked at some of the replies, probably coming from exwives who hate their DC stepmum.
Exw has had it her own way for far too long, who lets themselves into another woman's home without permission, picks up their DC for a cuddle, walks in and tells her ex to make a cuppa tea?
I'll tell you who, an exw who is marking her territory, she might as well cock her leg and piss up the wall.
There's no need for her to enter your home, it's where her DC live when with their df not where she lives.
Her actions are of someone who's saying "this is my house, my family, you're unimportant, you're an interloper, I'm in charge and I'll prove it"
She could magnanimously state how good you were to her DC but what she meant was "she's dancing to my tune"
Now you're not letting her have her own way you're the biggest piece of shit going.
You have not smashed their co-parenting arrangement, you have put boundaries in place, of course she doesn't like it, you've taken away her power to insert herself in your life.
In any other situation no-one would allow another woman to walk into their home, demand tea and pick up their dbaby, you'd throw them out.
Chuck in a couple of stepdc and all of a sudden this woman is a saint, at least in the squewed world of mn.
Stick to your boundaries

Thanks for this, saved me typing it out 😄
This thread is through the looking glass stuff.
Obviously nobody with any sense of socially acceptable behaviour or respect for other people would behave like this woman has been. And he's been a bit of a twit to allow it for so long.
Personally, my relationship with DH would never have got off the ground if his relationship with his ex was like this. As it is, somehow we all manage friendly relations, even including my children, without anyone ever stepping over anyone's threshold. It's completely unnecessary.

cansu · 07/06/2023 06:29

Why does it upset you that she is kind to your children? A work colleague or neighbour who is close by might be similar. It sounds like you are very insecure. What is the danger here? I think it is a shame you have turned a good Co parenting relationship and a nice blended fame vibe into something acrimonious.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 06:27

I think you've overcorrected. I think it would be extremely reasonable to say she has to stop coming into your house when none of you are there. But why must your partner pick up and drop off the children, that's overly controlling and may not be convenient. What if they're out, and it would be simpler for her to drop them off on her way back home, rather than go home and wait. I agree she shouldn't walk in uninvited and demand a cup of tea when she's dropping off though.

Sux2buthen · 07/06/2023 06:25

Don't let the 'pummelling' replies get to you, they mean less than fuck allGrin
So many post on here with what they would or wouldn't do but they're not in the situation.
If you were the first wife and you posted saying you'd left him for someone else and now you like to let yourself in, cuddle the baby and linger in your old house everyone here would tell you to move on and back off.
Its your home too, you've been patient. Your house should be your sanctuary. I think there's probably compromise to be had but your feelings matter too.