Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

I’m a step mum and I can’t tell you what I would give to have a friendly relationship with their mother. Or even just for her to be friendly to DH. It’s so much better for the children involved if all the adults can get along. Personally I think you messed up a good thing here. Sure she sounds a bit much and you could have reduced things a bit without going all in on no contact with her. If I were you, I would be prioritising sorting this out.

I absolutely agree she should only be coming into your house when invited, yes. but she's there to visit her children, it's their house too, your husband is obviously over his anger towards her, so its just a polite thing to touch base when you share children. The children learn some good civil adult relationships.

But. I do disagree more about the situation with your child.
I will let you know my position. I have two older teens with ex and a younger child now 6 with husband. My ex has never been too much with my youngest BUT he has always surprised me generally he's an arsehole but he has always taken an interest because his children have a sibling, as have his parents. He gives him a card for birthdays, small gifts and Once even took all three out for the day as the teens wanted that.

Your child has siblings, her acceptance, interest in your child probably comes from that, supporting her children and THEIR family. Long term, all of the parents involved won't be there but they will have each other. It's good if they feel like family, rather than separate families!

The coming into the house while you are not there is the only boundary I think she overstepped. Otherwise it sounds like they had a fantastic co parenting relationship where the kids could see that their parents can get on. Also children can't have too many people that love them, I think it's great that she didn't resent your children but welcomed them into the family. Yabu

This is my post, so I’ll respond. All the more reason to go about this in a completely different manner, if mum and dad managed to figure out an amicable co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children. Even after mum had an affair then that should’ve been preserved for the children’s sake.

Any step-parent who willingly comes along and decides everything needs to change and ruins said co-parenting relationship by going about things in a completely ham fisted way. Introducing upset and acrimony into a previously stable relationship needs to take a good long look at themselves.

Introducing boundaries or setting stricter limits is absolutely normal and fine, but think about all of the children in doing so and go about it in a sensitive more effective manner.

You do sound a bit threatened and jealous of her. It sounds like she was a bit over the top but her heart was in the right place. She was being kind to your children and it sounded like a pretty stable situation for all the children in general with all grown ups getting along and creating a friendly accepting atmosphere for the children. The coming into the house when no one was home did need addressing but it sounds like you’ve used a sledge hammer to crack a nut and now soured everything.

Reading between the lines, I assume you did this because you're worried she and her new partner are on the brink of splitting up and you think she's going to try and get your dp back?

This!

I agree. There are a lot of first wives seemingly on MN and they are very critical of second wives whatever they do unless it's completely rolling over and letting the first wife dictate everything

You think it OK the ex is not allowed to drop off her children?

I mean, a huge issue of many step mums is being left alone for even a short time whilst her partner picks up the DSC because the ex won't get involved in transporting them around.

And plenty of second wives hugely critical of what a first wife does.

So there was a long term arrangement that worked. You went along with it for-how long, maybe 4 years?-then all of a sudden, out of the blue, unilaterally changed it drastically. And you're surprised it's not going well? How do your partner's children feel about the new arrangement?

Sadly I agree

YABU

It sounded like a pretty nice situation before. Have you ever considered that she maybe didn't find it that easy to be that friendly. I'm sure it must have involved effort on her side.

I would revert back to how it was.

I agree. There are a lot of first wives seemingly on MN and they are very critical of second wives whatever they do unless it's completely rolling over and letting the first wife dictate everything.

It's clearly completely unreasonable for her to think she can just swan into your house whenever she wants. How people can call you controlling when this is her behaviour astonishes me. I do think you would have felt less bothered about her being around your children if she hadn't overstepped.

The reactions would have been very different if it had been a MiL you were talking about, and they'd actually be a relative of those children! UANBU at all OP.

Question is did dh really not like the ex coming in or did he just agree with the wife for happy wife happy life.

When it comes to parent’s separation making sure the children are ok is surely number one. These children saw their mother and father having a chat, drinking tea together. They saw their mother open arms accept their step mother and their brand new baby half sibling something many step parents would kill for and you torpedoed all of that because she loved your baby and gave them a hug and kiss?

I find your husband clearly has a type and it’s dominate women doesn’t make you right and her wrong though. It was working for all the children including yours because there was peace and harmony and love.

OP.I’ve been in a similar situation and ultimately blended families are hard. However that is the situation you’ve entered and you need to accept certain aspects of it. The key things that jump out at me is your feelings about your own children. Like it or not they are half siblings to your DHs kids and so total separation is not realistic. It’s much better for the kids for there to be cordial relations and I think you’re being a bit possessive.

I don’t think you’re wrong, but I can understand why it’s pushed the exes nose out.

You’re getting pummelled because it sounds like you walked into a healthy and happy, very established co-parenting relationship

......where the exW took a wrecking ball and ploughed through the family by having an affair, and then added insult to injury by marrying the bloke.

I'd be giving her a wide berth too. A person who does that to the father of their DC is utterly self centred. She did this, and thinks she can come into her ex's house and play happy families there too. She must have an ego the size of a planet.

What are you basing this on ?

Have you ever cuddled her children? She was happy with that. I think the problem is the boundaries being put in place so late, you became friends years after they had split and let her be around your baby, and then took it away when she had done absolutely nothing wrong. This was your issue not hers and it changed the dynamic for her kids too. I can see why she’s upset.

Very surprised by the majority of comments on here. I think your mistake was putting this one in AIBU. Step parents don’t do well in AIBU so sorry you e had such a hard time.

I think some of the boundaries need to be in place. Maybe they should have just been introduced a bit more gently/gradually as it had gone on this way for so long, instead of a sudden change. No way would I be happy with her coming into the house when nobody else was home. I’d have changed the locks (although obviously not helpful once the step kids are old enough to have their own key).
Saying hello and being friendly to your baby is nice, but it sounds as if she was getting too involved. I think I’d have started by taking the child out when she was due to arrive.
I don’t see why she can’t drop the kids at yours, maybe just needed to start making it a quick drop and go. Saying you had plans etc, rather than her coming in for a cuppa all the time.

This issue has been manufactured by you. Are you worried that she has designs on your husband op? I have 2 children of my own and a step-child, and I would be really upset by your behaviour.

I think it's absolutely out of order for her to be able to enter your home when you are not there. My bf ex did this and he tolerated it for ages until I pointed out that it was his home and he didn't have to tolerate it if he didn't want to ! My ex has never stepped foot in my home and we do drop the kids off at the door and they have not turned into psychopaths and it's been nigh on 7 years now. This has included me sometimes waiting in the rain outside for them to come downstairs when I went to collect them.
My kids have step siblings and whilst I have seen them and made appropriate arent they cute noises when born I'd never think of picking up. There's no relationship there and nor does there need to be.
Whilst I think your boundaries are totally reasonable, the unreasonable part is introducing them after an extended period. You may want to relent a bit on some of them as it will have seemed probably quite an aggressive move to suddenly lay in a ton of boundaries. So why not relax a couple eg sure she can come in and drop kids but don't offer her a cup of tea and just keep you & the baby out of sight when she's there as it is just a drop off. Or just hold the baby yourself. Toddlers often hate strangers so I think this will be less of an issue anyway. That seems to be one of the maon concerns for you anyway.
Definitely she doesn't need a key or access to your house when you're not there. But I'd say make a peace offering now maybe say something like "look I realise that this was a big change for you so happy for you to drop kids off as before". Definitely harmonious exes make for happier kids and this change has introduced some issues.

You don't mention how old your step kids are but honestly all this drifts away as they get to teen years as they mostly sort themselves out and there's less need to "interact" with the ex.

So things took a turn for the worse when you 'got information' about her being too familiar with your child and that her marriage was in turmoil. Who gave you that information?

YABU I'm sort of in this situation. Having parents get on is in the best interests of all the children.

We'll never be best friends but ex will often have a beer at handover with our two DC and he's familiar to and has always cuddled my young DC's with current DP. Equally I regularly do childcare and the school run for his DC with new wife. That DC is sibling to my children, of course I care about them.

All my DC's have a close relationship and for that reason DP and I made the decision to name ex and his wife their guardians in our wills should anything happen to us. Just so they can all stay together.

Don't get me wrong, we've had our moments where things have been strained but we talk them through. And the step parents have known where to take a step back to let us figure it out as it's our children that are caught in the middle. We don't need our new partners to dictate our relationship which only exists because of the kids we share. If anyone is overstepping boundaries it's you.

No I just think it's best for the children to see a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I so agree with this. Some children have a lot of stress and fear in their lives-affection from their siblings’ mum isn’t something to put ‘boundaries’ on. And how are you going to police her contact with your children when they have siblings?Letting herself into your house-no-but the rest makes for a relaxed family life.