Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

And of course we have a you knew what you were getting into - how can anyone even type this with a straight face? Twats.

and your DH was happy with it too.

Was he? OP states in her opening post that he agreed with her about the changes but was worried about rocking the boat. That doesn't strike me as someone who's always been super happy with the arrangement. More like someone who's going along with something for an easy life because he knows the other person will kick off if he doesn't. Yeah... Super healthy.

Don't listen OP, the kids are not going to get emotionally scarred. In fact, it's good for them to see healthy boundaries put in place otherwise they'll grow to accept that in their future lives and they'll get walked all over. They're loved and cared for by all of you so they'll be fine.
Get your DH to deal with this

This is about your partner’s co parenting relationship with his ex. It is up to him, not you, how he wants to facilitate the co parenting relationship he has with his ex

Hmmm I disagree with this.

This is obviously an established relationship now (between OP and her partner I mean) of quite some time, with children of their own involved too. This is OPs and her children's home we're talking about here that the ex demands a cup of tea in and lets herself into to pick things up, it's OPs own children she's feeling uncomfortable about. I don't think excusing that as 'nothing to do with you, it's your partner's co parenting relationship with his ex so none of your business' is a good enough excuse anymore. It is OPs business when we're talking about her home and her children and she has as much right as anyone to say I don't want your ex wife letting herself into my home.

I just really strongly disagree with the notion that step parents should just sit quietly and feel uncomfortable in what is equally their home because they married a man with an ex. I married a man with an ex, we all get on fine but she's never just let herself into my house nor has my husband hers! Nor does anyone demand cups of tea and refuse to do a quick collect / chat at the door and go when dropping or collecting the DC.

I agree with PPs above too that 'healthy co parenting relationship' on here often means controlling parent continues to be controlling post separation and the other 'doesn't want to rock the boat'. Thats not my definition of healthy personally. It's not healthy to only go along with someone's behaviour because you don't want to deal with them becoming mad at you no longer doing so and it's a joke really to say as such.

OP, the status quo before all your sudden boundaries was so good for the children and your DH was happy with it too.
It was only you who didn’t like it. Fair enough, you had put up with it for a while so wanted some things to change.

But I think you threw the baby out with the bath water.
Your sudden sweep of big changes wasn’t what your DH wanted as he knew it would rock the boat but you persuaded him anyway, ignoring his concerns.
It was all too much at a time.

And so it was very offensive to the dsc mum, especially as she was suddenly faced with never being allowed interaction with your child as if she was a monster and especially as she was suddenly not allowed over the doorstep. She had been friendly …over friendly maybe….but you made her your enemy. How sad.

In your very determined mission to sweep in your boundaries, did you not stop to think how she would feel …..and therefore how her children would feel and therefore how her children’s father would feel to have this awful upset in their own household. Yes it’s your home too of course but you crashed all the good nature and good will for everybody including yourself, when there was a simple much cleverer alternative. You could have handled it in a less offensive way … introducing barely perceivable changes much more gradually, one at a time so that everybody had chance to get used to it without really noticing.

Is it possible you could try to do something to restore that previous happy atmosphere and good will with your dsc mum so that you no longer feel like the baddie in all this ?

I think in doing that, you will get some of the peace you wanted in the first place.

I think it’s a shame for the children - you have painted yourself as the villain in their eyes. The woman who banned their mum from the house when everyone was getting on so well.

I don’t really understand why it bothers you that she hugs and kisses your small child — but surely you can speak to her about it. Little Emma doesn’t like to be hugged so much - we are teaching high fives instead of hugs?

it doesn’t really make sense - I assume she annoys her oh and you dislike her - but we all have relatives who irk us. It’s best for the kids that they see her you all getting in. You have put yourself first and upended the co- parenting.

when they are grown up they will look at all this and realise you took a bit of comfort and normality away from them.

She sounds annoying and I’d probably find her intrusive, however, you knew what you were getting into. The children will not be if it from these ‘boundaries’. Imagine it from her perspective, she was enjoying a great relationship with all of you. She saw your children as extended family. Then bam, she’s not allowed in the house! She’s right to feel hurt and she’s acting out. I’m sure there is more to the story but I think you need to re-build some bridges.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP only on mums net!!

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom I am in exactly that situation. I'm just not a twat. But I suspect you're right.

She is! She’s just not allowed to waltz in and make demands anymore.

I suspect the people bashing her are women with ex partners who have new partners and possibly more children. They’re triggered because in this story, they’d fall into the role of the adulterous (in this version) ex wife, and so they’re feeling defensive.

You are not being unreasonable OP. I can't believe some of the comments on here.

I don't know how healthy a co-parenting relationship it was-waltzing in is not healthy. It sends mixed signals to the kids. The EX cheated, she can't assume she can waltz into her ex husband's private space/home like that. He has moved on, she has moved and it seems one sided, favouring her.

I would get your partner to deal with this. You can voice your concerns to him and he should talk to her about it.

The only boundary that was needed was her not letting herself into the house when you're both not there. The rest of it was a great co-parenting relationship that was healthy for the kids that you have demolished for what?

But it wasn’t healthy! What’s healthy about the father being scared to rock the boat with the mother, who would barge into his home, make demands, and turned massively on her ex partner’s new wife as soon as she tried to instil decent and respectful boundaries? One being too afraid to say no, is not healthy and it’s not amicable.

Tough. My DH's ex has never met be despite me offering. She's not going near my child without meeting me first.

I have no idea why you're getting a bashing. Probably the only thing you did wrong was to allow it to continue for so long. You don't have to have her in your house if you don't want to. My stepkids get dropped at the gate and they're not emotionally scarred.

"And yeah over familiar. If she doesn't even like the kids mum why would mum let her near her child?" Because the child is her children's sibling.

And yeah over familiar. If she doesn't even like the kids mum why would mum let her near her child

That child is nothing to do with her. She has no need to be cuddling it.

The other problem is different expectations. They obviously expected and were happy with a big blended family, perhaps an it over involved and with weird dynamics a bit like Modern Family, whereas I think you expected a Venn diagram family - you, him, your kids & her seperately and his kids in the middle.

"There's a massive difference between resenting them and cuddling them and being over familiar."

The baby is her children's sibling-not a random baby in a supermarket! "Over familiar"? Bloody hell.

Sounds like it once was a nice coparenting relationship. She loved your child and treated it like family. Now you've established boundaries, she no longer treats you like family. Now she's treating you, how you treat her. It's not rocket science. Your kids are siblings so their mum is a part of your family, whether you like it or not. So the fact she was nice and agreeable was a bonus, until you ruined the relationship. It's not too late to welcome her back? Perhaps talk to her.

I dont think the boundaries are the problem, it's the timing.

The way she probably sees it, and possibly your partner, is that you were happy with the set up and when your baby arrived you went from a chilled out blended family, to banishing her from the house (the kids will have also picked up on the change of pick up/drop off).

Playing devils advocate, it could be seen as you presenting one way until you have a baby and he is deeply invested and then changing the rules, at which point it's not easy for either of them to say that you dont fit into their relationship.

Whilst she isnt biologically your childrens family, she is part of it to some extent because she is a huge part of their siblings lives. They will hear stories about her and get a sense of who she is.

I think had you put rules in place to begin with, you would all have been on clearer ground. As it stands, you probably have some compromising to do. Id start by allowing pick ups and drop offs.

It may not be your ideal but a compromise would be in the interests of him, her and the kids. The current set up of pick ups and drop offs only really suits you.

Asking gently, does it bother you when she holds the baby as it reminds you of them as a couple and you feel creeped out like she is pretending him, her and the baby are like the first time around?

That's a really odd way of looking at it. There's a massive difference between resenting them and cuddling them and being over familiar.

They are seperate families though. Like two overlapping circles. There is no need for the ex and the DC and even OP to be in the middle bit. Just the kids.