Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

But there's a massive middle ground. And the time to put boundaries in place was at the beginning, on husbands terms.

Nobody said that you are hideous - you are really coming across as a drama queen now though.

Actually, someone did say that, but MN removed it.

Obviously different people have different boundaries but I'd personally never accept my husband giving a key to his ex to our home. It just wouldn't happen, I don't want her coming in when she wants, I don't want to feel like I have to worry about my dirty washing being on display or pots in the sink (I know I know I'm sure she's not bothered but still) and it's my home so I do get a say on that whether or not my husband happens to have children with someone else.

I'm not a first, second or subsequent wife. I'm not a step parent. But I'm old enough to have seen a lot of step families- amazing, good, bad and appalling. The amazing and good ones tend to have very similar features. The grown ups all work together to make a happy, secure environment for the children. And suddenly changing the parameters of that relationship after what must be at least 4 years is not doing that. It's putting grown ups first. Which is not good.

i agree with you op . But you won’t win this one on mumsnet I am afraid .

@Bathintheshed

If a woman posted on here and said her new husband was fine with the status quo until they had a baby together, and has now banned ex from drop offs, everyone would be saying this is a massive red flag.

“My ex husband keeps letting himself into our house when we’re not there, he tends to barge in and demand I make him a cup of tea, and he’s also being quite overfamiliar with mine and my husband’s children. Picking them up and kissing them and being a bit territorial, like they’re his. I know he’s having issues in his relationship. Anyway, my husband wants to have some boundaries, like he can’t let himself in anymore, and he just drops the kids off at the door rather than coming in. I’m worried about him kicking off. What do I do?”

There’s no rational thinking poster that would find in favour of the boundary-less ex husband. Be serious.

It’s just triggered women behind the verbal abuse of this OP.

But there was nothing to stop her putting this boundary in place. No need to ban her from the area. Ofcourse that was going to be viewed with hostility.

Some of the things you said at the beginning were over familiar in my opinion, like her going into your house when you were not there and this needed to stop.

But you seem to have gone completely overboard and have now banished her from the house altogether for example. I am not surprised she has taken issue with you blowing up a previously amicable co-parenting agreement. I note you only did that when your own children came along too.

YANBU to want to set boundaries…it could be confusing for all involved for her to be involved in your lives.

The issue is that they’d established their dynamic before you came along and it’s very hard to undo that…it would have been easier if there’d been an obvious trigger ie moving house to put a stop to it, IYSWIM.

No its what should have gone on but the boundaries weren't in place soon enough it's up to DH to step up and sort it out

And no I'm not a first wife. I do have a good relationship with my older half brothers mum though and see how this has benefitted him.

Imagine if the ex wives husband had the same attitude, suddenly in becomes an unhealthy tit for tat, the children will hang around in tesco car park waiting for you.

Well this is only comparable if OPs partner plans on going into her house and demanding she make him a brew and letting himself in randomly when she's not there. If he's just planning on going and collecting / dropping the children then leaving then it's not comparable is it? One is necessary, the other is not.

She is. She's a complete no one to that child. If DH died then OP wouldn't have to have anything to do with her.

"Tough. My DH's ex has never met be despite me offering. She's not going near my child without meeting me first."
I agree. Absolutely. That's not what's going on here though, is it?

Have you even read the thread? Have you seen some of the verbal abuse that first wives posters have thrown at her?

She said in the OP collection is to be from ex wives address. Imagine if the ex wives husband had the same attitude, suddenly in becomes an unhealthy tit for tat, the children will hang around in tesco car park waiting for you.

Alot of woman on here seem to have the attitude of put the bitch in her place, she cheated after all, you're the woman of the house now. The cheating is totally irrelevant. I highly doubt the ex wive gives a toss about the new baby. She will have shown an interest for her DCs sake. Yes she was most certainly over familiar but the OP knew what she was getting into. The priority should be the children, not some woman who chose to marry a man with children. And there is a massive middle ground between putting boundaries in place and banning the ex wife from drop offs.

If a woman posted on here and said her new husband was fine with the status quo until they had a baby together, and has now banned ex from drop offs, everyone would be saying this is a massive red flag.

I haven't read all of the posts by others, just the first few but my situation in similar in that me and my cd's dad split due to his infidelity. I have now been with my dp for 4 years (although we don't live together, he is here quite a lot).

When my ex picks our dc up, he comes in and waits for them to be ready. Yesterday my eldest wanted him to look at something in his bedroom so he went upstairs. If he has them for the weekend, he often comes here to get thigs they have forgotten and sometimes I am not here (he has a key). I bought him out of the family home but I also have a key for his place for the same reason.

I think my dp found it a little unusual to start with as he has nothing to do with his ex but he respects that this is what works for us and our dc and that this was in place before I met him and my dc always come before anything or anyone else.

We also go out as a 4 for the dc's birthdays and we all go to special events together (performances, etc). Sometimes dp will come but often not his thing.

My ex has recently got a new gf and last time I picked our dc up from his, she was there with her toddler and we all had a chat together.

I'd much rather it this way than any animosity or awkwardness for us or the dc.

You think it OK the ex is not allowed to drop off her children?

I think if she'd have behaved reasonably to start with i.e. not strolling into their house and not leaving until she's had a cup of tea or letting herself in when the occupants aren't there then she'd probably still be fine to drop her children off there.

If my husbands ex was just letting herself into my house whenever she wanted too I'd be telling her that in future DH will do the dropping off as well. Why should I have to accept that?

The only one controlling here is the ExW. She clearly gets what she wants and is now having a tantrum and being petty and dragging the kids into this. If she was a mature caring and considerate mother, she would respect the fact that she crapped on that relationship first, that she has moved on, that she should respect that her ExH has moved on and has a new family. Her behaviour has been enabled for a long time and that is the problem. She could do with boundaries. She should not let this get in the way of raising healthy and happy children anyway.

Stand your ground OP.

In your very determined mission to sweep in your boundaries, did you not stop to think how she would feel …..and therefore how her children would feel and therefore how her children’s father would feel to have this awful upset in their own household. Yes it’s your home too of course but you crashed all the good nature and good will for everybody including yourself, when there was a simple much cleverer alternative. You could have handled it in a less offensive way … introducing barely perceivable changes much more gradually, one at a time so that everybody had chance to get used to it without really noticing

Do you hear that, OP? You should have put yourself and your baby last. The first wife is much more important than you, and should be treated as such. Especially by you.

That load of tripe must have been written by a first wife…

Yes.

Nobody said that you are hideous - you are really coming across as a drama queen now though. You knew what you were getting into, and nothing you have decsribed seems awful - they have a good parenting relationship and aren't throwing the crockery! That is a good model for the children - all of them including yours. You sound really precious and objecting to someone giving your child a cuddle or a kiss - this isn't some complete stranger. I think some boundaries are appropropriate, but not to the extent or with the speed that you have put them in place. Just walking in to your home - that's not on if that is what she is doing. But inviting her in - what harm is there in that?

She shouldn't be letting herself in, by the way. Easily solved by locking the door so she has to knock.

No. I think its unreasonable to be constantly messaging your ex, waltzing into his house (and that of his wife) and demanding to be made a cup of tea, dropping into their house when they're not in. Also the treating their child as if it's their own is a bit weird.

To me it's like she thinks because she was once married to the DH she still has some kind of ownership over him and that extends to his house and his children that aren't hers. I'd want to put some boundaries in around that. If you wouldn't then that's up to you, but the OP is not being unreasonable.

And I've read a lot of MN posts about second wives doing loads for the SC and being given the runaround by first wives, so it goes both ways. What you don't get is a second wives club piling it like you do the first wives club. And I'm not either so am looking at it objectively, unlike you I suspect.

The time to set boundaries was at the start. It’s difficult to introduce them retrospectively without causing major upset as you have seen.

Trying to keep the peace for fear of rocking the boat is counterproductive - it has just introduced more maelstrom in the long run.

As things are the situation that you’ve created will take time to fix, I suspect with a bit of compromise from both sides.

i see where you are coming from. And I sympathise, dhs ex is around our house a lot (me and dh don’t have kids). But fortunately she’s ok and we get on fine. Though sometimes it feels like my house isn’t mine. But it’s been such a help over the years that we all basically get on, there’s a long haul ahead of weddings, graduations, funerals etc.

so yes you need boundaries but just because she’s the ex it doesn’t mean she’s not part of the family….