Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

It sounds like they had a great (if a little overbearing) co-parenting relationship & you stomped all over it.
Yabu

Apologise to her sincerely (& mean it) tell her you were feeling insecure. Whatever.

You're being utterly ridiculous, why wouldn't you want her to be lovely to your kids?

The only thing i would have put a stop to is the letting herself in, but that could have been done so easily with a lock change & a breezy " oh we lost keys" and then keep forgetting to give her the bew ones.

You're difficult and you've made your husband and his kids life more difficult and you've got more problems coming your way.

She'll likely invite your DH to her kids special occasions and your kids won't be allowed anywhere near - all you will have done is hurt hour own DH & your own kids, who would probably love to be with their siblings at special times.

Silly silly attitude to take. You sound very needy & controlling

I doubt the ex wife sees the DC as part of her family- she won't be leaving anything to them in her will presumably or paying uni fees!

It's all a bit like the ex is "queen bee". She's not. She's an outsider to the family unit that DH, OP and the kids are in. They aren't one family they are two familys

You say she's not related, apart from the mother of your children's siblings. Isn't that quite significant no not really.

Mumsnet: “Have boundaries, you weak and pathetic woman. I am so angered by your uselessness.

“Unless you’re a second wife and stepmother, then boundaries make you a hideous and poisonous bitch. I am so angered by your audacity. Won’t someone think of my the children.”

😆 this place is the pits sometimes.

Exactly this. I am casually dating a man where there is a lot of emeshment and poor boundaries, largely dictated by the ex wife but passively accepted by him. It's one of the reasons why we are just casually dating! She is just continuing the dynamic of how they were when married and has to be placated and handled with kid gloves for the sake of harmony re children.

As a stepmother, I agree that some boundaries need to be put in place.

However, and gently, you do seem like you've bulldozed a decent co-parenting situation because you're worried for some reason.

You say she's not related, apart from the mother of your children's siblings. Isn't that quite significant??

If me and my DH died, I would really want my DHs ex-wife (the mother of my child's siblings) to enable a relationship between my DS and his sisters.

I don't see the problem with her showing love and affection to your child. Surely that's a positive thing? She could have been vile.

Maybe reflect on why you need these boundaries as it seems like its because insecurities in your own relationship.

It's not that it's not hers it's that it's part of her children's new family and she is not part of that

And if she wants a cup of tea that bad get her a flask

I think YANBU to want to enforce some boundaries when it comes to your kids.

Some of the replies here are overly harsh.

If you and your partner are on the same page then I don't see any issues with keeping your kids away from her.

Yeah it's weird

@Bananarepublic But it's (at a guess) 4 years on, and the OP has only decided to impose these boundaries when it looks as if the "first wife"'s relationship is turning rocky. Which is odd. And a time when the children need all the security and consistence they can get.

You are right to have boundaries. Keep them in place. No way should she enter your house and have a tea and no way should she be holding your kids. She can exchange the kids in a supermarket car park seeing that she’s bad morning you. Is she paying for kids correctly? Check on this and if necessary do get her financial contribution looked at. It sounds like she should be paying more.

You clearly took it too far, and I wonder what you initially suggested to your husband if this is not all of it being implemented.

you use the right words, ie boundaries etc, but in reality you behaved like a jealous and threatened new partner and tried to control the relationship and get her away. I mean she can’t drop off, wtf.

I would give it some thought and try to pull it back. You’ve not done good here. And it reflects poorly on you and quite frankly your husband that he was weak enough to go along with this.

Cuddling a baby and becoming territorial and overfamiliar with a baby that your ex husband feathered with his new wife, alongside letting yourself into their home in their absence…you don’t think that’s weird??

Wow. You’ve got a low bar.

Well it's weird if you're giving the impression it's like your child and you're obsessed with it, as reported to the OP.

I won’t bore you with how difficult DH’s ex was - but her fondness for my biological children was lovely. Remember the children are siblings - and yes I was more than happy for her to cuddle and kiss them.

Yeah I mean tbh the ex wife isn't the centre of the family is she so I don't see why they need to pander to her.

I think you're getting a hard time here because she's a mother.

If we switched things up and you were a step dad and he was a cheating ex husband, the story would look like this.

"My DW's exH has steamrolled his way into her life and home ever since they divorced (after he ran off with his OW).

Since we got married and had kids it's got even worse, especially as by all accounts the relationship with OW is now floundering and he's flirting with my DW.

We put in some boundaries to stop him coming to our house whenever we fancied and to keep the things kids-focused, but he's really pushing back against that and demanding to be a bigger part of our lives.

He also wants to be part of my & DW's DC lives (possibly because he missed so much of his own DCs younger years by spending his free time shagging the OW rather than parenting).

Neither I, nor my DW, are happy with this. We have DSC 50/50, want things to be amicable, but we are not his best mate and my DW is not going to get back with him.

How do we get him to respect our boundaries?"

I think you would have got a very different response to the above OP.

Actually-I think the weird Mumsnet thing on here is that there is something weird and suspicious about cuddling a baby that's not yours....

The operative word is all. I am not getting the impression that the ex-wife is wanting to work together or consider what is best for both families. She is putting her own needs first and foremost. If she hadn't been overstepping then I don't think there would be any need to change parameters.

The DH wasn't happy with the behaviour, he just didn't want to rock the boat. If you want to be treated reasonably, then behave in a reasonable way. What might have been more acceptable before the OP was on the scene is clearly going to change when it became her house too.

OP obviously knows the people involved here better than us and it seems to be didn't believe she would respect that.

Also I think saying she's banned from the area is a bit much. She hasn't put a restraining order on her. They've just said that dad will collect and drop off from now on (clearly because OP doesn't believe his ex can be reasonable if she comes to their house).

Really why does it matter? It she's not planning on coming in and being OTT with OPs children, what difference does it make to her if their dad drops them at hers instead?

Well, they’re putting them in now. Or sesh I suggesting that because they didn’t phase them in at the beginning, it’s too much for the poor ex wife that they simply shouldn’t try now, that they just live with her unreal behaviour?

I agree she shouldn't let herself in. But I assume she's not thumping the table and demanding tea? There's a difference between "Tea! Now!" and "ooh, is the kettle on?"

Wouldn't bother me. How lovely for your step kids to see such a good relationship between their mum and step mum.

Honestly, you sound a little worried about her trying to get back with your partner.

You knew what the set up was when you met him, i don't really understand why after all this time you suddenly want to put such strict boundaries in place

I think there are all different types of blended family dynamics. We have a drop off at the front door arrangement with DP's ex at both houses. Early on, ex was invited in by the SDC to have a look at their newly decorated bedrooms in our house but beyond that she's never been inside and we don't have cups of tea etc with each other. It's all civil but very much agreed that the houses are each other's spaces - the children have the right to roam wherever they want but as adults we respect each other's spaces.

DP's ex has kindly bought a couple of items for my DC (not birthday) but she only says hello and asks how my DC is - she wouldn't swoop in and cuddle and kiss my DC. She treats my DC respectfully and kindly as she would any other children - which doesn't need to include kisses and cuddles.

I can see that in other blended families there might be different dynamics with a lot more integration but that has to be where all the parties are comfortable.

To my reading, your DH's ex sounds like she was overly enmeshed in your lives. It's difficult when you first come into the relationship to set down boundaries (and not be the evil step mum!) and it's hard when those arrangements have been in place - it's hard either way!

Ultimately, it's your house (whether it was the family home before or not is meaningless) and it's your DC. If you don't want someone in your house and touching your child that's your right to hold that boundary. I'm really surprised at PP jumping on you for that - apparently step-P lose their house and parenting rights and are second class citizens.

Agree it needs to be your DH who holds the line though - she is HIS ex and not yours. He needs to be on board and while it's hard for him to, that's the responsibility that comes with being a partner and a parent.