Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Obviously different people have different boundaries but I'd personally never accept my husband giving a key to his ex to our home. It just wouldn't happen, I don't want her coming in when she wants, I don't want to feel like I have to worry about my dirty washing being on display or pots in the sink (I know I know I'm sure she's not bothered but still) and it's my home so I do get a say on that whether or not my husband happens to have children with someone else.

Really? That depends on how many times someone has been married, doesn't it? There could be three or more (ex) wives. And if someone else describes people as "first wives" (which the poster I answered did) then it is entirely appropropriate to continue the same categorisation to make the point.

OP, the status quo before all your sudden boundaries was so good for the children and your DH was happy with it too.
It was only you who didn’t like it. Fair enough, you had put up with it for a while so wanted some things to change.

But I think you threw the baby out with the bath water.
Your sudden sweep of big changes wasn’t what your DH wanted as he knew it would rock the boat but you persuaded him anyway, ignoring his concerns.
It was all too much at a time.

And so it was very offensive to the dsc mum, especially as she was suddenly faced with never being allowed interaction with your child as if she was a monster and especially as she was suddenly not allowed over the doorstep. She had been friendly …over friendly maybe….but you made her your enemy. How sad.

In your very determined mission to sweep in your boundaries, did you not stop to think how she would feel …..and therefore how her children would feel and therefore how her children’s father would feel to have this awful upset in their own household. Yes it’s your home too of course but you crashed all the good nature and good will for everybody including yourself, when there was a simple much cleverer alternative. You could have handled it in a less offensive way … introducing barely perceivable changes much more gradually, one at a time so that everybody had chance to get used to it without really noticing.

Is it possible you could try to do something to restore that previous happy atmosphere and good will with your dsc mum so that you no longer feel like the baddie in all this ?

I think in doing that, you will get some of the peace you wanted in the first place.

It's not "second wife" it's just wife.

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

I am getting fair pummeled here, not sure I can take any more for one night. But I asked for unbiased opinions so that's what I got so I have some thinking to do. I do think though that some of the posters did jump into conclusions a bit too fast; there's only so much one can say in one post without making it too long (which i did already), the small nuances, which are important do get lost.

Yes I read it thank you. At the point when she said this there had been no abuse at all, and I am not seeing any abuse - different opinions yes, but not abuse. If you can see any actual abuse please to report it to MHHQ who will delete it. But having a different opinion than yours (or hers) is not abuse. Although making assumptions that different opinions are just being posted by "first wives" is pretty judgemental / abusive in itself. Aren't "first wives" allowed opinions? I guess you must be a "second wife"???

Have you even read the thread? Have you seen some of the verbal abuse that first wives posters have thrown at her?

What on earth is wrong with that?! It's great that they can bond! When the kids are much older it will mean your child feels comfortable around her, to approach her & visit their siblings at their house during the teen years etc 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am sorry that i have come across as hideous. There's seeing my children and there's cuddling and kissing my children. Would you be happy with that for your children?

That’s exactly it. I think some first wives feel a bit like they retained partial ownership of the man for being there first. And they throw their weight around.

I am getting fair pummeled here, not sure I can take any more for one night. But I asked for unbiased opinions so that's what I got so I have some thinking to do. I do think though that some of the posters did jump into conclusions a bit too fast; there's only so much one can say in one post without making it too long (which i did already), the small nuances, which are important do get lost.

It's all a bit like the ex is "queen bee". She's not. She's an outsider to the family unit that DH, OP and the kids are in. They aren't one family they are two familys