Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Do people really feel so insecure that they think everyone "wants"
Their ex back.

Ha ha ha ha

She didn't even want his golden cock when it was hers.
She preferred someone else's & married him!
She didn't love him then
She doesn't want him back now

A LOT of current wife's on here are clearly so so so insecure. Jesus wept.

I agree with this too.

For the kids involved an amicable and friendly relationship between their parents is hugely beneficial. I know lots of families where the exs stay friendly and coparent really well, my aunt even has christmas with her ex (includign new families on both sides) every year. Those types of situations always seem to wor out better for the kids and, I think, for the grown ups too.

It's fine to have some boundaries, but banning her from your house is extreme. I think you are doing damage to the coparenting relationship and to your step children by being so rigid. I also think that putting up with the mother of your SC is part and parcel of getting in to the type of relationship y ou entered into,.

She should be allowed to drop the kids off but she doesn’t need to go in your house either.

Why would she even want to?!

Block her and just ignore her.

I wouldn’t let my kids near dsd mum let alone give them a kiss. She’s no one to them.

well no, she's not allowed to drop her children off anymore. That's one of the 'boundaries' that has been put in.

I don't agree she should be coming in the house - probably ever - but the OP really shouldn't be stopping her and her exDH being able to effectively manage the movement of children between houses.

You are not being unreasonable,this woman has overstepped the mark and likely has designs on getting her ex back since her marriage isn’t going well, I’d suggest her being all over your kids ,is an act for your husband.
Your husband needs to grow a pair and have serious words with her.

I totally understand where you are coming from however that set up was in place from the beginning so you should have either walked away or accepted it. I know you may feel uncomfortable with your children around her but she probably feels a connection as they are her childrens siblings. I know people who have such a good relationship with their exs like this where they come around and see their new children. I think you should maybe have some counselling to see if you can work around this. The best solution would be for you to speak to her on your own and tell her how it made you feel but you realise that this wasn’t the right way and your messed everything up. She will then have a lot more respect for you and going forward will hopefully be aware of how you feel and try not to overstep the mark but you definitely need to be friends with her as she’s going to cause you a lot of misery for the rest of your life if you don’t. As they say keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

Is she disease ridden? Perfectly acceptable to limit kisses to not newborns but that's anyone, and to if the child wants the thereafter but it's s a massive drip feed to declare she's forcing your child to be cuddled against their will

You are in the wrong. She sounds like she was making a real effort with your kids and you stopped that good relationship.

Soz OP but you sound bonkers - " she can't cuddle my baby".
The only real issue I can see was her coming in to your house when you weren't home. I wouldn't want anyone to do that. Just ask for your key back or as pp suggested change the locks and don't give her a new one ( or get a keypad lock and don't give her the code). If she desperately needs to get in one day you can give her the code - and then change it when necessary. Not super hard.
It sounds like she tried hard to be friendly for years and suddenly you have turned on her.
Also, remember kids grow up. Very fast. Are your children going to be happy with the decisions you are making now when they are a bit older? Worth thinking about.

Well DH’s ex partner has only ever done one pick up in circa 12 years so we don’t have that problem!

Why can’t she make your DH tea in her house when he picks up/drops off if they want to model a good relationship? Or at least have it 50/50?

I understand why you don’t want her hugging and kissing your children. My DHs ex would call me names, abused us both, had a long list of things I wasn’t allowed to do with her child, told my DSD my DDs with DH weren’t her real siblings when I was pregnant etc. The we saw her at an event when my DD was eight weeks old and she she wanted to hold her. No fucking way!

And no. I was not the other woman and there was no overlap.

I know I will get abuse for this but Mumsnet is full of people that tell you to set boundaries, that no one has a right to kiss and hug your child regardless of their relationship, waltz into your house or generally be a CF unless of course you are the ‘second wife’ or the ‘second child’ and then you should just tolerate everything the ex wants because it’s ‘best for the kids’.

How did you go about it? Did you/partner actually tell her these new rules?

I would have just slowly stopped inviting her in. Def changed the locks. Bit bemused why holding baby would be an issue tbh. Not sure why she had to stop coming to your house for pick ups and drop offs - that is a bit too controlling

People are ignoring the fact that the previous arrangements were in place for 4/5 years......

I think you are right! There should be strict boundaries. As soon as you and your dp lived together then she should be stopping at the front door. This could change over the next few years and that is fine too. One day you may want to invite her in, but only when she knows her place!!
Perhaps she is just jealous.

YABU for sure. The whole post is essentially that you're insecure and so you've ruined a perfectly good coparenting relationship. At no point have you spoken about what is best for the children in this situation, which I suspect is because you know that what is best for the children would be maintaining a good relationship with their mum.

I really don't understand what your problem was tbh, she was friendly, welcoming, happy to have you in her kids lives and happy and loving towards your child. Many step parents would kill for that welcoming from the ex. But instead you've blown it all up, and for what?

I think you need to understand that this woman isn't just an ex, she's the mother of your partners children. She will always be in his life (at least while the kids are still kids)

You've destroyed what could have been a great blended family and coparenting relationship.

Try to get back on friendly terms with the ex.
It should be fine for her to call in when she drops off the kids.

Ask your husband to relax the rules with the excuse that you are more confident with your baby now that it is older, had it's shots etc.

Boundaries that stop things that really upset you should be maintained. ie All guests should knock and phone before coming over.
Compromise.

@Spirallingdownwards

I'm both ex wife and new wife actually.

My DH and his wife split up a long time ago. I have adult dsc and to be honest I like my DH ex wife better than the kids!

There gave been numerous events where I've been very very grateful to her for including me. (Graduations, engagements weddings etc) it was her who insisted I was on top table for example.

I'm secure in my relationship.

Recently one our our grandkids (my step grandkids) has been very ill & it's been so so so wonderful that we can all be supportive together.

Rather than having to hover outside doors.

Equally she's lovely to my daughter.

She's Not overly familiar (I mean she would
Never let herself in) - no need now obvs but she just wouldn't.

As for my ex. Well we don't see him and he doesn't see his children. Abusive arse. Weird as his girlfriend was lovely.

It takes all sorts.

In my opinion it comes down to security.
My husband loves & prioritises me, I've no need to create weird little rules to satisfy myself I'm the main woman.

I just am in his and my kids life.
But
I'm respectful to my dsc mother as she is to me. It makes for a harmonious life.

Some people like OP and presumably you, live off drama.

I couldn't be bothered with all that drama -

shudders.

I think you're overlooking the importance of your stepchildren's need to have a good relationship with all the adults in the blended family. Try and see this from their point of view, and consider how this may feel for them. However much you feel uncomfortable about it, you and your DH still need to have a reasonably amicable relationship with their mother so that they don't feel that they're caught in the crossfire.

Yes, she needs to adjust her boundaries and letting herself into your home is intrusive and I can understand how uncomfortable that is for you. Asking for that to stop is entirely reasonable. But insisting on changing the drop off and pick up arrangements must be difficult for them. It could well seem to them that you are a destabilising element and they may resent you for that. I think it's especially sensitive when they have a new half-sibling, and resentment could easily spill over into resenting the little one.

I have been a stepmother, and I know from experience that having a good relationship with your stepchildren makes things much more harmonious for everyone, including you. The interests of the children - all the children - must come first.

I 100% agree with you putting in boundaries .. you will snared on here for being a step mum .. but coming from a similar position you need to ensure it's your home and whilst she is the children's mum she has no rights for coming and going in your home. Drop off and pick ups are more than suffice given the circumstances..

Ex wife is sufficient and wife for the current wife

OP, this is mumsnet, and you’re a SM, so you won’t be able to do right for most of these posters.

YANBU, in fact it’s amazing you tolerated the setup for so long. Basically the ex is allowed to move on but your DH isn’t? For some people, once a relationship is over where there was controlling or poor behaviour or infidelity for example, the kids are all that is left to exercise a bit of control.

i think from your post, the only thing I’d have a problem with from her is letting herself in when no one’s home. That’s overstepping to me and would make me really uncomfortable.

I'm assuming there's never any physical contact between you and her children either?

These things do tend to change and evolve over time. So if you do want to make some changes back you can. But nothing major. You don't need to have someone in your life stirring behind your back.