Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

Let's refresh what OP actually said ex wife was doing that she and her DH decided to push back on.
constant messaging
Unnecessary and intrusive. Standard advice is to get a phone purely for Comms with ex to maintain boundaries.
inviting herself in
Unnecessary and intrusive, not to mention rude. Imagine a MIL was doing this - the advice would not be just to accept to keep the peace.
ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea
Sorry what now? I don't even "order" my own husband to make me a cup of tea. I might chance my arm and ask him to stick the kettle on while he's in the kitchen but I don't miss him around, nor would I consider it a "healthy" relationship if I did.
Dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house
Completely outrageous behaviour on every level. This should never have been allowed from the very start. Again, imagine telling a wife she must tolerate her MIL doing this "for the sake of the poor kids". It wouldn't happen.
And now this batshit woman has been told to back the fuck off, OP is the bad one and ex is deliberately poisoning things for her own children instead of gracefully accepting that another womans home and husband are no longer her domain?
And so many posters think this is acceptable?
What the fuck.

The only reason the ex is bad mouthing the OP is because she’s been badly treated by her for no good reason other than the OP now seeing her as a threat because she believes her marriage is on the rocks. The nasty behaviour wasn’t there before the ‘boundaries’ were enforced, they started because of them.

The ex wife doesn’t have any kids with her new partner so she’s probably jealous. There are ways to be polite and then there’s pushy behaviour that over steps. The ex should be grateful her kids are well looked after by their stepmother but she’s bitching and being nasty. I’d be checking how much she’s paying for her kids to be sure that the dad isn’t paying more than he should.

I get where you're coming from, OP, but to suddenly say she's not welcome in your house and cut her off from her children's step siblings was never going to lead anywhere good. You say your boundaries are normal but they weren't normal in this case; you change the rules and the fallout has damaged your own relationship. I'd talk about it to your DH and listen to him, finding a way to move forward that is better for both of you.

I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.

Written by the OP in one of just three posts. Surely you saw it?

Also, the line about saying that if the OP wouldn’t allow the ex to be involved with her children, then the ex didn’t want the OP being involved with the step children. It’s madness that some people cannot or will not see the difference there. The OP’s children have nothing to do with her. The OP helps parent the step kids half of the week. The ex is simply throwing her weight around and inserting herself into her ex (that she cheated on) ‘s new family, because she feels entitled to do so. And because I rather suspect she is naturally more assertive (bolshy) than the OP is.

It’s high time the really odd and unhealthy dynamic was stopped. And the fact that the ex turned abusive as soon as they asserted boundaries, does nothing but prove that to be true.

The most successful co-parenting situations I have seen, are those where all children are involved and loved across both households. For example, one set of parents have a weekend away, all kids are at the other household who treat them all like their own, giving kiss and cuddle at bedtime, saying ‘love you’ for example. All of the kids I have known who experienced this grew up to be really confident, well-adjusted adults so I’m all in favour.

I suggest that the dad tries for full custody

yeah, just what those kids need. A custody battle. What a suggestion.

After OP banned her form the house on teh basis that she was, allegedly, obsessed with OP's DH and her baby... That wasn't going to go down well was it? I am not sure what OP was expecting

The OP says that the biological mother/ex wife is bad mouthing her. That’s unacceptable. The OP needs strong boundaries against such nasty behaviour and to protect her own kids from this mean person. As the biological mother is threatening to keep her kids away from their dad because of her own horrid bitchy behaviour I suggest that the dad tries for full custody.

OP, you knew the situation when you got together, and you accepted that your partner has a good relationship with his ex. You even made an effort to get on with her yourself. You allowed your own insecurity to ruin that, based on rumours that the ex’s marriage was on the rocks. This woman cheated on your partner, and married the man she cheated with. Why would you jump to the conclusion that she would want him back if the marriage fails ? Or did you view this as a golden opportunity to set the boundaries you’ve obviously wanted in place for some time ?

I don’t know why you’re surprised by the ex’s reaction. She’s done nothing wrong and probably doesn’t understand the reason for the dramatic change - you’re obviously not the person she thought you were and now you’re showing your true colours. That’s how she’ll see it, and that’s why she’s hostile, so the problems she’s causing now are of your own making and the strain on your own relationship is a knock on effect of the strain you have put on your partners’ co-parenting relationship with his ex. I don’t think there is any way to put this right that doesn’t involve a climb down on your part and an apology to your partner, and possibly his ex.

You're being completely reasonable, OP. You DH has to man up and deal with it. This ridiculous situation is on him.

"I wouldn't like that situation with the ex wife but I wouldn't have waited until I had a child to change things."

2 children. 4/5 years.

Maybe the ex wife is worried her kids might be pushed away after your new boundaries with her.
Whatever the reasons were for their marriage breaking down isn't really relevant- she's still the mother of his children and if they coparent surely it's nicer fir everyone if there's a friendly atmosphere.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it.

Your partner is in the middle of it because he has some sympathy with the ex wife and clearly wouldn't have established boundaries if you hadn't pushed him into it. If he believed in the boundaries then it wouldn't be so hard.

I wouldn't like that situation with the ex wife but I wouldn't have waited until I had a child to change things. Ideally your h would have acted earlier but there's a reason why he did the whole cup of tea etc - he liked it that way. It might be that going along with what his xw wants is the easiest way to manage her but you made yourself into the baddie by pushing him into it and it sounds like she's aware that you talked him into it. A man who believed in boundaries would have done it earlier. I suspect that your h has told her that this change is coming from you too which has made you the target of her wrath. If you split up I suspect that he'd revert to tea again.

I agree with those saying YABU.

Do you cuddle and kiss hers?

You're present when she's with your kids, she's not there when you're with hers

You should’ve just left things the way they were. No one is going to take it well when you’re told you’re not welcome in someone’s house when you’ve been used to going in for a chit-chat, cuppa tea and a cuddle with the new baby.

She was never going to react well was she? Keep your friends close, and enemies closer.

Exactly what I thought too. It doesn’t sound healthy at all. But because she’s the first wife she can do as she pleases of course.

I think it’s a pity this has happened. You were modelling a wonderful relationship for all of your children that would have allowed them to feel comfortable and loved within your relationships. Seeing you all getting on was fabulous. Now the step children will notice the change in your relationship with their mother which is sad. I think this will impact on your relationship with your step children and between your biological child and your step children.

This.

Would you rather she treated your children as though they were pieces of furniture? Ignored them? Pushed them out of the way? Brought sweets/ gifts for her own DC, but nothing for yours.

They are YOUR children - they will know who their mother is - she is like an auntie to them, nothing more. Would you stop an auntie from hugging your children?

IMO the more loving people there are in a child's life, the better.

What's the abuse? I'm failing to see it.

I wouldn’t want her in my house. Nor crossing boundaries with my children. Especially if she’s become abusive towards me.

The previous arrangement only ‘worked’ because they let the ex do whatever she wanted. Now they’ve asserted themselves, she’s kicked off. Which suggests to me, it was never a healthy set up and it was long overdue.

The only one causing problems is the disrespectful and now abusive ex wife. She will be creating problems for the children. Women are told time and again in here to assert their boundaries.

And if the ex had behaved appropriately in the first place, they could have had a mutually respectful and amicable set up from the get-go, instead of what was happening, which was insanity.

Nothing excuses her abuse of the OP. And I can’t believe people are defending that behaviour.

I do wonder if your attitude towards your step children has also changed as it's all "my child" now, are they second class citizens now? Sounds like you've upset a decent co-parenting relationship because your child will turn to stone if she dares look at your child. I imagine this change has been noticed by your step children and can't be nice for them. You seem very self centred and clearly didn't really consider what you were getting involved in before having children with someone who had a life and children before you.

It does sound like she was a bit over bearing before, especially with the involvement with your children and coming in for a brew.

‘It actually sounded nice that she was so supportive of your babies, hugging and kissing them - as a friend or relative would do. ‘

Sorry but that isn’t healthy unless the OP is comfortable with it.

I would never dream of walking into DHs ex’s house and hugging and kissing her new DC unless she asked me if I’d like to have a hold etc.

I don’t do it to my friends or family either unless they offer and I certainly don’t kiss my friends’ children. I can be friendly, give cards and gifts but I don’t just presume I can hug and kiss any kid I want.