Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

You are NOT alone!! My hubbys exwife has always hated me, manipulated her kids to hate me too. Like you, hubby didn't want to rock the boat because of how she'd react. I don't live my life like that. He actually used the phrase "keeping things on an even keel"! Fast forward almost 10 yrs and things finally settled down. Now theres drama with hubbys sister and she's turning to the exwife. Exwife is keeping my hubby apprised of what sister is doing/saying. Except she's texting him at almost midnight AND texting him directly, not in the parent group chat. A major boundary was texting in the group chat and not directly. It's a major trigger for me. I understand everything you're going through and I know how shitty it feels. I hope things are going better!

@PipMumsnet
You have identified and articulated what you think works for you. Why are you trying to fit your into a slipper of a different sized. You have too.little time invested in this fledgling relationship to try and bend either of you out of shape.

Move on and let both of you find a relationship where you have to become contortionist to please the other.

Neither of you should have to feel that you are right or wrong. Just keep looking for the one who shares your perspective. That is where you will find compatibility. You can not create compatibility; you can only find it. Sometimes you can compromise, but that only last if the benefit is greater than the cost of charge.

Yes, extreme offence.
Being essentially banned from childrens lives is something normally reserved for the worst of the worst.

You're talking about the ex taking action, but what action has she taken? None as far as what I've seen apart from say some words to I assume the ex husband. OP didn't say at any point that the kids had been stopped from going.

@Boomshock yes you might have your nose out of joint for a little while, but ‘extreme offence’? Is the Ex took it like that, and also said that her children could then not be around the SM, who happens to live with the father, so pretty tricky… well that’s the bonkers action. The Ex didn’t just ‘feel aggreieved’ she kicked off big time, insulted the OP, and was prepared to put high conflict in the middle of her kids lives, by telling all she wasn’t going to let them near the Dad’s wife. Which is terrible behaviour. Even if you felt hurt, no way should you take that kind of action.

The OP just put up with a bad situation for too long, that’s the only mistake here.

@CherryBlossomAutumn

The 'so what?' is that it is something that was likely to cause extreme offence. She previously had some sort of relationship with the kids and was then told she was to have as little contact as possible.

Again, it's 'bonkers' that people are ignoring that and making out it wasn't a big deal and that it would not affect the dynamic between the stepmum and mother.

@Boomshock So what if she doesn’t her to be involved in her kids lives? My mother doesn’t want to be involved in my half siblings lives, and if she insisted, which is the point isn’t it, she’s saying she has to be involved, that’s really out of line. And really weird. This is what the OP reported,
the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either....

Totally bonkers!

@CherryBlossomAutumn

This really does show how unhealthy the relationship of the Ex was, as if it was healthy which means respectful, cooperative, then the OP finally having a say (rather than acquiescing to keep the peace) would have been respected by the Ex. It wasn’t, the Ex thinks she is entitled to have a key to the OPs house. Bonkers!

Maybe the ex would have got over that or agreed with no problems, and it was the "don't come near my kids" that caused her to react this way.

The bonkers thing is that people are ignoring that! or making out it's no big deal.

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home. Agreed. This really does show how unhealthy the relationship of the Ex was, as if it was healthy which means respectful, cooperative, then the OP finally having a say (rather than acquiescing to keep the peace) would have been respected by the Ex. It wasn’t, the Ex thinks she is entitled to have a key to the OPs house. Bonkers!

I agree with you @candlesflamesandbrooms

All this BS about it being good for the kids. I grew with divorced parents, and sometimes loose boundaries like this. It was excruciating and awkward for me as a child. There is zero benefit to children of having their mum able to walk into their Dads and step mums house. There is a lot of harm however being told by their Mum that evil old step mum is ruining her life.

Can’t believe this thread is still going. Infighting between those who coparent with ex partners, and those who don’t, and those whose partners coparent…

It’ll run forever, won’t it?

A fortified defence designed to stop one side being looted for animals and valuables, by the other…?

@candlesflamesandbrooms

that's why mum is trying to use her own children to poison the well (which again very well may blow back in her face when the kids are old enough). My sister (half) went NC with her mum when she realised as a adult what her mum had been doing.

It could go either way.

The only one who has lost something here is mum.

Yet the OP started a thread here...and said "It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it."

A reasonable person can hear someone say no and first reaction is not start bitching to her children who are stuck in the middle and reflect on their actions.

The OP never said the ex was bitching to the children. I assume she's bitching to the husband.
And once again you're saying 'first reaction'......even though this is a year later. You do not know what the first reaction was at all.

Usually try to defend mums here but sorry this type of behaviour imo gives the rest of us a bad name.

Again, completely different opinion here because I think this thread gives stepmums a bad name rather than mums.

@Boomshock we are going to agree to disagree tbh.

But we do agree that actions do indeed have consequences, mum was crossing lines (like letting her self in to their house when they aren't there) ordering her ex to make her a tea and generally overstepping any social norms for years. Op reacted as result of mums actions cumulatively and what's really upsetting people is there is really little blow back on op or DSc or her child and that's why mum is trying to use her own children to poison the well (which again very well may blow back in her face when the kids are old enough). My sister (half) went NC with her mum when she realised as a adult what her mum had been doing.

The only one who has lost something here is mum.
A reasonable person can hear someone say no and first reaction is not start bitching to her children who are stuck in the middle and reflect on their actions.

Being hurt doesn't excuse any of this in my book as your kids aren't there to manage a adults feelings (and didn't need to hear about any of this in the way it was put) but again your completely right. We are probably just very different.

Usually try to defend mums here but sorry this type of behaviour imo gives the rest of us a bad name.

@candlesflamesandbrooms

I would say it's going nuclear to say that she wants the ex to have as little contact with her kids as possible.

Perhaps you don't.
But that doesn't mean that your opinion is correct.
Many of the rest of us see it the other way.

Also it's interesting how you go from A to B without any consideration of the likely impact, or the things that would have happened over the past year etc.

Very black and white thinking to not be able to consider any nuances of the situation.

No is a complete sentence, you're right, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences.

I could have said NO to a lot of things when it came to my ex, but there is a lot to consider when it comes to co-parenting relationships, saying NO could have long term negative consequences, or maybe just short to medium term, but it all has to be weighed up.

Sometimes I had no choice but to say NO and then deal with the consequences that arose.

Very weird to say 'no is a complete sentence' in the context of this thread, considering No is never really the end of the story when it comes to an ongoing situation and dynamic between people.

I’m sorry to say I think you’re being very unreasonable.

You’ve phrased it as not respecting boundaries , but you had a modern blended family that was working well for the children and you decided to erect new walls. I think she must feel extremely hurt.

. I think it’s wonderful that the ex was affectionate to your children - they are her children’s half siblings.

@Boomshock don't you get it ?

Saying no to someone isn't going nuclear. People are allowed to do that in their home with their own children. It's not even a thing

Look I'm not gonna argue with someone who doesn't seem to get that someone saying no to you, doesn't mean you need to threaten contact and throw toys out the pram.

No is a complete sentence as they say on here..

@candlesflamesandbrooms

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home.
It didn't need to be hostile. If I was mum I would be like ok no problem, anything I have done to cause ripples ? Mum had other options than going nuclear because she heard the word no.

It sounds like she probably did do that.
It's a year since the 'boundaries' were introduced and OP said it didn't go down well...the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.

So it doesn't sound like she went 'nuclear' at all at the start even though the OP did, but has started to now in the aftermath. And even then all she appears to have done is said that she doesn't want her in the kids lives, she doesn't appear to have done anything to try to stop her.

You're playing down the possible impact of what OP did and exaggerating and magnifying what the ex has done.

"Everything was fine until the OP wanted her own ‘boundaries’ put in place. Those boundaries destroyed a perfectly amicable shared parenting arrangement and made things hostile"

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home.
It didn't need to be hostile. If I was mum I would be like ok no problem, anything I have done to cause ripples ? Mum had other options than going nuclear because she heard the word no.

If someone in your workplace says something creepy to you and boy go "ah no thank you I would prefer you not to do that" and that person kicks off and says it's my right to say what I want... and starts bitching to other people. That person is entitled and dumb, and I have asd and I'm supposed to miss out on social ques... fml.

As a rule if your not the owner of a house. Your not entitled to a key (unless power of attorney) And if you have one, it is not license to act like a toddler.

I know people get annoyed about sp being fully fledged people who are autonomous in their own right and are allowed to have their own boundaries. But if you don't think that's ok then that really does say more about you than it does the sp.

And I'm a fecking mum here fml 🤦🏼‍♀️

That's not 'boundaries'.
That's Hadrian's Wall.

@Rosscameasdoody possibly because it's not about the DSC.

Children tend to have ideas of their parents getting back together, I'm assuming all this stuff is actually quite confusing for them.

That said I don't think the ex having a key and letting herself into the flat (when no one's home) has any benefit for the children.

Many many split families (which my daughter has a sm) manage to have healthy normal boundaries and good co parenting relationships without any drama or people going into each others houses. My children don't have trauma because my ex doesn't have a key to my house and via versa

It says it all that your positioning this as a awful for the kids, when actually we have zero info on how the kids feel, and avoiding the actual evidence of mum using her kids as a weapon as she is no longer allowed unfettered access to ops home.

I do wonder if this was flipped how many people would be arguing for dad to have a key to mums... and dad kicking off at the children. This has been asked before and tumble weed 😒 wonder why 🙄

As I said this thread is ON GLUE CRAZY.

You don’t make any mention of the children. That says it all.

What thread are you reading ? Everything was fine until the OP wanted her own ‘boundaries’ put in place. Those boundaries destroyed a perfectly amicable shared parenting arrangement and made things hostile. And now the OP has realised what she’s done, she’s posted wanting people to agree with her point of view.

@candlesflamesandbrooms
In the real life 'modern family' situations that I've seen and experienced the SM would be invited.

Responses on here are not always reflective of real life at all.

And no, I'm not saying to give the ex wife a key to your house so that you might be invited to parties. I mentioned about parties etc. in response to people that are kind of saying "well done" and "kickback means you did the right thing".

Yes OP might have got what she wanted now, but it may very much bite her later on, the childhood stage is short after all.

I think the damage is most likely not going to be repaired in this case, so I wasn't saying to give her back the key at all, I was just saying that when it comes to things like this maybe it feels like a win in the short to medium term but there can be consequences in the end, so I certainly wouldn't be hailing this as some kind of success story!

@Boomshock I mean there was a thread recently (where everyone got on great) and mum kept throwing parties on Christmas ect involving the whole family, grand parents and ops dh and not her and her son.

People were bending over backwards to say that even if they are friendly why should she invite sm.

I don't think good relationships mean you would be invited to parties ect. It certainly in imo wouldn't be enough of incentive to give someone who's already crossed moral lines a key to my house.

It's not inherently unhealthy.

These days there are a lot of 'modern family' types who are a lot more civil, friendly and involved than there would have been in the past, and it works out great for everyone.

As a previous poster said, this might come back to bite the OP later on when her stepkids get older. She might find herself not invited to their events etc, either events thrown by the mother such as birthday parties or events/occasions that they have themselves as adults.

I can’t believe anyone would say YABU. Your partner and his Ex are bonkers to think that this kind of ‘hey we all get on sooo well we can just hang out all the time’ is OK.

It’s not OK! It’s really unhealthy. Especially for the Ex to be honest. Of course she doesn’t have to see you or the siblings or her Ex. She just has to get on with her own life with her own kids.

End of!

There is always kickback in these situations though. I think kickback is a real sign that you did the right thing.

If someone respects you, respects when you say ‘no’ - then actually you can be a bit freer to relate to them. Good fences make good neighbours. But the Ex who sees you put up a fence, and then tries to kick it down? No way.