2 or 3 kids?

I had my 3rd (unplanned) 3 months ago and she is amazing. Our missing piece, my easiest pregnancy and birth and an easy, smiley, beautiful joy and already sleeping brilliantly (our biggest fear after number 2!) I think back and can’t believe we talked about terminating the pregnancy and I’m so so glad I didn’t. I never felt done after number 2 and still had all my maternity stuff, baby stuff etc etc in storage whereas this time I feel completely done. Maternity stuff went out the door the week after I gave birth. We were discussing number 3 for about a year before accidentally getting pregnant and I think I would have kept doing the “what if” forever if the decision hadn’t been made for us.

It worries me slightly to hear lots of people saying 3 is not a great number and they won’t get the attention they deserve but I hope we’ll juggle it. My age gaps are 2 years and 3 years almost exactly.

If you really think you want a third then I can’t imagine you’ll ever regret going for it. We are fortunate that money was never a deciding factor for us but it has meant a new car, an extension and holidays are already looking like they will be much pricier so this is definitely something to take into account. Also I have had 3 very easy pregnancies and births - I was very active until an hour before giving birth, all 3 were born at home and I was up and back to normal within a day really. A difficult pregnancy might be a completely different ball game with 2 other children to think about!

And yet you’re considering spending nine months of their childhood bed/hospital bound and making your DH virtually a single parent. Deliberately. Is that really how you want to spend nearly a year of your existing children’s lives? Is it in their best interests? What happens if there’s lasting effects on your health? I don’t mean that unkindly, I understand the pull of another baby, but I really wouldn’t. Not because of houses or finances but your health.

I was very ill in my second pregnancy. It really messed up my toddler/preschooler emotionally for literally years afterwards that Mummy wasn’t there, Mummy was sick, Mummy couldn’t engage/play even when I was home etc. He was anxious, jealous, clingy and he literally punished me for months for, as he must have seen it, “abandoning him”. It took years to fix our bond. I would never have had the second if I’d known that would happen and the likely recurrence is a big reason I wouldn’t consider a third. My primary responsibility is to my existing children. And whenever I felt broody or sad about not having a third I figured I’d rather I lived with that sadness than I inflicted sadness on my children from my absence/illness. Once the decision was made and we mentally moved on from the ttc years I stopped finding other pregnancies sad, and honestly now I’m mostly relieved it’s not me!

I support the opinion given by Rampantivy.
Give your two existing children a full and enjoyable life, rather than risking the unknowable problems that a third baby could bring.

I'm one of three myself btw and definitely don't feel I missed out on anything. I had a good childhood and we are all a close family into adulthood. My DPs actually wanted 4 originally but had some health scares during pregnancy 3 so they decided not to take any more risk and didn't have anymore. Which is what some people are saying to you about sticking with 2 but it will be different for everyone I guess. My DM's first two pregnancies and births were straightforward though so I guess they weren't concerned until they had the third and that wasn't as expected. I'm a bit like you in that I have had two horrible pregnancies and births so I do worry about that too.

@FourTeaFallOut My father was very good to me. My mother and I had a complex relationship. I was better when I was an adult. My childhood experience was below par, but not sh-tty.

Given your situation I’d come to terms with two. I think it’s unfair they are not getting your full love and attention whilst you’re trying for 3rd. I don’t think anyone should have more than 1 kid per parent for the planets sake. And I’m one of 3, it’s not the best

I was talking with someone today who has five kids (!) and they told me the biggest shocks/step ups were 0 kids to 1 kid and then 2 to 3.

My ex husband was the middle of three and said exactly that when I wanted our third. Needless to say I had to stop at two.

You had shitty parents. You must know this? It might have been easier for them to lay their deficiencies at your feet but you don't owe them this narrative were you changed them from good parents into shitty parents.

I have awful pregnancies, it takes a massive toll on my body mentally and physically. I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost. I worry about missing out on my current DC and stupid things like going to theme parks and there being 5 of us at different stages.

Given all of the above, I would quit while I was ahead.
What if your third child had additional needs?
What does a third child bring to the table that the two you have don't already?

Then the biggie>

Do you really want three expensive teenagers? They are expensive financially and also the emotional toll teenagers take on you:

3 x after school activities
3 x school uniform
3 x school lunches
3 x fund raising days
3 x school trips
3 x mobile phone contracts
3 x laptops (necessary for school homework which is set on the school's VLE)
3 x GCSEs stress
3 x A levels stress
3 x potential UCAS
3 x potential support through university
3 x potetial friendship and relationship issues
3 x potential bullying issues

@FourTeaFallOut My mother did make this clear, and her mother practically brought me up. One sibling has never stopped resenting me, though I’m over fifty and she is a decade older.

Agree. As one of three, I would never have three. Two or four.

I imagine those types of parents probably shouldn't have had one or two either. What an awful thing to say to your own kid.

I think quite a lot of parents are pretty open that the third can be the straw that breaks the back..

Stick at 2. You have more time for them, you won’t be ferrying teens and primaries to twenty million different things. Uni fees will make you slightly less poor. You can stick with a smaller car. You will get your life back sooner.

Get a kitten instead. The kids will love it

I agree! With my second I felt like I barely enjoyed the toddler stage with my first or the baby stage with my second. With my 10 year age gap, I so look forward to taking in every single moment 🤩

Actually, this might be one of the best reasons to have a breather between two and three. It's a lot easier to enjoy a maternity leave with a third when you can nap alongside them on school days.

I’ve not long had my third with a ten year age gap.

My pregnancies are always very difficult and before I gave birth I was in and out of hospital. It ended in an emergency section 12 weeks early and were looking at a long nicu stay. My children are old enough but still need their mum. Between friends and family we’ve split the time between us all& we’ve adapted great.

After 4 weeks in hospital I went home and my children were happy but also mentioned I could’ve stayed until newborn was able to come home as they were ok.

If you have a great support unit go for it ❤️

If you would have asked me this 2 years I’d have said no! But I had my third last year and he was like the missing piece to our puzzle. We absolutely adore him and my other kids loved helping look after him.