2 or 3 kids?

Part of being a good mum is putting your kids first. This in no way benefits your family op.

I have 4 year old twins, almost 5 and we’re considering the third. I’d love to keep their bond close, did your third impact your older two negatively at all or was it a good gap to have you time with them as well as baby time as well as all together time?

I think you’ve listed several very good reasons not to do this - most of all the impact on your current children and your husband.
You haven’t listed a good reason to have a third.

I think it would be a huge mistake and could put a massive strain on your existing children and husband. It’s a no brainer to me.

I say this as someone who has a severely disabled sibling due to a mother who needed to scratch an itch. She has left her existing children with a huge burden once she passes away and mostly, it’s down to her not making any provisions for her inspite of our protesting.

Better to regret a fictitious child you didn’t have than to regret one that you did.

Reading this back it sounds a bit judgey which wasn't my intention. It is fine to feel this way, I'm just saying that if you know you would struggle to parent a child with additional needs or disabilities then I think that is a strong argument for sticking at 2.

I am the youngest of 3 (with a big age gap due to mc complications). I didn't want 3 myself and the reason is that I think I've been affected long-term by this position in the family and I see it on other families with 3 DC. I was the baby for a long time, Mum found it hard to accept me growing up, my siblings didn't play with me or include me, then after they left home I was suddenly the 'only child' through my teens, with all focus on me. As a result, I've always hated anything where I feel left out or the centre of attention. My good friend who had 3 said she felt strongly that there was someone 'missing' from their family of 2 DC and I never felt that.

I think you're feeling hormonal partly because of the miscarriages, especially as the due date of one is coming up. This will pass and it will get easier to adjust ❤️

I have two and for a while I desperately wanted a third but was worried because I also have health issues and on top of that I have struggled with depression and PND - all of these create quite a burden on my DH.

My youngest is now 4 and the longing for a third is nothing like as strong. I still occasionally feel like it would be nice, but the older she gets the more I feel the relief of getting shot of all the difficult younger years - the toddler tantrums, the nappies, the toilet training, the lack of sleep, the constant care and attention a small baby requires...

On a different note I'm so surprised by all these people saying they hate being one of 3!! I have two siblings and we've always got on really well. There are lots of things it's good to do with more than 2 people. It also means if one of you needs a break and some solitude - or if one goes out with their own friends, eg - then the other 2 still have each other for company.

the additional needs and potential for disability has crossed my mind, and if that was the case I will have wished I stayed at 2 kids.

Well, in that case I would strongly advise you against TTC. You say you are longing for a child, but you would only be happy with a child who was healthy and has no additional needs and this is far from guaranteed.

@Gabbies I know how you feel, I’ve always wanted a big family esp when my kids are not going to grow up with their cousins (they’re overseas), but I’ve got to be thankful for my healthy two children.

My husband keeps telling me, you nearly died last time, you could die if you have another. Like you, my health issue is likely to reoccur if I get pregnant again. Keep reminding yourself that, it’s not a risk I’m willing to take. I was lucky to have survived my last pregnancy, I’ll be older and my heart more knackered if I do fall pregnant again, do I fancy my chances?

Also…. It gives me joy that I can spoil my kids atm with holidays and days out, if we were to have another we will definitely be financially a lot worse off.

There's a ten and a half age gap between eldest and youngest DC. Four DC in total. Go for it and don't let the gap put you off.

My eldest can babysit for me occasionally - it's not all bad ☺️

Thank you for this thread, I’m in a similar boat with difficult pregnancy and birth and wanting a third. I think the other posters are right, don’t risk your health knowing that they might lose you. If you die or have permanent health issues, your existing kids are going to resent your third baby forever

My babies are stunning and amazing little humans and I'd quite happily do the world a service and have dozens more if it wasn't for the fact that I am terrible at being pregnant (hospitalised, nearly died etc) so won't put them through it, and the house/car/finances/time required will only stretch so far before it's really unfair on the existing children.
I have 2 living children and a step child 8 years older than my eldest, the age gap is a pain to manage at times and often means I'm on my own with the little ones while DH is off with DSD, the car big enough to accommodate all three wasn't cheap and my sons can't have their own room until DSD no longer needs a room at ours.

I understand the pull to have another child but I had a very easy first pregnancy then spent five years TTC our second child. Personally I’ve never really got the desire to have more than two though. The second is a sibling and a playmate and hopefully a lifelong companion. My parents are both part of big families and hated it. They felt emotionally neglected - 1 of 5 and 1 of 6.

Also if you have difficult pregnancies and almost died I wouldn’t even think about it. We would never go through the years we spent TTC, IVF etc again…even if we desperately wanted another as it took too much away from us. We were willing to go through that journey once only

For all the arguments in favour of having another child, you nearly dying trumps everything. I would never do anything deliberately that could leave my dc without a mother.

I would keep trying if you really want a third.

I that is terrible advice. Did you not read what the OP said about her pregnancy issues - see below?

I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost.
I could have died in my last pregnancy and it scared me that I could leave these children without a mum.

Risking your life and risking your children losing a mother and a man losing his wife just to "scratch an itch" is really not a sensible thing to do.

I am really risk averse, and there is no way I would do this because the potential cost is too high.

I would keep trying if you really want a third.

I have 2 DC, and tried for a third while my relationship was failing as I knew it would be my last chance and I was already preparing to go it alone.

Perhaps the growing bundle sensed something was off, as I had my first and only miscarriage at 11 weeks. I deeply miss what would have been my third DC regularly, despite have left my EXDP a couple of months after the miscarriage happened.

I have to agree with this one too unfortunately.

I’m almost half way through my second pregnancy and it’s been rough, HG, very sick for the first 4 months and on bed rest, and it’s been tough not only for my DH (who has had to be a single parent) but for my 4yo DD too - exactly as described, she’s been clingy, lots of meltdowns, clearly struggling and feeling scared and insecure. Thankfully I am medicated and feeling better now so slowly able to do more with her - having to spend all of my pregnancy like that would do a lot more damage too.

If you know it could be bad, and as you said, you “nearly died last time”, there’s absolutely no way I would consider it.

I think you are selfish, you nearly died during your last pregnancy, and you would likely be hospitalised/out of action if you got pregnant again. Put your children first over your own feelings.

I’m a third too and I second that. Always someone left out.

I also wouldn’t since you mention the difficult pregnancies, bed rest etc.

Stick at 2.

I went for a 3rd and ended up with twins. I love them all very much obviously, but 2 looks like the ideal set up to me, based on families I know.

You will be able to keep giving them enough attention and will have a family home without actual chaos.

I could have died in my last pregnancy and it scared me that I could leave these children without a mum.

Keep telling yourself this every time you feel yourself weakening.
TBH risking your life for another child is simpy unthinkable to me. It's a no brainer. It's not fair on your husband or children.

Do you work?

What does your DH think?

My situation is slightly different as I have two older step children - 6 and 7 years older. we are very close and spent weekends and holidays together so are to all intents and purposes when I had my daughter a family of 5 a lot of them time.

when my daughter was born, she fitted in really easily. The challenge has been as the older children have turned into teenagers and my daughter is now 7. They all love each other but the age difference is a challenge. Finding ways to keep them all happy and activities they all like is almost impossible

plus the cost of holidays/activities/meals out is astronomical for families of 5… life seems more centred around families of 4.

I agree with the posters who are 1 of 3 and hate it, I am too and I’ve vowed to never have 3. It sounds like you’d be putting a lot on the line health wise too. My mum had terrible births with number 1 and 2, and (albeit not helped by her own stubbornness) had an even worse one with her 3rd that resulted in huge blood loss that probably could have killed her. I think sometimes it’s not worth the risk if it’s not been plain sailing before.
I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage though, that must be hard. Allow yourself some time to grieve over it properly x