MIL & family ignores me

Wow this was a long time ago however not much has really changed after being forced from my job I am now a stay at home mum and his family doesn't see her unless I let her down as I do keep that line of communication open.

In a twist of faith she wants us all to move closer to her and I'm very unsure about this so looking everywhere currently. I don't think she realise I come with the rest of "her" family although I'm 100% they think I'm my daughter donor...

My husband still haven't said much which has caused tension. Thank you all for the support x

When I read this I feel so sad and even angry for you.

Excellent replies here by other posters so I won’t repeat. But, just remember we can only be disrespected if we allow it. You do not need your husbands permission here.

Go out and make new friends outside the family. Literally just live your happy life. No confrontation, no drama. Please don’t let this get you down, I’m sure you are not the problem here.

Why do these people believe they have the right to act like this? They sound so arrogant I wouldn’t want to spend any time with them. It’s unfair to the kid imo what they are doing. They’ve shown you who they are and frankly it stinks. Hmmm.. I’d remove that free granny daycare if you can and make her come to you instead if she wishes to spend time with your daughter when it is convenient for you. That should help shift the dynamic that seems to have developed here.

And if all the nurseries in the area are full and you both have to work, what do you do then?

All very well to hoick your bosom and be sniffy about OP having her mother in law looking after their child but she doesn't exactly have options, does she?

Stop using them for childcare. I don't know why on earth you would when they behave so disrespectfully towards you. As for your dh he needs to shape up and should be challenging their behaviour. I would have a conversation with his mother in his presence and say you've noticed that she is rude and ignores you and as a result you won't be using her for childcare anymore. I'd go low to no contact. If he wants to see his side that's up to him. I'd take the time to make friends and widen your circle that way.

Stop trying so hard with them, and step away, it’s doing you no good. There’s no excuse for your husband not calling them out

She wouldn't be looking after my DD.

I would look at alternatives to your frankly horrible in-laws looking after your baby. I wouldn’t say it’s petty or anything, but I wouldn’t want people who treat me with such disdain to take care of my child and possibly have that rub off on them.

The next issue is your husband. It’s not ok to let a relative treat your partner like this and do nothing about it. His lack of action makes him complicit imo.

Find your own people. Not instead of your husband but as well as.

I hope your health and situation improves. Honestly, real empathy for you.

Your husband needs to have your back. He's not great if he's allowing his family to treat you poorly.

What do you mean, you live in a small community so your child is “safer” with a family member? There must be Ofsted-registered childminders, and you can get her on the waiting list for nursery?

In my opinion you need to stop using her for childcare. That gives her power over you and means you have to stay in this toxic relationship. Find paid childcare and stop using MIL. The refusal to feed your child the food you have prepared is frankly bizarre. What about other instructions, eg suncream and limiting sweets etc? Does she respect you there?

She sounds awful. But your DH ignoring it is also a problem.

I would personally not have someone who treats me this way look after my LO. I can understand it's difficult to find a childcare if you are living in a small community, but this would be a priority for me.

I would also stop trying so hard with his family, they sound rude.

Your DH should say something, I would not let my family treat my DH this way.

This is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem. He should be standing up for you and saying it’s not on etc. If there is no improvement, once you have alternative childcare he should be minimising contact with them unless they accept you and any contact is only for the sake of your child otherwise.

Stop bothering. Put your foot down, if they cannot be civil they cannot look after your daughter - it is not in the best interest of the child to have their mother treated this way.
and out your foot down with your husband - if he cannot insist that his wife is treated civil than he is rocking the boat at home. Say you want to move away to get away from this

So sorry you have been treated like this, particularly when you’re healing from everything you have been through.

Their behaviour is unacceptable and emotionally abusive.

To attempt to blame you for the health and pregnancy issues (if I read that right) and to totally ignore you is disgusting.

A decent and emotionally healthy person would not act like this.

I don’t think anyone who treats you like this has a right to be in your life. It must be really difficult though, as you are in pain and feeling vulnerable and relying on your MIL for childcare at the moment.

I personally would look for other childcare as soon as possible and avoid going round there. If you can, spend more time with friends and people that build you up.

Strongly agree that your husband should be standing up for you and not letting you be subjected to this. It sounds like there are deep-rooted issues within the family.

Remember, none of this is your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.

What happens when your daughter is older and she notices their treatment of you? What happens if they bad mouth you to her? Will your DH finally step up then or let that behaviour continue as doesn’t want to rock the boat?

I don't understand why you are putting up with your husband not defending you. He should have the back of his wife and mother of his child. Why are you putting up with his lack of care for you? To me, this would be marriage-ending and he needs to figure out who he wants to 'rock the boat with' the least. And that should be you, the woman he has to live with and sleep with, he needs to get his priorities right and defend his wife and mother of his child. He can't think much of you if he won't. I would tell him you are no longer going over there, and will possibly stop her seeing your baby and your marriage is at stake if he doesn't step up to the plate like a man and defend you. I would honestly tell him he speaks to his family about their behaviour or your marriage is at stake. He needs to choose who he least wants to anger. And he better fuqqing choose wisely! Don't stand for this disrespect from your husband a day longer.

If you were to have met my in-laws 18 years ago you would see pictures of their darling son and his four beautiful grandchildren which he was pluckily bringing up alone. They took hundreds of pictures - none of which included me. They never really spoke to me or acknowledged things I’d done for them. At Christmas I got something clearly regifted ( some aftershave once! ) and they never bothered with my birthday. I tried for years to make them happy - to no avail. Then decided fu** it and backed right off. The perfect son and perfect grandchildren would go and visit them and I would use the opportunity to have a break. The novelty of having four maniac children around without me soon wore thin as even though they considered me a waste of space they had to admit I was good with my kids (ffs). If they came round I was polite but would find something to do elsewhere. On one memorable occasion they were in the living room with the perfect son hearing about his perfection I went into the kitchen to ‘get something’ only for all four kids to follow me and not want to go back. The more I backed off the nicer they became and now I’m also perfect.
Don't chase their approval. Know your own worth - and if they don’t value you then fu** em!

Well I certainly wouldn’t be allowing her to have my child unsupervised if she can’t respect me.

This is your problem.

He is your husband, you are a team, he should be supportive and stand up for you. By not rocking the boat he us allowing their behaviour and giving the impression he approves of it.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how their behaviour and his tacit approval of it is making you feel and damaging your marriage.

I have similar issues with my in laws. The difference is I don't have a disloyal wet lettuce for a husband.

The entire issue here is your husband. He doesn't want to "rock the boat"? In other words, "yeah I know they treat you like shit and disrespect you in front of our child and it makes you feel desperately unhappy, but it doesn't affect me so I'm not going to do anything about it". That's not a supportive, loving spouse. That's a weak mammies boy.

This. Stop trying so hard.

I can understand if there had been multiple miscarriages, them being careful about celebrating too soon. But the rest...some families just aren't very demonstrative. Maybe your MIL wants to make food for your little one when she is there. Or maybe she has an issue with you, but if so, it is HER issue.

I'd go for breezy politeness. Breeze in, say thanks for looking after dd, collect and leave, Don't spend more time there than you need to. Make your friends elsewhere.

Play groups, soft play, the best cafe in town, regular picnics in the park now it's summer. You'll soon find another mum to chat to and take photos. Put your MIL out of your head and enjoy your little one.

He needs to rock the boat. It needs to be addressed. He can't just allow his family to treat you with so much contempt and stand by. Has he no principles?

We've been there with my husband and family. It took my husband a long time to see. In regards to the other family members, his sister who refuses to even acknowledge I'm in the room when we all see her together.

We have cut down the amount my mother in law provides childcare, and as such my husband does the pick up and drop off from her. She goes to a lovely childminder and its saved in so many problems. Mother in law was telling us different things about how our daughter had been and due to health problems we need a clear picture. We visit her at weekends but my husband speaks out if she's being unfair towards me or ignoring what I say about little one which he never would have before.
It's massively improved things for us.

Personally I think you have 2 potential routes…

1. Stop seeing them or engaging with them. If anyone asks why say “well they ignore me when I visit so I stopped going”. Go hardcore into looking for alternative care for your daughter so you don’t have to rely on them for childcare. Let your husband manage the contact with his family, but be clear with him you’ll have no contact with them while they are being unkind to you.

or

2)make a massive deal and call out of each time they say/do something rude. They try to ignore you then say “Hello, hello HELLO…How odd no one can hear me. Maybe I near to talk louder HELLLLLOOOOOOOO”. Call out every rude comment and make rude comments back.
“no maybe I wasn’t made to bounce back. You were made for childbearing with those hips though weren’t you”.

personally I’d got for option 1 because option 2 really requires you to be able to stand up for yourself and be willing to escalate to a blow out.

The first thing you need to do though is have a proper talk with you husband. Why is he allowing them to treat you like that? Is he under their thumb?? Does he not care that your child is literally watching you be ignored and spoken to like crap. Have a firm word with him. He needs to step up to tell his family to stop.

I would star by telling him ‘you know this behaviour from your mother isn’t right, don't you dh’. If he’s not behaving as if he’s for you then he’s against you and this needs to be made very clear to him. You’re the mother of his child. You should be his priority.

He needs to start rocking that boat with his mother and stick up for you!

Well obviously you are not a cow for telling him... but if you aren't willing to make these changes then I guess you'll just have to accept things the way they are it seems.