To feel I’m the only one who is this unbelievably exhausted with a 20mo

Elmo21 · 2023-06-03T07:42:20+00:00

I’ve been on a treadmill of stress since my lo was born 20mos ago. I won’t get into what that stress looked like, but it included severe med withdrawals 2 times and ptsd from that. Had medical complications post birth, just finished my second lot of Covid 7 weeks ago within in a year (it really affects me for some reason) but I was already burned out. I don’t feel depressed as such - I feel low because I have zero energy - I had pretty bad weaning depression when I stopped bf and it can rear it’s head at certain hormonal times of the month but it’s getting better. I feel like I haven’t had a break - I’ve had viruses since October on and off, either me, or LO, and I’ve never felt so much burn out in my life. I am putting her in nursery and my Dps help out a lot (I feel incredibly guilty but my body feels like it’s made of concrete). I also get stress dreams, panic attacks at night and general hair trigger emotions. ive spoken to drs etc, been on antidepressants multiple times. Things which have helped is juicing everything healthy, eating etc. But I don’t believe this is PND. I believe it is total and utter burnout. I feel love and emotions for my LO but it’s like any tiny thing will feel like a massive ask, I feel overwhelmed on a cellular level. If I have depression it’s because I have no energy, not the other way around. I know this from having PND after breastfeeding which settled;where everything looked so bleak I just wanted to disappear. This is different. LO pretty much sleeps through the night, all I can think about is how much I want more energy and wish I felt physically well. ive had CFS ruled out, ive had so much testing and the only thing which came out was cortisol being out of whack (not clinically, not insufficiency) but a GP mentioned adrenal fatigue and exhaustion (I know people think this is a BS diagnosis). Also could be Long Covid I guess, but this burnout started before Covid as well. anyone else experience these symptoms? Did it get better? I feel so low because I just want my energy so I can be with my LO - feel like such a bad mum and hate how involved my parents have to be because I physically don’t have the energy. My body will ache and shake when I’ve over done it.

bubnoom · 14/07/2025 07:29

@Elmo21 how are you now? I found your post as I was doing a search to see if anyone feels like me. I feel so similar just now. It’s so physical I know there’s something broken in my body / nervous system I’m terrified of staying like this. Know it’s been a while so you may not see this x

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 11:57

I have no doubt that there is something physically wrong with you - you know your own body, but stress/fear/anxiety as you know will make it so much worse.
You sound so similar to me! It’s so hard but every time I have gotten over something like this, it’s usually started with me just accepting the position I am in, that I may feel this way for a while and adjusting accordingly.

I suffered from horrendous anxiety and panic attacks when I was younger. The day I started to improve was the day I accepted that I will probably always be this way and that I will have to just find some coping mechanisms to make things easier. I haven’t had a panic attack in about 20 years! Weird how letting go and accepting things as they are can actually turn them around. It may take a while but emotional stress is exhausting- to me that is your first line of defence to make things a little easier.
Stop striving for perfection and aim for ‘good enough’

Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 11:50

Thank you for taking the time to read through again.

The parent thing is a real sticking point. I’ve got to admit my own internal processes are not helping the situation. I’ve always had a do everything myself, don’t like to sit still, hard on myself / perfectionist sort of personality. I’m having talking therapy as well - I do think the biggest hurdle aside from partner is my own attitude/ fear / stress towards the state my body is in / is it going to be like this forever etc. Haven’t worked out how to conquer that bit yet.

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Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 11:42

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 11:31

I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I can almost feel how on your knees you are through your posts and I am a complete stranger - your partner should be so much more supportive than this. It’s heartbreaking.
I wish I could offer some meaningful advice here! I’m sure you’ve exhausted all other avenues such as family looking after your LO for a while so you can rest?

the only thing I can say is that, when you’re feeling this way it makes you more stressed and more anxious which will deplete your energy even more. Try to be kind to yourself, do the bare minimum. Try to go straight to bed when your LO does and sleep for as long as you can. Conserve as much energy as possible on anything that can be de-prioritised. Try not to get worked up about your partner (as much as I understand why and he deserves a punch) but he isn’t worth you burning energy over.

im sorry, that doesn’t feel at all helpful but I really hope you start to improve soon and I hope even more that you can get to a place where you can leave the useless twat!

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Your compassion is more than helpful and thank you for it. Sometimes i just need people to hear what I’m saying and empathise which this thread has done. My main concern is giving myself ME or something through pushing. I do trust my body and i seem worse around ovulation and PMS time but it’s almost like I gaslight myself. Tell myself the exhaustion is in my head and don’t really listen to my body, almost like it’s lying to me. I know it isn’t. My dr said ‘your mind will lie at a drop of a hat, your body never does’.

it just feels like the emotional and cognitive burden is on me and me alone. Even then it’s not good enough because he clearly seems to think he should have his own whole life, and it’s fine for me not to. My LO is my world and I want her to feel loved in all the ways I didn’t (by my twat father) so seeing him view her as a burden in my eyes, when she’s so sparkly and full of life, just serves to make me despise him more.

my mum was a single parent, so I’m not afraid of being one either (already kinda am I think) but my body needs to be well for me to get to that place and that’s the but where I get incredibly depressed and scared of.

her dad does do bath time and rocking to sleep every evening. But everything else is just a burden.

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Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 11:41

Just reading over your first post again…
you are burning a lot of energy feeling guilty over your parents helping and feeling guilty over your LO… you are problem stacking if that makes sense?
I know it’s hard but try immediately to stop feeling guilty over those things as they will add to your exhaustion.
When your LO has kids of her own, and she feels this way, I am sure you would help no questions asked so don’t worry about letting your parents help.
You sound like a very loving mother, there is no way your child will be traumatised by you being ill for a while - and the quickest way to get better IMO is to rest and that includes mental rest (if that makes sense)
Can you take some time off work while she is in nursery and just sleep or lie about watching TV (guilt free) can you increase her hours at all, just for the time being?

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 11:31

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 10:58

I don’t know anymore how I can say it. I cry most days out of exhaustion, he’s seen me literally crawling from fatigue, he appears to get it for a week but then forgets again/ moans about how he has given up so much of his life (he still practices with his band 7 hours a day every other Sunday, and goes to the gym 5 times a week, but apparently he can’t go back to doing martial arts or seeing his friends socially so it’s a massive sacrifice). I legitimately hate him but I need to assume he’s out the picture because I honestly have no idea how else to get the message through his thick skull. I’m too tired to argue and try to explain and when he’s with LO he just sits on his phone so that stresses me out even more because I hate the thought of her feeling neglected. Everything seems like he’s doing me a favour and the last 2 years has been like this. He will step up for a week then as soon as I’m able to stand up it seems like he forgets it all. His dad is a tosser and commented on how unpolite my daughter was for eating hummus out a tub (she’s a baby, I’m a kids OT, I know what sensory input she needs for her development). That was a massive rant on how useless he is but culminates in basically doesn’t seem to matter how I say it or how often, he’s had drs telling him I need rest, but it’s just useless. He’s useless.

I just dread the possibility of this being the mum she gets.

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I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I can almost feel how on your knees you are through your posts and I am a complete stranger - your partner should be so much more supportive than this. It’s heartbreaking.
I wish I could offer some meaningful advice here! I’m sure you’ve exhausted all other avenues such as family looking after your LO for a while so you can rest?

the only thing I can say is that, when you’re feeling this way it makes you more stressed and more anxious which will deplete your energy even more. Try to be kind to yourself, do the bare minimum. Try to go straight to bed when your LO does and sleep for as long as you can. Conserve as much energy as possible on anything that can be de-prioritised. Try not to get worked up about your partner (as much as I understand why and he deserves a punch) but he isn’t worth you burning energy over.

im sorry, that doesn’t feel at all helpful but I really hope you start to improve soon and I hope even more that you can get to a place where you can leave the useless twat!

Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 10:58

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 10:49

Unless you get some long meaningful periods of rest, i think it’ll take a long while before you will recover.
I have a 5 year old, so significantly easier than a toddler but I am separated from his dad and we split the week 50/50 so I can at least take it easy for half of the week (I also WFH full time)

your partner absolutely NEEDS to step up here, you cannot continue like this

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I don’t know anymore how I can say it. I cry most days out of exhaustion, he’s seen me literally crawling from fatigue, he appears to get it for a week but then forgets again/ moans about how he has given up so much of his life (he still practices with his band 7 hours a day every other Sunday, and goes to the gym 5 times a week, but apparently he can’t go back to doing martial arts or seeing his friends socially so it’s a massive sacrifice). I legitimately hate him but I need to assume he’s out the picture because I honestly have no idea how else to get the message through his thick skull. I’m too tired to argue and try to explain and when he’s with LO he just sits on his phone so that stresses me out even more because I hate the thought of her feeling neglected. Everything seems like he’s doing me a favour and the last 2 years has been like this. He will step up for a week then as soon as I’m able to stand up it seems like he forgets it all. His dad is a tosser and commented on how unpolite my daughter was for eating hummus out a tub (she’s a baby, I’m a kids OT, I know what sensory input she needs for her development). That was a massive rant on how useless he is but culminates in basically doesn’t seem to matter how I say it or how often, he’s had drs telling him I need rest, but it’s just useless. He’s useless.

I just dread the possibility of this being the mum she gets.

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Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 10:49

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:56

Thanks for your message. It’s so appreciated. I’ve heard a lot of people not well as well. I’m 7 weeks post Covid now and have made improvements but think I pushed it super hard last week (went to a festival for the day, did a lot of gardening) and I’m paying for it now. I also had the heart palps and breathlessness and sore throat when doing too much. The former has seemed to get back to normal. I just can’t seem to get better cause partner is a selfish dickhead and sees looking after LO as doing me a favour. Idiot.

Show quote history

Unless you get some long meaningful periods of rest, i think it’ll take a long while before you will recover.
I have a 5 year old, so significantly easier than a toddler but I am separated from his dad and we split the week 50/50 so I can at least take it easy for half of the week (I also WFH full time)

your partner absolutely NEEDS to step up here, you cannot continue like this

Alongtimelonely · 03/06/2023 10:44

I’ve said Yabu as mums are often run-down and exhausted but your symptoms are on another level of unbearable.

things that help me are extra magnesium, cutting out all dairy, cutting out red meat, cutting out processed food and refined sugar, lots and lots of green leafy veg and drinking plenty of water.

but who knows if that would help you. You sound sensible, I hope you find an answer

Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 10:31

Bouldering · 03/06/2023 10:19

I think the fact there was no mention of the child’s father in your post tells a lot. I was almost broken at 20 months too, working full time with a non sleeping baby but my partner was, to cut a long story short, adding to my woes. He should be doing more than half given how sick you are. What would you do if positions are reversed? At least if you split he might take the child alone.

Agree 100% and would like to split but I can’t do that financially or stress wise at the moment. My DM has said multiple times I’m basically a single parent.

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Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 10:30

BeanCounterBabe · 03/06/2023 10:15

After CoViD I had joint pain, muscle fatigue, exhaustion, brain fog and appalling memory, struggled to speak using the wrong words all the time, I just wanted to check out of work and family life and be left alone. I have now recovered and feel pretty good. Running again which I could not have managed a year ago.

How long did it take to get back to a functional level? Been told numerous times not to push but unfortunately just being upright feels like it’s pushing on some days

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Bouldering · 03/06/2023 10:19

I think the fact there was no mention of the child’s father in your post tells a lot. I was almost broken at 20 months too, working full time with a non sleeping baby but my partner was, to cut a long story short, adding to my woes. He should be doing more than half given how sick you are. What would you do if positions are reversed? At least if you split he might take the child alone.

BeanCounterBabe · 03/06/2023 10:15

After CoViD I had joint pain, muscle fatigue, exhaustion, brain fog and appalling memory, struggled to speak using the wrong words all the time, I just wanted to check out of work and family life and be left alone. I have now recovered and feel pretty good. Running again which I could not have managed a year ago.

Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:57

Also trying to work 3 days a week in NHS / really emotionally draining role, but am WFH.

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Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:56

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 09:40

I feel like this OP. I’ve only just gotten over a pretty nasty flu type virus that lasted a few weeks (not Covid) I walk up one flight of stairs and I’m out of breath and my heart is pounding. I’m sleeping like 9 hours a night. I’m usually pretty active and am only in my 30s and a healthy weight. Like you, all my blood results came back normal.
no real advice but I do know of a couple of other people that have had the exact same thing. We are all slowly improving though I guess but I still have bad days!

have you been checked for dietary allergies? Any digestive symptoms?

Thanks for your message. It’s so appreciated. I’ve heard a lot of people not well as well. I’m 7 weeks post Covid now and have made improvements but think I pushed it super hard last week (went to a festival for the day, did a lot of gardening) and I’m paying for it now. I also had the heart palps and breathlessness and sore throat when doing too much. The former has seemed to get back to normal. I just can’t seem to get better cause partner is a selfish dickhead and sees looking after LO as doing me a favour. Idiot.

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Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:53

DisquietintheRanks · 03/06/2023 09:41

Adrenal fatigue is, as you have helpfully been told a "bullshit diagnosis" but sadly it's very real - or at least a proxy diagnosis for some other real thing.

Low cortisol has recently been discovered to be one of two reliable markers for long covid.

What I'm trying to say is that you have something physically wrong with you, although not something conventional medicine can yet explain or (importantly) treat.

You are not alone, there are lots of us out there.

I have found great relief from my long covid in super strength vit D, vit b12 and "adrenal support" capsules bought over the internet. And from graduated exercise programmes. But this was over 2 years, not a quick fix and I don't know if they would help you. The adrenal support capsules I tried on the advice of a fellow long covid sufferer who also had low cortisol as they helped her (we'd both tried lots of supplements that had no effect) - so these at least might be worth a try if nothing else is helping.

I personally really disagree with the bullshit diagnosis thing. I didn’t know whether to mention but I saw a specialist who works in hpa axis dysfunction in the USA, and he was the one who measured my cortisol (so did my private GP I see for hormone imbalance) and both said I have a pretty clear cut AF picture. Like, I fit ALL the symptoms. I guess I thought adrenal fatigue / issues was more like ‘tired, needing coffee’ levels but have heard since that’s not the case. I think they say adrenals fail or they don’t, but then why can hormones, thyroid etc be a bit whacked but not failing and that’s fine...! Ultimately it’s a stress illness I guess is what he’s said. But I’m grateful you feel it’s real, because I also think it is. I have pretty severe estrogen dominance, low DHEA, cortisol being very erratic (the lowest hes seen in the morning swinging to the highest in the afternoon) don’t know why else to say other than thankful for your comment and that you’ve gotten better.

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DisquietintheRanks · 03/06/2023 09:41

Adrenal fatigue is, as you have helpfully been told a "bullshit diagnosis" but sadly it's very real - or at least a proxy diagnosis for some other real thing.

Low cortisol has recently been discovered to be one of two reliable markers for long covid.

What I'm trying to say is that you have something physically wrong with you, although not something conventional medicine can yet explain or (importantly) treat.

You are not alone, there are lots of us out there.

I have found great relief from my long covid in super strength vit D, vit b12 and "adrenal support" capsules bought over the internet. And from graduated exercise programmes. But this was over 2 years, not a quick fix and I don't know if they would help you. The adrenal support capsules I tried on the advice of a fellow long covid sufferer who also had low cortisol as they helped her (we'd both tried lots of supplements that had no effect) - so these at least might be worth a try if nothing else is helping.

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 09:40

I feel like this OP. I’ve only just gotten over a pretty nasty flu type virus that lasted a few weeks (not Covid) I walk up one flight of stairs and I’m out of breath and my heart is pounding. I’m sleeping like 9 hours a night. I’m usually pretty active and am only in my 30s and a healthy weight. Like you, all my blood results came back normal.
no real advice but I do know of a couple of other people that have had the exact same thing. We are all slowly improving though I guess but I still have bad days!

have you been checked for dietary allergies? Any digestive symptoms?

Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:39

Also not helped by “dear” partner (not wanting to call him dear at all) who is just whinging about how he’s ‘helping me out’ and how much he has had to sacrifice cause I’m not well. I already feel like a piece of shit mother and like I’ll never improve. Scared of ME because that’s a lifelong thing and I literally won’t live like this the rest of my life. The thought makes me panicky and severely depressed because it’s like being tortured.

I read Clare weekes books which have been immensely helpful and make me realise that I’m not the only one who’s struggled with this. But I’m at the end of my tether (with exhaustion, not depression, and I’m not into trying another load of ssris / ADs which haven’t worked for me at all). If someone could just inject me with some energy so I could crack on with my life then I would be happy

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Original poster

Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:35

Thank you for this.

I do think Covid has floored me more because I was already totally wiped out. Maybe long Covid but I kinda feel like any bug will whip you harder if you’re at a low ebb and I have like the worst immune system. It’s reassuring that it floored you for a while @BeanCounterBabe - was it similar symptoms?

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Elmo21 · 03/06/2023 09:33

Could be I guess. Probably more likely long Covid I think

have had literally every blood test going - all b vits fine as well.

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RabbitsRock · 03/06/2023 09:31

Vit B12 deficiency? I had unbelievable tiredness, gut problems etc & having B12 injections was miraculous. I have them every 3 months & it’s very obvious when it starts to wear off.

BeanCounterBabe · 03/06/2023 09:27

I had this when my kids were tiny. The oldest was a poor sleeper, struggled to gain weight, horrendous reflux then became a whirlwind of a toddler (later diagnosed ASD). Nearly 3 year gap with a clingy milk monster who was constantly ill. I was juggling a 70% wte professional job as well. I look back at photos and I look utterly exhausted all the time. HCP mentioned PND but I felt exhausted, not depressed.

Things definitely improved as they it older. They are teens now and I look younger than I did 10 years ago.

Don’t underestimate the effect of CoViD. I had it quite mildly and was floored for many months afterwards.

fishonabicycle · 03/06/2023 09:20

Possibly chronic fatigue or ME. Both very hard to diagnose.

fishonabicycle · 03/06/2023 09:20

She's already had thyroid check. That is one of the most common blood tests ...