Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

You don't shag about, you have a conversation and you don't rip the piss out of your wife with the other woman.

There is no excuse for starting bonding with someone else when you're married and living with someone. For either sex

@VeronicaTeacher
Once you decided that sex was over for you, what were your thoughts and expectations related to your husband's sexual needs and desires? Did you expect to immediately become celibate or to accept affection in lieu of sex? Did you expect him to pleasure himself as the solution? Did you think about how this change impacted him at all? Did you discuss together what might be reasonable solutions and alternatives?

If you took no steps to address this situation
, and the onus was on you to initiate the discussion because it was your condition and feelings creating the change, then it is quite reasonable that in 6 years he may have found another sexual outlet.

If indeed he is involved with this woman, it is not likely as mature adults that they have a need to find humor at your expense. It is much more likely that they find humor in the things that contented lovers tend to do.

If over six years you never to the initiative to discuss and address this issue, it is probably too late. Do you really object to his having a sexual partner if that was no longer a role that you wished to have in his life?

So, it was a unilateral decision that sex wasn't happening, and now you're worried he might be getting it elsewhere?

We can't say from what you've said, but i wouldn't blame him.

It's lovely that you're happy to be celebate but is your husband? What did he say when you agreed this? I can't imagine many 40 year olds signing up for a lifetime of no sex.

You’re avoiding the question of whether or not your husband happily agreed to stay in a sexless marriage and be faithful! I would assume he’s getting sex elsewhere and you can’t blame him!

My marriage was sexless for 6 years (his choice) and it was soul destroying for me. I felt so unattractive and my self esteem hit rock bottom. It’s difficult when the one person who is supposed to fancy you, doesn’t. If he isn’t having an affair, while not condoning it, and fully respecting your right not to have sex if you don’t want to, I would understand why he would want to seek a relationship outside the marriage. It’s likely the marriage does not meet his needs any longer. I didn’t have an affair, but I did end up leaving the marriage.

Agree about unilaterally deciding to stop both your sex lives but that aside, him treating you like that and them making jokes at your expense is absolutely horrid.

All you can do is speak to him and come to an agreement on how to move forward, but tbh I don't know I'd want to after being spoken about like that with someone who is likely his affair partner. He is well within his rights to be unhappy about the lack of sex life, but not to disrespect you.

He is as much responsible as you to sort out any issues within your marriage.

Id be looking to divorce him. He’s having an affair in plain sight. You’re only 46, young enough to start a new life..with or without sex.

If you’ve decided to be celibate, but you want to remain married to him, you’ll need to learn to turn a blind eye to his sexual activities and you’ll need to hope that he doesn’t fall in love with Clare or someone else.

I lost interest in sex and think it understandable if a partner seeks it elsewhere. People are not robots.

@Screamingabdabz I wonder if OP started this conversation and how it went six years ago?

“One to be talked about and agreed upon for a mutually agreed vision of the future.”

It’s not your lack of sex drive that is ‘making’ him have an affair - he has made that choice because he’s an unfaithful shit. All this about not condemning your partner to a sexless marriage is a separate issue. One to be talked about and agreed upon for a mutually agreed vision of the future. You didn’t agree to him bringing Clare on board.

In your position op I would accept the fact that it’s over and leave them to it. He doesn’t love or respect you, so make sure you get every penny you deserve in the inevitable divorce. One day when Clare goes through menopause she’ll perhaps be a little more empathetic.

Your options are:

• Have a proper heart-to-heart with your husband and seek therapy to address your lack of sex drive and really make an effort to repair your relationship.

• Accept he's having an affair, or the risk that he might, and turn a blind eye (with the attendant risk that he may leave for her)

• Leave

Is she not taking the piss out of him, deciding his sex life is over? Reverse the sexes here and there would be lots of ‘leave him, you deserve a good sex life’ etc.

i haven't had sex with my DH for 4 yrs as he has been going through cancer treatment and is a shadow of his former self. I don't imagine we will again and I have at no point strayed. If your DH was frustrated or upset he should have communicated that with you as one should in a loving partnership. As perimenopause/menopause is tough enough without a partner who uses it to have an affair.

Him having an affair is not your fault

I agree that sexless relationships are never going to last unless both people feel the same. Have you spoke of how you both feel about this.
You should tell him how you feel about his friendship with Clare.
But as someone else said are you worried about the lack of se or that he will leave you. I couldn't have a relationship without sex

See that's properly shit OP. He's taking the piss out of you in more ways than one

I can't see anything that says your husband is having an affair really, but could you really blame him?

Is he onboard with his sex life being over at this age, have you even discussed it?

This.

However you don't go off and pork someone else. You talk about it and sort out the future and whether it would be better to split up. Both have to be content.

You need to have a conversation with him OP. Whether you're bothered if he is or isn't. I'm sorry man.

I would imagine this has already started. If your gut instinct tells you something it’s often correct.

Ask him?

Your husband is having an affair because he's not committed to you and thinks it's okay to sleep with someone else whilst married to you.

This may well be down to your lack of a sex life (probably is).

Do you have any other form of intimacy?

It's unreasonable, in a marriage, to unilaterally decide you don't want to have sex for years on end WITHOUT having a conversation about it.

So you are 46, and at 40 you decided that your sex life was over. Your dh is younger than you, so he was in his thirties?

Did you seek treatment, or just drop sex?

You can't make a unilateral decision about someone else's sex life. Of course, he shouldn't cheat - but it would be understandable if he left you.

A sexless marriage that isn't by mutual agreement is a terribly lonely place to be.

OP you say you lost interest and have no sex drive. Can you clarify if you actually have not slept with DH in 6 years?

Have to say I agree with this.

Please may you answer the questions about how you have navigated the no sex thing with your husband?

Are you worried about the sex or about him leaving?

If she's divorced I would worry he would eventually leave if he falls for her too hard. She has less to lose.

He's probably having sex with someone)s somewhere. People don't just stay celibate from their 40s unless they lost their sex drive. Their partner losing it just means they look elsewhere. There are whole websites matching up the men and women in dead bedrooms