Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

I'm not sure it's the sort of thing that "raising it" helps tbh. The OP is clearly happy w a sexless marriage as she instigated it. If he raises it he either gets branded a creepy sex pest or risks ending up with some "if we have to" coercive sex.

He could have quite easily spoken to her about this if he was unhappy, he didn't.

Where does she say that?

Of course no one should have sex if they don't want to.

However, sex is a reasonable expectation within a marriage and the person who takes it off the table should be the one to initiate a discussion.

Has he no autonomy? If he's not raised it as a problem then it would be fair to assume he was fine with it.

As I said, BOTH have a responsibility to work out marital problems and not be petty 'you started it so I'm not going to be the one to raise it, I'll just cheat instead and laugh in your face while I do it'.

This. 6 years in a sexless marriage- I would have left sooner

Yes! This!

Again, he has the option to leave or even just raise it with her.

Any idea how the person being forced to have sex feels? Her body, her choice. His choice to stay.

If he is having affair it is because he has chosen to!

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek It’s on @VeronicaTeacher to have that conversation because she is the one who changed things.

I agree.

I actually think it's quite selfish. Surely it must absolutely destroy the self esteem of the person being rejected?

'Maybe he doesn't want to leave'. Maybe OP doesn't want to be cheated on?

I'm really surprised at some of the comments here. OP should not feel forced into having sex so her husband doesn't deceive her.

He could have quite easily spoken to her about this if he was unhappy, he didn't. He is also an adult so unsure why he's being a viewed as some poor child who can't control his behaviour.

And as for 'what if they can't afford 2 households'...what? So the OP should accept being cheated on and made fun out of because she does not have a sex drive through no fault of her own?

He can go shack up with Clare then he'll be able to afford it.

It is down to BOTH of them to sort out issues withing their marriage and if they can't, then they separate.

She may not have had a specific conversation about no longer wanting sex, just as he hasn't had one about (most likely) cheating so not sure why it's all been put on OP.

Of course the OP shouldn't force herself to do anything she doesn't want to do. But equally enforcing celibacy on her husband is never going to work long-term is it?

It's really odd to enter an intimate, sexual relationship, withdraw intimacy and sex and just expect everything to carry on as though nothing has changed.

Well yes it does sound very likely that they are having an affair...

Is the idea of having sex with him so much worse than the thought of him cheating on you?

OP is getting an unduly hard time here. Ever tried going to a GP for lack of sex drive? They don’t just hand out little blue pills that instantaneously fix things.

also, when op last had sex I’m sure she didn’t draw a line and say we’ll that’s that never again. The weeks become months and the months become years. Are you really all saying she should force herself to have sex to keep her man happy.

what I would say is that op of course needs to speak to her DH about her lack of libido. If dh and Clare were already shagging they wouldn’t be touchy geeky in front of OP. It’s like that episode of friends where joey never has onscreen chemistry with his co-stars

And what happens if there isn’t enough money to support 2 households?

Agree.
OP's hasn't wanted sex for 6 years. Don't suppose her DH agreed to that. (I notice she hasn't answered that question despite being asked repeatedly),
So she has changed the parameters of their marriage. Those saying the DH should leave. Why should it be him who has to instigate the break when she's the one who's taken sex off the table. Maybe he doesn't want to leave - perhaps there are DC involved - but quite likely he also wants sex.
Time to have a frank conversation with DH OP.

Why though? Wouldn't blame him for leaving the marriage but certainly for lying and cheating.

Then you would be just as bad.

Wowzers. So your DH was in his 30s when he ended up in a sexless marriage. I think I would have left years ago...

The whole situation sounds miserable. Is he really ok with no sex for six years? I mean, if he was 60 then it might be different.

Yes but he had the option to leave if he isn't happy, not to cheat. No one forced him (if that even is the case of course). You take wedding vows to remain faithful, not to give x amount of sex.

Personally I couldn't be in a sexless marriage but I'd leave them if it couldn't be worked out, not make fun of my OH and go behind their back.

The lack of sex is probably going to make him very unhappy.
It’s very rare that both people are happy with not having sex.

But he could leave.

No one is ever to blame for an affair, apart from the person having the affair.

Wouldn't blame him really

Agree. If @VeronicaTeacher has decided that she doesn't want to have sex anymore, that's a decision she's entitled to make for herself, married or single. However, that decision can come with a 'cost' for a married person. And that cost is that their spouse may decide that they DO want to have a sex life.

But cheating is always wrong and never justified. The right thing, the honest thing, for that spouse to do is to sit down and TALK to their spouse and tell them that the decision they've made is to leave the marriage. Leave, don't cheat.

In this situation, the OP needs to sit her husband down and demand honesty, from both of them, about their future. She needs to lay her cards on the table and tell him that he is free to leave if he chooses not to accept her decision, ie remain celibate. He, in return, needs to be honest about this woman and either commit to a sexless marriage or leave.

If OP chooses to offer the option of an open marriage (for him), that's up to her. But she should not think she has to offer it, nor agree to it if he suggests it.

@gamerchick
Unless you agree prior to marriage that it is going to be a sexless marriage both parties have a right to expect sex to be a significant part of their union.

If the OP's situation or condition resulted in a significant change it is a conversation that she should have initiated with her husband, and together they should have reached a mutual understanding.

I would guess that if the OP has not reached out to her husband to ask if the woman is his new sexual partner, it is not likely that she initiated any discussions around their approaches and solutions the changes in their sex life.

Marriage makes you a partner not a martyr. She chose celibacy as her solution, perhaps he was not prepared to make that choice.

I think the answer above yours by @Mari9999 answers your questions better than I can.

But I’d like to add that @VeronicaTeacher could have initiated this conversation. Why is is only his fault?

And are they ‘bonding’? Some people (both sexes) can separate sex and love. Others can’t. There’s no right or wrong, just differences.

Within a marriage or relationship there are certain expectations of continuity. If a relationship has been started and continued on the basis of daily sex, fine. If the basis is sex once a year, fine. But to start one way then change, this needs discussion. If libidos are matching and both are happy then it’s good. But with a mismatch (as this clearly is) then why should only the lower libido person be happy? Does the higher libido not deserve some happiness too?