Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

By the same token, if you change the terms of the arrangement - sex in a committed, loving relationship - then why would you treat your partner with such indifference, expecting this to continue forever? OP could just as easily have called time on the relationship.

Selfishness isn't just the province of cheater but, as OP hasn't said very much about the arrangement then it's all just speculation, isn't it? I hope OP is having this conversation with her husband because it's the OP who changed the parameters of the marriage and that talk is very much needed to determine the way forward, however it goes.

If someone was the love of your life, why would you treat them with such little respect, knowing full well that shagging around would (assuming you are also the love of their lives) cause them an immense amount of pain?

You need to talk with him OP. I don’t think cheating is ever okay. Better to leave if it’s not working rather than cheating. I hope you are okay 💐

If my husband took sex off the table, for 6 years (!) and I was too cowardly to leave him- I'd cheat. He's the love of my life and I can't imagine not spending my life with him, so I WOULD probably be too cowardly, but I couldn't not have sex for ever. I'd be miserable.

If I were you and he is sleeping with Clare, I'd probably speak to him and set what rules you can if you want to stay married. I wouldn't be furious nor would I blame him if he was- 6 years is a looong time. Although I think it's doomed tbh.

I agree. It’s utterly depressing.

So much depends on what you and your husband have discussed, OP. If he agreed to 'no sex' at the time, that may have changed. So you'll need to talk again and if you feel the same and he feels that he would like to have sex again then you both have a decision to make about your marriage. Open it or end it and both be free again.

People are free not to want to have sex but in a couple, they can't demand that of the other person forever. In the meantime, your husband and this woman have formed an attachment that has nothing to do with you. Even if you changed your mind, there is now this 'relationship' that is also a factor, which wasn't there before.

You're watching a slow car crash happen there and you're uncomfortable seeing just how compatible they are. I think it is just a matter of time, sorry.

Of course the husband should have acted with integrity rather pursuing an affair if that is indeed what he is doing. But then again OP has not come back to let us know how she has honestly and openly communicated her view on sex in the marriage either and sought a mutually agreeable solution. Not a lot of integrity and honesty on either side it may seem.

Then again it could not be that way as there are no details. All we know is that a woman stopped having sex with her husband 6 years ago when he was in his 30s and she is now worried about his friendship with another woman presumably because she knows that a man at that age is unlikely to has zero libido.

I think you have 2 different issues to deal with . One is yes he probably has an interest that is more than friendship on her , even if maybe platonic for now .
second and actually more important is you need to find out why and how you can sort your sex life . No marriage will last with no sex and to be honest I can totally see why .

Whilst you say you’ve not had any sex drive for the past 6 years, does that mean the two of you haven’t had sex at all?
Have you discussed this with him?

I think serious chats need to happen. I certainly couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage. A temporary dip in sex, yes. But a pretty much never having sex again/for the foreseeable future? You need to chat. Absolutely not saying that gives your DH the okay to cheat. But it wouldn’t be surprising if he wanted out of the marriage, or to open it up to an open marriage. But you need to chat. Or be open to rekindling your sex life with him.

If he is having an affair, it isn't because of your lack of sex drive. It's because he was too much of a coward to leave you before starting to see someone else.

Sex is an intergral part of relationships, 6 years without sex is much too long. I can't blame him for looking elsewhere if he is, but he should have seperated from you first. If he's younger than you he was in his 30s when you decided to stop having sex with him. Why did you ever think that he was going to be happy with that arrangement?

Unfortunately I can only see you having a limited number of options here. 1) decide you want to want to have sex and look into medical treatment for your lack of sex drive. 2) accept your DH may look for the physical aspect of a relationship elsewhere and the risks that come with that or 3) let him go and accept you probably won't find someone else thats willing to be celibate with you.

Wow the INCELs are really out in force on this thread.

There's two parts to this, OP.

Him having what does sound like an affair, or affair-adjacent, wouldn't be great.

But seperately to that, you can't just decide you don't want sex anymore and that it's 'not bothersome' to you - i.e. make a big change in your marriage - without expecting the other party to potentially not like those changes. You don't have to have sex with him of course, that's 100% your right, but a lot of partners won't be willing to continue the relationship on that basis. You don't say whether you talked about your lack of sex life or whether he's happy with the situation - it sounds like you think he's not, which is baffling to me. Why are you carrying on for 6 years knowing he's probably unhappy about an element of your marriage and expecting that not to become a problem at any point?

We don't know if he is having an affair though do we? So debating the rights and wrongs of it is a moot point for now. Its possible but I think I'd be more concerned if he suddenly stopped being openly all flirty with Claire cos that would suggested they crossed the line. They would be much more discreet. My guess would be he wants Claire though which is not terribly surprising IF he has had no sexual contact for 6 years, we still don't know if there is occasionally duty sex. It could also be a way of trying to get OPs attention, openly obviously flirting with another woman so she will see that he is an attractive and sexual person, maybe he just wants his wife to want him??

I know DH wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage and I wouldn't expect him to, but I wouldn't think he can go and have an affair then.

She didn't but I don't think she'd be asking if that was why he cheated if he'd already raised it.

She also didn't say she hadn't had a big conversation about not wanting to any more but others assume she hasn't.

@Mari9999 I agree with your post. Personally I would not stay in a sexless marriage, but it's unfair on OP that some are saying she should expect to be cheated on and that 'why should he' start a conversation with her. I mean, perhaps because they are supposed to love each other and it shouldn't be tit for tat? That's not aimed at you, just the general theme running that all this is the OPs fault. Yes, I would guess it is down to her no longer wanting sex, but it's not the way to deal with it and not her 'fault' he chose to cheat.

On any other thread where someone has been cheated on they get full support. Even if the OP has said that she's been busy with the kids so she's too tired, no one blames her. Suppose I don't understand why this particular OP is getting piled on as if she forced him to do this and that he had no other option because he's incapable of raising a discussion himself before seeking something outwith.

Awful. He has the choice to leave the relationship.

Well, if he’s having an affair you’ve both broken your marriage vows. You vowed to honour him with your body - which you’re not doing, and he promised to forsake all others - which he doesn’t appear to be doing. You are perfectly entitled to not have sex, and he is perfectly entitled to still want sex. Maybe you have become incompatible and it’s time to move on.

You can't decide your husband never has sex again unless he agrees and expect everything to be ok. Cheating isn't ok so if he's not happy about it then he should have left you and told you why.

I think if the OP were taking second of the table, it would have been reasonable and honorable for her to offer to leave. I think that if the husband wanted a normal sexual relationship within his marriage and that had been removed from the table ,he too should have left before cheating.

I don't think that either of these people have acted in a particularly honorable way; though, It is particularly hard to imagine exactly what the OP's expectations were in light of her move to celibacy.

Its not right to just go and have an affair in a sexless marriage. You either leave or discuss it to find a solution. You dont just shag the nearest option and then use your resentment to take the piss out of your wife. What a dickhead.

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek
I am in total agreement that leaving is much more honorable than cheating.

I do not think that many people would choose to stay in a sexless marriage absent some untreatable physical impairment or major illness. I don't think that menopause signals the end of sex for most women.

I do think that if the OP did not initiate a serious discussion about this with her husband then she too demonstrated a serious lack of respect for both him and their marriage. It would be interesting to know exactly what were the OP's expectations and thoughts related to het husband's sexual needs when she seemingly unilaterally decided to become celibate.

But as regards to your original point, I agree that he should have ended the marriage rather than cheat.

It's an age old solution to a problem. It's not necessary to leave if everything else is okay enough to stay. Op could have left as well when she decided to stop having sex.

I doubt there's any point starting to have duty sex six years and affairs later. He won't be interested. Duty sex isn't particularly enjoyable for either person.

Very much this. None the less I'm sure he will have tentatively brought it up and got nowhere.

Mental the replies here suggesting OP should force herself to have sex with her husband just to stop him from cheating, or that she should just expect him to cheat because she won’t have sex with him. Have some self respect ladies. She’s perfectly entitled to never have sex with him again, just as he’s perfectly entitled to literally leave if that doesn’t work for him. How on earth is cheating an option?

Is your husband happy with sexless marriage? (Or in case you still have sex, happy to have sex with someone who is not into it?) Does he have a sex drive?

When you had the conversation 6 years what was the agreement?

If your husband doesn't have a sex drive either and was totally happy to stop having sex. Then it's unlikely anything. If your husband has a sexdrive and is unhappy with your sexlife then it very likely is something.