Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

I don’t agree with the ‘you have to expect it’- you can expect arguments or talking about divorce, him leaving- but him being flirty and smug with jibes about his older wife- nobody deserves that

Why bump an ancient thread?

So you don’t care to make him go years without sex IN HIS 40’s!

but all of a sudden care if he gets it somewhere else? You are an incredibly selfish woman. You don’t deserve your husband.

Surely when she decided to stop having sex, she had the option to leave or even just raise it with him.

She didn't.

If she didn't do the morally right thing then I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to.

Having said that, the making jokes part is awful.

In the ultra black and white world of MN the solutions is always to leave.

In the real world I suspect a lot of people, men and women, who find themselves in sexless marriages below the age ogf 60 will quietly and discreetly find some level of fulfillment outside of their marriage. I'm not saying it's right, but I wouldn't always judge.

This thread is from last year. Do we have an update?

I don't know how we would know more than your husband?

Trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong. As others have said a relationship without sex is doomed as it becomes a friendship. Friendships are great but they don’t have that intimacy that a relationship has, the stuff that brings you closer.

When you stopped having sex 6 years ago was this something discussed and agreed or was this imposed on him? You’re husband and wife in name only now - housemates - so I can see why he would want to seek sex elsewhere. I was in a sexless marriage for 6 years and the urge to cheat was almost overwhelming. I didn’t but we did break up.

That said, he should have raised his concerns, rather than having an affair. You could decide to turn a bling eye, though there is the strong risk of him falling in love with the woman he’s sleeping with. You could agree to split up, or you could seek treatment for your sex drive.

You really thought your husband wasn’t going to look elseware? You think he should just not have sex as a healthy/still young man? How selfish can you possibly be. I hope he divorces you. Go find someone Asexual.

Disagree. It is she that has “taken the piss” out of him. Bet she never opened a conversation about enforcing celibacy on him? Where is her morality and responsibility to her marriage vows?

The jesting is inappropriate but it is all downstream of her aversion to sex.

What I don’t understand is why she has bothered writing in. Her husband is clearly happier with regular sex with someone else yet she is miffed about the situation.

You can’t have your cake and eat it ladies - either you maintain regular sexual relations or accept that a man will have to find sex elsewhere.

I say this over and over again: men marry for regular sexual access primarily.

Finally, do you have irritable days, PMT and other hormonal issues? Do you expect men to make allowances for this?

If so, and you believe in equality, why do you denigrate men for their hormonal urges? Testosterone builds up rapidly in most men. Masturbation does not cut it all the time. We need sex to stop the irritability that comes with excess testosterone.

Fair’s fair.

She is probably just the decoy. He is or has been shagging others.

Unless he’s told you he is happy in a sexless relationship I imagine the last 6 years have been pretty shitty for him.

If the husband were indeed having an affair with the woman, what exactly would they be finding humorous about the OP? If anything they might be grateful for the opportunity that she has provided for them.

If they have occasion to laugh in the presence of the OP, why would her assumption be that it is humor about her or at her expense? In addition to no sex, is the husband also required to for go humor as well?

This sounds like what must be an unhappy existence for both the OP and her husband.

Are you saying that you haven't had sex at all kn the last 6 year?I am sorry OP if that's the case you better speak to him about where this relationship is going.

Your H takes the piss out of you with this woman? Tbh I imagine if there was a shred of your libido left it must have shrivelled up when you discovered that.

It does sound like they are shagging. All this "if they are touchy feely in front of you then they won't be" sounds very suss, they are probably just emboldened by the situation and your acceptance of him, your husband, laughing at you.

Get him gone op he sounds like a tosser anyway. Your libido might come back with someone who isn't the sort of twat who has in jokes (oh how funny) about his own wife with another woman.

I'm always surprised how these threads steer very strongly towards sex being an absolute non-negotiable thing in a marriage. Like it's an implicit agreement (though has anyone clarified the correct frequency, duration and type required to fulfill the marital obligations?). Therefore no sex = divorce. I can get an erection from looking at a sexy rock, but to end a marriage (or justify cheating) through a change in libido seems a bit much.

You're surprised that many people in a romantic relationship would view sexual intimacy as an important part of their (usually monogamous) relationship?

I think there is an implicit agreement that sex is part of a romantic relationship unless both people have communicated otherwise and have entered on the same page.

There's a big difference between a short to medium change in libido with open communication and one partner unilaterally taking sex off the table and expecting the other to lump it.

Nobody has to have sex, equally nobody has to stay in a relationship where their romantic and intimate needs aren't being met. Two people might grow apart and find they are incompatible.

I’d say if they’re not shagging, they sure as fuck want to. And will be messaging and talking about it.

Yeah, people are saying things I don't agree with so I'm gonna call them incels. Jesus, grow up

Yeah he’s the one taking the piss, but it’s fine for her to say no more sex in our relationship right?

Absolutely yes - if OP has zero interest in having sex ever again she should (and may have for all we know) have a conversation with her partner expressing that she understands that he still has needs, and he is free to leave and pursue other relationships.

Two things can be true at the same time though, and that second thing is that he also should have had a conversation with her, explaining that he could not live like that, and therefore it was over.

To be unfaithful should not be a go to solution

What would your view be should your partner stops loving you? Stops caring about you? Is that implied also as a non-negotiable thing? Sex is an important part of marriage for most couples and for those whom it isn't, they would come to an agreement, have a conversation about it so that everybody's on the same page. I don't understand the reference to high-speed internet, it doesn't make sense?

You're right that nobody has the right to sex if that's what you're saying, but if that's a one-sided agreement then surely you can't be surprised if your partner withdraws from the relationship all together. Still, as we don't know what has happened as OP hasn't said, all of this is conjecture.

OP seems only concerned at this point because she is losing her husband (from what she says).

A marriage where one person decides to opt out of sex and wants a sexless marriage?

No way that that would work!

And I would say he cheated on you yeaaaaars ago.

Six years without sex!!!
When he is around 36- 40 years of age???

You are living like brother and sister.
Or like room mates

And you say it makes you 'uncomfortable ' to see them hug?
Imagine how 'uncomfortable " he feels with a wife that REFUSES sex for SIX years.....

Why be consistently surprised that most human beings see a fulfilling sex life as a core part of a long term relationship? It seems odd to me that people think it is a surprising thing I'll be honest with you.

Obviously it really isn't actually about sex in many cases but about one partner making a unilateral decision to change a key part of a relationship without discussion and expecting the other partner to put up with it.

If they're the love of your life and denying you intimacy then there's an inherent problem!
Not saying that sleeping around is acceptable but the OP's seeming lack of understanding of the impact of her imposition of celibacy upon her DH is most definitely an issue within their marriage.
As others have said, open and honest discussion is needed. If OP doesn't want to have sex with her DH then she should set him free.

I'm always surprised how these threads steer very strongly towards sex being an absolute non-negotiable thing in a marriage. Like it's an implicit agreement (though has anyone clarified the correct frequency, duration and type required to fulfill the marital obligations?). Therefore no sex = divorce. I can get an erection from looking at a sexy rock, but to end a marriage (or justify cheating) through a change in libido seems a bit much. I'd be much more annoyed with lack of high speed internet for 6 years. But I am odd, admittedly. As the more sensible people in the thread have said - talk to your partner.

although not the whole context of why I left the lack of sex in my marriage was a big issue and partly why I left. I ended up begging for him to sleep with me, it was awful.

I said, you’re the only person I can sleep with and you’re denying me that, I have needs and they aren’t being met.

I never cheated and would never but there’s a huge difference between a couple where sex is off the table and it’s being discussed why or when the denying partner says no and won’t discuss it - that’s actually very selfish, instead of trying to find a way forward together,

what this means in these circumstances remains to be seen, I think op has discussed it openly with dh that’s one thing but if she’s said no and no I don’t want to talk about it then there’s an argument to understand why someone may stray and I’d say the same if it was the man or woman being denied sex (same sex or otherwise).

is cheating ok, no, but then neither is denying sex without trying to fix the situation.