Do you worry about your children constantly? How do you ever relax?

My 16yo tonight: "mum, you worry too much. I am fine."

He doesn't get it. I will always be worrying about him.

Interesting thread.

My sister has anxiety (diagnosed) and she chose not to have children. She told me once that the feeling of being responsible for their success / well being / happiness would just overwhelm her and she couldn't do it. TBH I think she has made a very rational and selfless decision.

Our mum is an anxious person, and she made life very difficult growing up (still does). Even now she sometimes tells me her (irrational) fears for my children and I'm like 'huh?'. She worries about things that don't even come on my radar - them getting attacked by strangers, or falling out of trees and breaking their necks or whatever. Her anxiety ruled our childhood tbh. I'm just lucky that I take after our dad more, he's a lot more stoical in general.

My observation on anxiety is that it's hardwired into some people, sometimes. My sister and I grew up in the same / very similar environments, yet our 'anxiety level' is at polar ends of the spectrum. She's a highly strung, anxious, perfectionist. I'm not.

OP you could read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". It really spoke to my experience of growing up with an anxious parent. It's not about ego, as such, I don't think. For my mum, it was more important that her worries were assuaged than it was for me to feel like I could handle situations or to learn to do so. She always had to step in - with advice or actions or warnings etc 🙄. And every time she did, what I heard was "I don't believe in you. I don't trust you. I don't believe that you can handle this". Hear that message 1000 times over, and the child comes to believe it. All so that my mum could feel in control and not deal with her anxiety. It took me a long time to get out from under that. to realise that an awful lot of life is not in my control - and not worth worrying about as a result.

Yep.
Never.

Lone parent with no one to offload to. I can catastrophise about everything as the chain of stress is never broken.

I am a really anxious person and I am pretty much permanently exhausted from worrying all the time. If it’s not the kids it’s the cats! I can only say my kids have been 100% worth it and I just muddle through, trying not to pass on my anxieties to them. Echo delegating things like playgrounds etc to DH.

So I'm going to turn the question on you? Why do you have a mumset account if you genuinely don't want kids and think you'd be a shit mam? Wouldn't this be the last thing on your mind. Or deep down you do want them and this is more of a reassurance post? All I can say is, I get the negative thinking....to an extent. You can let all the bad things in your life make or break you. But it's a lot easier to just accept life happens, sh*t happens but also amazing things can happen. You will naturally worry about your kids as you love them and your only human. But to catastrophize about freak accidents and illnesses, that's not healthy and I would reccomend therapy otherwise you will literally drive yourself insane

I think wanting to relieve any burden or pain or difficulty your child has is very different to (for example) seeing calamity in a playground, or wishing you hadn’t had them at all because of worry.

I am genuinely not trying to give you or anyone else a hard time, but I do think we have to be mindful that for most people living an ordinary sort of life there will be ups and downs within that life: job problems and illnesses and relationship problems and financial worries, and to make those problems about you and how stressful it makes your life (I’m using ‘you’ in a general sense, not accusing you personally of doing this!) is a bit self centred and ultimately it isn’t helpful to anybody!

I suggest you re read then, because quite a lot of the posts are in essence how awful life is now that children are independent. It certainly isn’t intended as a barb, malicious or otherwise. It’s an observation on a mindset that is extremely damaging and all the more so because it comes cloaked and disguised as ‘love’ and that really is not what love is.

@TrappedInSlothBody , I didn’t really mean you specifically as I appreciate you are talking in the abstract.

In general sort of terms though, I think to make someone else living their life - assuming it is a normal sort of life and not one fuelled by crime or similar - a drama to the extent that you say you’d prefer not to have had children at all a really egotistical sort of statement and one which is incredibly controlling.

Of course we love our children and suffer when they suffer, but they will suffer. Having parents who want you to live a life of near constant bliss and trouble free waters because otherwise they get upset, they worry and stress, they become all agitated and wound up - is exhausting and extremely isolating, because you can’t just mention ordinary annoying events that aren’t great but happen to a lot of people.

To be honest it is also a classic tactic some people use to make something about them and not the other person, which isn’t what love is, it’s what control is, and I think that’s what I find disquieting.

Yes I worry about my daughter and if she's not happy, I'm not happy. But it's worth it for me.

I didn't worry that much about them when they were younger - usual stuff hoping they'd do well in exams and win sports matches they played in, but as soon as they learned to drive, went on nights out, holidays alone and moved to Uni, I did start to be anxious. Especially one of them who is a bit more of a rule-breaker... and I might have messaged a friend of theirs once or twice when they went to ground for a bit (which I massively got it in the ear for after...) but now I realise it's my problem, I don't check up on them and just hope no news is good news.

No one is going to live a blissful life, free of worry and stress.

I do find threads like this faintly disquieting, to be honest.

I have this too and it’s so annoying because sometimes they’ll go off looking miserable and you spend all day thinking about them, go and pick them up and they’re happy as anything and you go “so how was school today” and they go “yeah fine thanks“ and I think “tuh, a whole day wasted worrying when they were fine!”

There's always some level of worry but you get used to it. Like if I'm not with my children and hear an ambulance I have a little flutter of worry and hope they are safe. I think it's fairly normal.

I have a 14yo ds. We've had one dodgy moment so far. He caught swine flue at 2 and was ill for weeks.

But since then, no major problems. He's healthy, happy, fairly sensible, knows his own mind. I don't worry about him too much. He's perfectly capable of getting from one day to the next without me. He needs encouragement to keep him going at school but he'll do fine in next year's GCSEs. And then A'levels. He isn't the next Einstein but competent and calm. Not bothered by peer pressure. Not anxious.

When it comes to a career/earning a living, he'll find something sciencey that he likes and we'll work it out. When he needs a house deposit, I'll help, somehow. Probably sell up and downsize. He knows I have his back.

So no, I don't worry much. Each day as it comes. 🙂

Yes as with everything in parenting it depends on your child. I've done my best but life has thrown us some real curveballs. And my heart aches when I can't solve everything or take away the pain. I find it hard to look at pictures of them when they were little as I feel so sad and that I've let them down by not being able to protect them.

"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone"

I'm child free OP and this is one of the biggest reasons I didn't start a family. I'm a terrible worrier and expect that it would only get worse if I have a kid, and I'll pass all my shite along to them. I come off as a very confident and capable person but I have some quite quirky health neurosis that I know having a kid will detonate. I'm 41 and in a pretty good place thanks to therapy and some lifestyle changes. For me, it's just not worth the idea of being chronically worried, anxious and miserable for the rest of my life. So I'll stick with the cat :(

I live with a long term MH condition. Once you have kids they always come first, of course but I also know I have to prioritise self care or I will become very unwell. I cope by working part time and making sure I get time to myself fairly regularly. Getting enough sleep is hugely important. I do think the most crucial thing is who you have children with though.

My DH is very laid back, confident and calm as a parent and this helps immensely. He knows the kind of situations that are likely to be particularly challenging for me and will take over. We have different strengths, so there are aspects of parenting where I take the lead and others where it's best if I get out of the way and let him crack on!

I have to constantly remind myself how important it is to contain my anxieties in front of the DC, which I do very successfully for the most part, and for them not to miss out on opportunities or adventures because of my fears. It helps me actually because sometimes having to put on a brave face and 'pretend' not to be anxious for them is a good distraction!

I suppose it helps that my teen is a bit nerdy and doesn't really go out to parties much or anything, he's usually either home or at a mate's playing PlayStation!

I have a teen and I don't worry much. I just don't worry about things that I have no control over or that haven't happened yet. I'd only start worrying if he didn't come home and wasn't answering his phone or some scenario like that. But day to day, no.