Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

I think it is polite to ask before you go into someone's bedroom. Don't really go into teen DS's room without asking first unless to sort out laundry.

BubblinTrouble · Today 17:03
My family all commands, Davies upstairs is definitely not out of bounds

@BubblinTrouble either you’re on the wrong thread or you’ve already had a few gins?!? I hope you poured one for Davies!

It feels intrusive to me too. My MIL stayed at mine once and had a nice outfit that needed hanging - the only suitable place was in my bedroom. After the first trip in to hang it up it was like the seal broke and she kept just going in and out as she fancied. I found it very hard as my bedroom is private to me. Annoyingly I know she feels the same as she's protective about certain areas of her own house and doesn't want me going in them (which I understand and am respectful of)!

I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc

If there was only one toilet then surely you'd say 'Is it alright to use your toilet?'

You wouldn't need to say 'upstairs' would you?

@ActDottie what could other people possibly want to see in other peoples bedrooms?
I should have to tidy everything in the house if we have a visitor.

Yes to the bedroom etc.

But what if somebody doesn't have a downstairs bathroom?

I'd ask whether I could use the bathroom and expect the host to indicate where I should go. But I would not specifically ask whether it was okay to go upstairs (if that's where indicated bathroom was).

If I already knew where the bathroom was (only one bathroom, upstairs) I probably would just say that I needed to go to the bathroom etc. And not specifically ask whether I would be given access to (the only) bathroom.

Isn't it normal to give guests access to a bathroom?

TBH she probably thinks you have things on display you don't want her to see as you are making it clear to her it's out of bounds.

No, your opinion isn't common. I happily tell anyone they can use the family bathroom rather than the downstairs cloakroom as the downstairs loo isn't very 'soundproof' (I do have an en suite as well and that's 'my space' although there is nothing secret in there and I'd happily allow family to use it.)

The answer is to tidy up so you aren't ashamed of the mess!

The first thing I thought of was 'Is she a dog?'

Why don't you just tidy up?

PS she isn’t a great mother

@DisquietintheRanks My mother knew she shouldn’t be in there. Why do people have to nose. There are all sorts of things in bedrooms that are private. Not just what you think.

I'd be mortified if a friend asked if they could
my toilet, never mind family. Of course you can. You're not a kid in school.

She might not feel like family to you but your partner is her child. Give your head a wobble and close your bedroom door.

If the bathroom is upstairs:

I'd just tell the host that I needed to use the bathroom etc (the normal spiel. Whether the bathroom is upstairs, downstairs or outside!)

I would never just go into somebody else's bedroom unless immediate family (e.g. at my mum's).

Two possible issues:

1. She's would walk into anybody's bedroom...

1. She doesn't understand that this is also your bedroom. And that you may have very different feelings about her presence than your DH/her own son.... especially if she isn't used to a strict upstairs/downstairs separation.

In answer to the OP, I've never heard of a ban on people being allowed upstairs, only dogs. If your dh is happy for you to treat his mum like a dog then crack on.

God, I think we have the same MIL! Having said that, my mum is nosey too, she wouldn’t open doors and walk into bedrooms, but she’d have a good snoop on the way past if the door was open!

No, I agree OP, I was brought up the same. I’d always ask to go upstairs in someone’s house if I had to use the toilet and I wouldn’t dream of going into people’s bedrooms whilst I was up there. I can understand her going into DC’s bedroom if DC invited her but I wouldn’t ever expect her in mine or the others unless she’d asked.

@DisquietintheRanks I was 😮 at that too. I can only imagine saying that if someone had stolen from me!! Not entered the threshold of my bedroom

I think it depends on your relationship with them. My parents go upstairs in my house and into bedrooms but then I’m quite close to them.

Maybe just hide the sex toys and chill out a bit? Stopping your own mother from visiting because she dares enter your bedroom for a second time is - odd. Unless she's rifling through your drawers, surely you'd just tell her nicely that you rather she didn't go in there?

@Flossflower would you really never ever let your mother in your house if she went into your bedroom a second time? Not even if she ran in for a tissue or a charger needed suddenly? God she must have been a terrible mother! 😯

Depends if you also have a downstairs loo - if you do, then obviously going upstairs isn't necessary and there'll probably be some other reason for it

Easy to dissuade her though ... just get some literature about emigration (Australia would be ideal) and leave it on the bed

No its also weird to do that unless you live in a stately home and are selling tickets.

I think our bedroom is private and when our children were home their bedrooms were private too. The children often had friends in their bedrooms but my mother was the only person to go in our bedroom. She got told immediately it was out of bounds. If she had tried it again that would have been her last visit.

I was also brought up like this. And was a bit surprised when some friends came round and their kids were thundering all over the house.

If my adult children or their partners felt they had to ask to use the loo in my house I would be really sad. I'm so glad they all feel at home.

I don’t think it’s normal to expect your parent or in-laws to ask to use the toilet and to not go into their grandkids room.

it sounds to be too like you’re embarrassed about upstairs so you’re blaming her and saying well she shouldn’t go up there. When in reality either accept it’s messy or get it dealt with.