Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

It’s a bit rude but you seem prudish about it.. leave some condoms out she won’t go up there again ha. Shut your bedroom door aswell. I find it strange she wants to go into your bedroom but not strange to go into a child’s room. Loads of people who come to ours are interested in my DS’s room and all the fun stuff.. neighbours kids’, grandparents. He loves going in there and showing his toys or playing with something in his room! x

Depends if you also have a downstairs loo - if you do, then obviously going upstairs isn't necessary and there'll probably be some other reason for it

Copious wind maybe. Very embarrassing.

I'm twitchy whenever my MIL goes up to the loo for the simple reason that she has form for peeping into rooms when no one's looking. And our house is virtually never her idea of tidy.

That’s a lot to catch multiple folks doing, I see you using plural, and all at once, I mean I get you catch them and they are doing one thing, but them all? Or repeatedly catching them doing different things, is there something going on with your family then that they like to sniff your perfume?

The obvious compromise is that your bedroom is off limits. Playing with kids bedroom, going to the bathroom without asking is fine.
All families do things a bit differently. Neither way is wrong, but you need a compromise that’s going to keep your relationship with your MIL intact.

Peony that was a general point about what nosy people could do, for those who were bemused at why someone would go in someone's bedroom or what they might do. You're right, there's no indication of that in the OP which is why it was a general point. How odd indeed to think I was referring to the OP specifically.

I was brought up the same way, except for the toilet. Bedrooms are obviously private and I'd be annoyed if anyone went into mine without asking.

It's fine to use the toilet without asking but bedroom doors should not be opened that is rude and snooping behaviour.

Perhaps those more sensitive to this issue have known very nosy people in the past who have overstepped the boundaries. I've had family members nose around my bedroom, caught them reading my post and Valentines cards (tucked away), picking up my necklaces etc, sniffing my perfumes, that sort of thing. So anyone without good reason for going in my bedroom or indeed upstairs without good reason is a sensitive issue.

Goodness,

and there is nothing to indicate she’s doing that, and why would she need to repeatedly smell the ops perfumes every visit or look at her clothes. How very odd.

I would not go into another persons bedroom no matter how close a relative they are, but if I were in a relatives home, I would not expect to ask for permission to use the bathroom! I would ask if I was in an acquaintances home of course or a friends house for the first time but that would mainly be to find out where it is.

I am not a grandparent and didn’t know my own grandparents, but it doesn’t seem too off for a grandparent to go upstairs to look in on their grandchild and say hello if they are up there.

I was quite put out when my MIL went upstairs to use the bathroom when there was a perfectly good one downstairs

I've got a perfectly good downstairs loo but, occasionally, my dd or her husband will go to the family bathroom upstairs.I don't ask why or give it a second thought. I know why. Noises travel. Perfectly understandable.

I think some people see bedrooms as a proper "window" into the person, like gaining "insider" knowledge, for want of a better phrase. (I can't think of one but I know what I mean!) There's usually more highly personal items in a bedroom than anywhere else in a house. Not just the usual underwear/embarassing bits, but personal trinkets, beauty products, photos, clothes, how they dress the bed. It shows a lot about a person, and to a nosy person, this is bingo territory.

I wouldn't go into a bedroom in someone else's home. I don't go into my in laws bedroom in thier home and they don't come into mine. I live in a flat and their only bathroom is upstairs so it's nothing to do with a rule about stairs, I just feel adult bedrooms are private spaces.

I wouldn't care so much about my in laws going into my son's room though, especially if he was also in there with them.

I only ask the first time using someone's bathroom so they can tell me/show me where it is. I don't see the need to announce I need a wee every single time I do it. Especially if alcohol is involved which means I get my steps in just from peeing.

I've also been in kids' bedrooms because they wanted to me there. Either to show me something, or help them get something or whatever. I imagine I'd be even closer and more comfortable with a grandchild.

If you don't want her in YOUR bedroom though, that's fair enough. You get your DH to tell her that and reinforce that boundary by keeping the door shut when she visits.

YABU to have a blanket no upstairs rule and request permission every time someone needs a wee.

YANBU to not want people in your bedroom (for whatever reason) and to state/enforce that boundary.

Fil not fil... Telling child to eat food...

Dil does this ..he possible demantia....he explores the rooms upstairs whilst on the toilet...we no downstairs bedroom...I bit my tongue as know it linked to his possible disease (lots of evidence and dh and bil working on him seeing GP as now mil mentioning it) he never went into bedrooms until last couple of years...is mil possible demantia or just me reading into it due to fil. It's rude normally...you go to toilet that's it....unless medical condition or grand child asked them into their room ...

Some people do just like to be nosy with people's bedrooms though. They like to have a nose at things like perfumes on dressing tables, romantic cards on the side, a new outfit hung up, that sort of thing. Just having a nose. I hate it. I know people who do this and it really bugs me.

I personally would consider it rude to go to the bathroom in someone's house in general, if there is a downstairs loo. If the downstairs loo wasn't free I'd wait until it was. If I was desperate I might go to the bathroom upstairs but I wouldn't feel comfortable about it at all and ideally I'd mention it to the host first, in case they weren't expecting the upstairs bathroom to be visited - they might have personal items left out they'd rather not be seen.

Exceptions would be someone I'm really close to, like my best friend or my sister. We are close so I know they wouldn't mind, and I wouldn't mind. That's it though.

Even my own parents' house, I'd use the downstairs loo and wouldn't go upstairs without proper reason or invitation, ever. (even though I grew up there!) It's their personal space. It's just courtesy.

My mum goes upstairs in my house - to one of the kids' rooms, to the bathroom. It doesn't bother me at all and I go upstairs at her house too if I need to. Perhaps your dp feels the same as me about it.

Not normal for me. I certainly don't expect family members to ask if they can use the toilet, of course they can! No need to ask.

I couldn't imagine banning family members from going upstairs either. Bonkers.

I am happy for tradesmen to use the loo whenever they like, so there may be a correlation.

There doesn't even have to be a reason. My room can be spotless and you don't need to be there, it's just rude unless you know the other person is ok with you entering.

I wouldn't want people rifling through anywhere and being nosey.

My own MIL has caught an eyeful in my bedroom. Just no need. Get out.

I couldn't lose any sleep over this. My entire house is desperately untidy, so upstairs is no different from anywhere else. I grew up in a house with a huge galleried landing where you could run up one staircase and across the house and down another. We would have missed a lot of fun if we hadn't been allowed to go upstairs. My own DC and their friends used to sledge down the stairs at our house on a mattress when they were little. That would have been tricky with a 'downstairs only' rule.

The only thing I object to is the youngest DC (who is old enough to know better) helping herself to stuff from my bedroom.

I really want to know what folks have going on in their bedrooms that the automatic assumption is it’s “having a nose”.

our bedroom has a bed, wardrobes, chest of drawers, mirrors, pic on wall and a laundry basket. What is there to nose about. Nearly everyone’s bedroom has the same, it’s not like she’s rifling through the drawers and wardrobes. Past that I’m fairly sure the ops bedroom looks the same as the first time she saw it, so hardly worthy of an undercover dash to have repeated looks

I also can’t get past those who say their parents need to ask to use the toilet in their home. What if they need to go twice, do they need to ask twice. And what are you going to say ,,no dad sorry can you shit yourself on the sofa?

Are some of you the same people who don't like tradesmen using your loo?