Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

Maybe they want privacy?

I didn't know about the upstairs/uptight rule

Using the bathroom, fine. (Although less fine if that includes going through the bathroom/medicine cabinet.)

Going into a child's bedroom, fine if the DC has invited them to show them something, but children also have a right to their own space so uninvited, no.

Going into parents' bedroom? Ok if they NEED to get something from there, or if they're doing you a favour by fetching something for you. But if they don't need to and they're still going in, why? It's for one reason and one reason only, to have a nose around.

There are degrees of nosing, from a quick look around from the door, through going in and looking at the bottles on the dressing table, to going in all the drawers and cupboards. But to whatever degree, by definition the only reason for their going in is to be nosy. What's in there, and however tidy or untidy it is, is none of their business.

Why don't you read what @Garrard was quoting. Goes a bit further than bedrooms...

I think you are right.
I have a relative who walks past downstairs loo, walks upstairs, passes the family bathroom and uses my en suite.

They do a number two and look confused when I foam at the mouth in rage.

I feel like they are crossing huge boundaries and essentially sh*tting on my life figuratively when they do this………

My grandma would always do this when I was a kid - I'd go upstairs and discover her snooping around in my room. She was also big on going through bathroom cabinets. Some people are just nosy.

I think going upstairs to use the toilet is fine, but it's rude to go into someone's bedroom without their permission.

I don't really know. I haven't ever really thought about it. I suppose I have everything open and available, and if someone wanted to poke around and find my collection of sex toys (which I don't have, btw), they could go ahead. Obviously, one reads the runes, and I wouldn't dream of charging upstairs in someone else's house when it's very clearly a 'downstairs only' house. It's the same with shoes on/shoes off - mine is a 'shoes on' house, but if you visit someone who has a neat shoe rack inside the front door and is wearing their slippers, you instantly work out that you are supposed to take your shoes off, so that's what you do.

That said, I do have several friends whose attitude to upstairs/downstairs is the same as mine, so I would in those cases go upstairs to go to the loo/fetch something/find a child etc without a second thought.

Not being able to go in someone’s bedroom without their permission?

Why would you go in there otherwise if they didn’t say you could?

oh give over
you can be a close and loving family while still having boundaries and privacy.

unless what you meant was you’re an enmeshed family?

Hmm I was brought up the same way but I think family is different than friends etc, however it doesn’t really matter what we think if you are unhappy with it.

I think going into a grandchild’s room is fine. I don’t like it when my MIL goes into my bedroom though. She lives far away so it’s not an issue frequently enough to mention and cause a fuss but it does irritate me when she finds a reason to go in my room. Last time I only realised as she had re-made (it was already made!) my bed for me. It’s a loft bedroom up another flight of stairs. No other rooms up there so literally no reason to go up there 🤷‍♀️

Oh dear.

I don't think I could cope with living like that.

My parents and in-laws are not allowed in our bedroom and they have no reason to be there. Our bedroom is on the top floor. Our children’s room, the family bathroom, and the guest room are below and then there’s the kitchen, loo, and living room in the ground floor.

I was raised not to go into other people’s bedrooms or in places in someone’s home without permission regardless if they are family or not. It’s their home and their rules.

Disagree. I don't want anyone in my bedroom that I haven't agreed could go in there.

How are they not?! I wouldn’t want my mum or my MIL in my bedroom without a reason! Bathroom is upstairs so yes that’s fine and maybe kids room IF they asked them in there for something but there would be no reason to go in my room. They might see my underwear, sex toys or antidepressants sitting on the side! It’s just unnecessary!

I'd ask about the bathroom on first visit, but after that would just use the bathroom.
Bedrooms are private in my opinion and it's really weird to want to mooch around them, unless it's a child's bedroom and they're happy having someone in to play.

In the OP's situation it sounds like the MIL is looking for an excuse to snoop about, which I'd not like.

Wow… I hadn’t realised that it’s such faux pas for the family to be allowed anywhere else in your house apart from the living room. I assume your mum has to ask too, right, if she can go upstairs? What’s in your bedroom anyway that family can’t see? Mr Gray’s playroom?

If you can't cope with offering basic hospitality, don't have guests. Or a family.

Such interest! Two different people, doing one of the different things mentioned on different occasions.

I don't think it's rude especially to go into her grandchild's room. Surely that's normal?
I wouldn't give it a second thought. It's her son's house not a strangers

Oh blimey we have a "my house is your house" approach with my family and in-laws. Can't imagine the formality of inviting them in to each room!

I don’t think OP would mind her MiL going upstairs for a real reason: to the toilet, to play with kids in their bedrooms etc the problem is that MIL is clearly looking for a reason to go upstairs for snooping.
We used to have en-suite in our bedroom and I wouldn’t mind some friends using them but mind the others. Some people just have this nosy vibe.

I'm not sure this is the one I was thinking of -sure there was a uncle who acted as a go-between, but this is a good illustration of the extent of snooping some people will go to - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/822930-I-couldn-39-t-find-any-offal-to-put-in?postsby=ballsofsteel

Seriously, the upstairs being off limits is a thing? Never come across that before. So weird! Erm, close the doors of any rooms you don’t want her to go into and leave the bathroom door open so it‘s clear where to go.

I’d find it a bit weird if my MIL didn’t go upstairs 😂

Visitors shouldn't go in any room in a house without being invited in to them.
Regardless of who they are in the family, they're a guest, and should remember that.