Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

Is this a British thing? I remember being baffled when I first lived in England (outside of student accommodation and small London flats) when people seemed to expect a formal ‘tour’ of an extension/ renovation/ new house. I haven’t the remotest interest in looking around other people’s houses unless they’re very old or architecturally quirky — and only then if permitted. Our only current bathroom is upstairs, so all visitors go there, but I’ve not encountered anyone poking about…

@DisneyBaby what happens if you live in a flat? Does it only apply to houses?

Toilet..of course.
Kids bedroom.. off you go.
My bedroom, off limits, no need under the sun to go in other than nosiness.

Bedrooms are private I wouldn't like her going in them. Children's rooms I can get if the child's showing something but your room and others no. I think you need to say look i just want my bedroom to be left alone please respect my privacy and boundaries.. get your partner to say it if you don't want to

I don't think bedrooms are any more private than any other room in the house

This poster obviously doesn’t own any sex toys. Or underwear.

I wouldn’t expect her to ask to go upstairs to the toilet. If grandchild asked her to look at something in their room it would be okay with me but I wouldn’t want anyone going in my bedroom. I wouldn’t treat her like a dog that’s only allowed in certain rooms but if she went in my bedroom I wouldn’t be happy and I would ask her what she wanted in there ( can I help you? said in semi challenging manner).

This. Can't believe you'd be so rude to your husbands mother and your child's grandmother.

Definately overstepping boundaries, shut all the doors next time and see if she still does it?

Or maybe people shouldn’t expected to see every bit of someone’s house or think they have free rein to go onto someone’s bedroom without permission.

Tidy or not, it is not MIL’s bedroom.

My MIL goes wandering about upstairs in our house, looks in all the bedrooms and has even invited her friends to come and look. I absolutely hate it. But whenever I try to enforce boundaries I'm the unreasonable one, so...

We're moving house soon and I'm going to make it very clear that bathrooms upstairs are fine but everything else is off limits unless you're invited in (e.g. if DS asks her to play in his room).

Maybe tidy your upstairs?

Really? That’s an unusual view. Most people don’t expect to find people, family or not, wandering in their bedrooms for no good reason. To think a bedroom is no more private than say a kitchen is not the norm.

I was bought up the same, and say openly to visiting kids no playing in our bedroom, kids bedrooms are fine. I’ve had people take their kids up into our bedroom for a wander (also I have non dangerous medicine in my bedroom - hidden but still like to be careful).

If MiL, hmm, odd one tbh. I would spruce up your bedroom, allow one more “having a look”, then after say would she mind in future as you see this as a private room. Kids bedrooms are usually an open area, that one maybe harder to manage.

Deliberately snooping is as wrong as needing to send out memo to use a bathroom, but of course there will be other people who have issues themsleves that will think it's perfectly OK to need permission to do anything

My MIL does this! It's become a running joke between me and my husband- the excuses she comes up with as to why she needs to be in our bedroom. I just laugh about it tbh. No harm done.

Wtf is going on with your mil? Going into your bedroom which has nothing whatsoever to do with the understandable playing with toys in the children's rooms or using the bathroom. It's an absolute etiquette no-no!! How dare she breach the privacy of the one room in the house which should be respected as a personal space for the parents. Maybe give her a tour of your room next time and point out the deliberately placed rat traps in the corners. If she doesn't get the hint, then put up one of those'Private' signs you see in National Trust properties on your bedroom door, and make sure there's a bucket of water balanced above it if she opens it. (Plenty of bucket booby trap advice on the net).

My MIL does exactly this! I hate it. Obviously I have no issue with her using the bathroom, but she always tries to find a way to go into the bedrooms. Like insisting she wants to try and find the cat on our bed, or wants to see if the DC are using the blankets she made, and despite once me explicitly asking her not to, she knocks on my teenagers room and walks in. I told her teens room is a mess and she won't like it, and she says oh she won't mind. Then when dd is uncomfortably polite she uses it as evidence she didn't mind. She offers to help her tidy it, and that she just wants to be helpful to me by embarrassing her into tidying.

it’s your home so if you don’t want people going upstairs (in laws or not) just say. Don’t beat yourself up about it or let it be a thing just be upfront and tell them you’re not comfortable. You can be polite about it and if there is any sulking or arguing from the other party then that’s their issue.

im not overly bothered if people go upstairs in my house but if you’re not comfortable with something then you need to speak up!

i do feel bedrooms are private but if your child wants to show her grandmother her bedroom/toys upstairs i think thats okay too. I wouldn’t mind my MIL looking in my children’s rooms if invited by them. Would not expect her to go in there uninvited though and definitely not my/OH’s room!

Of course it’s rude and plain fucking nosey. Popping up to use the loo is one thing, wandering into bedrooms is a totally different scenario. There is absolutely no need for anyone to walk into someone else’s bedroom uninvited. It’s a private space.

I don’t even like anyone using my en-suite unless they’re an overnight guest.

I don't get the distinction between your own mother and your partner's own mother.....so are you saying your partner is a lesser being as is his/her mother?

Your MIL is a nosey bitch with no social graces. When at your house she is a guest and should behave like one, not act like she owns the house.

I would be inclined to not let her upstairs even to use the loo and if she’s been caught in your bedroom I wouldn’t even let her in the house.

In the context if your own house, of course you can ban people from doing things. Being an adult has zilch to do with it.

Up next: AIBU to prefer my guests don't smoke in my house😂

@Merangutan "She isn’t your mother"

So it's OK for the OP's mother to go into her husband's bedroom/home office etc without asking?

I agree. She isn’t your mother so it’s not a given that she should be able to go into any places like your bedroom / home office etc without asking. If the door is closed and she opens it, that’s even worse. That’s your private space, not a communal entertaining area for guests. I think it’s particularly rude and intrusive to go into the bedrooms of other adults without being invited to.

I also think it is basic manners to ask if you can go upstairs to use the bathroom in someone’s house unless you know that you have absolute liberty to wander around their house (eg your own mum might feel free to do that and that’s fine).