Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

Meggy, gently, the language you are using to describe your sister is really, really telling. It's not just unusual to call your sister an 'adult human female', it's a sign that you are trying to denigrate her. It's not just that you're angry with her, it's that you want to hurt her. You're not able to do that in person so you're doing it here with demeaning language. If it was just about describing her, you'd say 'my sister', or 'her', but you are going to great lengths to use other, very odd and belittling language. I think that this is because you actually are not just angry with her, you are also feeling guilty. Indeed, this whole thread is about guilt really and other confused emotions. I say this as someone with a sister who I am also NC with. There are some times when people are so abusive that it is best for our wellbeing not to see them. I am not one of those naïve people who think you have to stay in contact with abusers just because they are family or that all family relationships are inherently precious. I think your anger is what needs processing. What I am seeing is a very close relationship with your mum, but perhaps so close that you are struggling to find space to allow for your own needs too. If your mum has, in any way at all, tried to pressure or guilt you into seeing someone you have made a considered decision not to see - that's wrong. Would it be hard to see your mum as a little in the wrong here? I think the guilt you feel is because you are not doing what your mum wants and because you feel bad about that. This means you are desperately trying to keep the anger you felt with your sister alive because without that being the dominant emotion, the guilt becomes unbearable for you. Don't call her an adult human female, just call her 'she' and see what actually comes up for you. The more you use this odd language, the more your discomfort with what you're doing shows. It is you you're hurting here now. And yes, it's fine to choose who to have contact with - for whatever reasons. Whether or not others would have agreed that your sisters behaviour was as bad as you think doesn't really matter. Draw your boundaries where you need to.

But she is your sister who you’ve known for almost 30 years.

It’s only been the last 6 years where you e been NC but you’re acting like she’s a complete stranger.

You know she’s your sister and it’s making you look really unreasonable by refusing to call her that.
I am NC with my dad but I still acknowledge that he’s my dad and I wouldn’t call him ‘the man’ or anything.

You don’t need to like someone just because they are your family but you can’t pretend that they’re not your family.

I would not be surprised if you left this thread! Honestly, some people are just thick as shit and just get hung up on one word! It doesn’t matter if she’s a second half cousin, related through marriage (is that even possible?), it’s the fact that she is having such an impact on your life and your mothers life.
Stand firm and support your Mum because I expect, she will need it in the next few months.
Good luck.

I'd imagine in conversion with people OP knows, she uses her half sisters name. Probably not something she wants to post online.

Sorry you are having to go through this OP

I think because they are concerned that OPs language is hostile and depersonalising. Although understandable, it's likely to throw fuel on the fire, increasing OPs negative feelings towards her sister and doesn't bode well for OP handling the family situation in a calm and considered way.

Like you, I don't believe that just because someone is related to you (by blood or marriage) means you should have to put up with inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. Why should I spend time, energy and headspace on anyone who has lost my respect through their own actions? And repeatedly?

My mother had a very draconian view on duty and obligation and 'family' but seeing the toxic behaviour in her family I could understand. Didn't mean I had to follow and I refused to engage with a particular uncle despite her attempts at emotional blackmail (which were short lived when she knew I wouldn't budge). And if she knew the troubles and stress he caused myself and my siblings after she died, I think she'd accept I was right. But she wouldn't rock that boat.

As others have said, you are in a tricky position but, if it were me, I'd just have a stock response ready. And as for your language on here, who gives a fuck how you refer to her outside of where it would be inappropriate? We called my uncle The Arsehole but not to his face or in any communications outside of us siblings.

My father went on to have 2 more children with his second wife. I have no relationship with either of them (his doing) and think of them as his children and not in any way related to me. Not sure I'd even recognise them. It wouldn't even cross my mind to think of them as half sisters!

Because your descriptions aren’t kind. They are derogatory, demeaning, dehumanising. It communicates a lot about how you feel about your half sister and where you are psychologically/
emotionally, etc. you have presented the scenario as entirely one sided and very black and white - good daughter/ bad daughter,
the one who’s tried to rise above / the one who has behaved appallingly,
the one who has no fault/ the one who is to blame for everything. Your use of language tells a different story…

Exactly, so don’t pretend you’re not doing it to be derogatory when you wouldn’t talk about a friend like that. It’s misogynistic. I’m not saying you have to call her your sister (although it seems petty not to, but whatever), but if you want the high ground, act like an adult.

If you said 'Ex Sis' , 'Not very Dsis' 'estranged half sister' 'nasty sister' that wouldn't have the jarring and distracting affect.

Classifying what she is as a species is dehumanising.

OP has clearly chosen the terms she wants to use for her half sister, I don’t know why some posters are continuing to try and force their own preferences here.

Yeah I’m sure it’s exactly how you talk about your friends too ‘oh I’m meeting this adult human female for lunch tomorrow’…🙄

Because you are classifying her @Meggymoo777 , rather than treating her as a fellow human with a name and role within the family. Even serial Killers are afforded names and familial contexts.

Yes so she’s your sister.

So why not say that instead of ‘girl’ or ‘adult female’ ?

you’d be better off on the Relationships board. None of this “oh but you must see your nephew/ your poor mum” guilt. Sometimes siblings just don’t get on, and NC is more common than you might think.

Honestly OP, no matter how much therapy you have had, it isn’t enough.

You sound overly enmeshed in your mothers life. You talk about having to “make room “ for your sister. You aren’t six any more.

I suspect you won’t be happy until you’ve made your mother “choose” and what if the child she chooses isn’t you?

Your mum has 2 daughters and it sounds like you don’t like to share. That’s how this comes across. Your sister has a different dad who affected you emotionally… do you think maybe he affected your sister too and that’s why she is the way she is. Sometimes siblings make poor choices and need different amounts of attention but you don’t want your perfect world upside down. That’s understandable but unrealistic.

Families are complicated and you’re not coming across as great either. The way you speak about your sister is unkind - that’s not saying she’s not a twat. You can choose not to have her in your life but your mum is totally allowed to dedicate time to her child who has problems.

This is one of those threads where posters should at least be courteous enough to read @Meggymoo777 posts. She has explained clearly in subsequent posts as to why her relationship with her "sister" is so damaged.

She has reached out to her before only to have been punished. How many more times? She picks up the pieces when her "sister" hurts her Mum so of course she is going to care.

You've had some very supportive posts here OP. Concentrate on those and ignore the rest. Good luck and take care of yourself and your own family.

‘This adult human female’?! Ok, you just sound like a bitter misogynist now. You clearly see yourself as the mature, wise, sensible one, but this really doesn’t make you sound like it. You know you could just refer to her as my sister, she, her name etc.

I can see why you don’t want to get involved with your nephew only for the relationship to be ripped apart in the future. That’s not fair on you or your kids, and it’s not really fair on him either to lose you.

For the same reason you need to protect yourself by not hearing about, or discussing your sister with your mum, as I said earlier in the thread. Leave them to it.
Check that she isn’t there when you visit and kindly remind your mum you don’t want to know anything about their relationship. You can do this in a kind way, just set your own boundaries for your mental health, whilst respecting your mums right to unconditionally love your sister. Just don’t get involved at all. Stay out of it. You know it’s a car crash waiting to happen, so emotionally remove yourself by not hearing the details.