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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Rolloisthebestpony · 27/05/2023 18:04

I don’t see the issue assuming the messages are just about DC and they are not inappropriate or flirty

DD has a friend where I communicate with the dad as he’s the one I know best

JMSA · 27/05/2023 18:03

This was completely normal at my children's primary school.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/05/2023 18:02

If it was a school dad doing it, would you care?

So is it I'm the primary carer, all kid stuff should come through me only OR yo, woman, stop messaging my man
?

Hugasauras · 27/05/2023 18:02

Surely they are just texting him because they knew him first and regard him as the primary parent (to them). I think it's just an 'annoyance' of having two parents both having been involved in DCs' social stuff. Great in many ways but logistically sometimes irritating!

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 18:02

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

Ilovepotato · 27/05/2023 18:02

I can understand why it’s happened, but if it bothers you, maybe just get you DH to always reply something along the lines of ‘not too sure, you should ask DW’ ?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/05/2023 18:01

What does your Dh make of it?

I would go with neither of those options tbh. You reply to bike text rather than Dh. You join the WhatsApp groups (I don’t know how it works but can Dh add you?).

When my xh was a sahp he got the majority of the communication about dc because he was the one that was available.

GreekDogRescue · 27/05/2023 18:00

Don’t blame you OP. It sounds very annoying.

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 18:00

They got to know him first. He was rhe “school parent” so it makes sense he will be the main contact.

DelurkingAJ · 27/05/2023 17:59

I would treat a DH/DW couple interchangeably. I’d also prefer to have all messages with a single family in one place so would carry on messaging whoever I met first. I wouldn’t read anything into it. I’d also be (secretly) delighted that DH was involved enough that people saw him as the primary parent.